WNWA news and rumors- 8/7/07

David Downs was observed at the Braddock Washeteria (a combination laundromat and cafeteria that accepts food stamps) eating lunch and swallowing several Libotines. No one knows where he got the performance-enhancing drugs or what his plans are. When asked about the pills, Downs' reply was slurred, and this reporter could only make out one word - "brother."

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Tony Fanuci announces that the library's summer reading program comes to an end next week. All parents should bring their children for a special wrestling extravaganza (whatever that is) to celebrate the end of the program. Fanuci will also be leaving his library employment after this event, and will return to work full-time at An Inconvenient Cafe. Retro (he has changed his name from Metro) is reported to be devastated at the impending loss of his "right hand man."

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Rev. Dr. Curtis Lowe announces that his Mt. Holy Olive People's Temple is expanding. They are moving from their current address at the former Short 'n' Curlies Adult Bookstore and into a bigger facility on MLK Ave in the former Sir Cedric's Fish 'n' Chips. Lowe is excited about the move, saying that the Temple will now be holding weekly Friday night Fish Fry Suppers as a regular fund-raiser.

Lowe will keep his lease on the Short 'n' Curlies location, which he plans to turn into a halfway house for ex-prostitutes. Stay tuned for further details of this endeavor.

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Yeti was observed momentarily floating above Digger Barnes Memorial Park in a yard chair strapped to several dozen oversized helium "Get Well Soon" balloons. It seems that Dale Taylor had heard of a man being able to fly across the country in a lawn chair, and wanted to see if this was really possible. He set Yeti up on the roof of the library, and gave him a push off the roof. Yeti flew about 15 feet out, losing altitude, until becoming tangled in tree limbs on the edge of the park. At this point, Taylor had no choice but to free Yeti by shooting out the balloons until the bearded adventurer crashed to the ground. Paramedics on the scene rushed Yeti to Ewing Memorial Hospital for treatment for three broken ribs.