Monkey attacks friend

BRADDOCK, Tex. — Mud the monkey, a veteran of WNWA wrestling, is the constant companion of the Rev. Dr. Bishop Curtis Eldorado Lowe who feeds him steak, lobster and ice cream.  Mud is allowed to eat at the table, drink wine from a stemmed glass, masturbate in the toilet, and dress and bathe himself.  Fellow wrestler, legal slave, and other focus of this article, Tony Fanuci is forced to eat from a trough on the ground in the front yard of Lowe’s church.

Mud brushed his teeth with a Water Pik, logged on to a computer to look at porn and channel-surfed the adult channels with the remote control.

But on Monday, the wild animal in him came out with a vengeance.

The 200-pound animal viciously molested a fellow wrestler and member of Frustrated Inc. before being tranquilized by BraddockCounty Sheriff’s deputies.

Investigators are trying to figure out why — whether it was too much porn, a reaction to alcohol (which Mud drank heavily), or a case of instinct taking over.

"It's hard to say what exactly precipitated this behavior," said Cooter Dean, a worker at the Braddock Zoo. "At the end of the day, they are not human and you can't always predict their behavior and how they or any other wild animal will respond when they feel threatened."

Mud attacked 44-year-old, virgin, Tony Fanuci as fellow members of Frustrated Inc., frantically egged Mud on for the amusement of Dr. Lowe.  Lowe was celebrating his 75th birthday with all his friends around, just in the event that his nemesis, TyronneJefferson Davis show up.  Fanuci was severely humiliated with "life-changing, if not life style changing," injuries to his mind and his nipples Sheriff’s deputies said.

Police said they are looking into the possibility of criminal charges against Lowe. A pet owner can be held criminally responsible if he or she knew or should have known that an animal was a danger to others.  Though the law is unsettled, whether legal slaves like Tony Fanuci have any legal recourse for the humiliation they endure.

In recordings of calls to 911 dispatchers released Tuesday, Mud’s grunts can be heard as an amused Pam Fanuci (Tony's mother) laughs that Mud monkey is "titty fucking my worthless fucking son, eeehhhhhh………"  Mud must be stopped before my worthless Tony gives him some sort of disease….. ehhhhhh!!!!!”. The dispatcher later asks, "Who's molesting your Tony?" "My former boyfriend’s monkey!" she laughs. "Mud made Tony take off his shirt, then rub Vaseline on his tits, eehhhh…. Then Mud made Tony wear a bra.  After that, Mud started humping Tony’s chest, ehhhhhh…….  Take your time getting here though.  I think Mud is about to climax, eehhhh….."

Unfortunately for Tony, the assault lasted about 12 more minutes after police arrived.

After police arrive, one officer radios back: "There's a lard ass down. He doesn't look good," he says, referring to Tony. "We've got to get this guy out of here. Get him to a carwash and scrub some of this Vaseline and spoog off his tits."

Deputies said that Mud was agitated earlier after watching a porn marathon on the Spice channel and after which Dr. Lowe had given Mud a half gallon of gin.

"Gin could have made Mud more aroused," if stories from college campuses are any indication, Braddock deputies said.

Dr. Lowe has built Mud a large cage in his church. He knew monkeys could be sexually deviant and therefore kept a constant stream of porn for Mud to few.  Curtis of course was amused by Mud’s sexual frustrations.

Braddock deputies, holding back laughter, have not yet indicated if Mud or Dr. Lowe will be charged for Fanuci’s sexual humiliation.

The Burdens of Work

The Burdens of Work

BRADDOCK, TX—Taking a break from surfing the web, going out for multiple cups of coffee, and missing important work deadlines, employees at Braddock County Public Library complained once again Monday about being taken for granted.

"I come in almost every day, bust my hump for like four or five hours, and what do I get? Nothing," said Grimace Coleman, one of several chronic underachievers employed by the library. "You'd think management could show us a little appreciation now and again. It's not like I particularly enjoy just sitting around here all day."

Coleman then returned to her desk and began to eat that slab of coconut cake which she so greedily took from the staff room to prevent anyone else from enjoying it.

According to sources, the 52-year-old isn't the only incompetent slob who feels undervalued. Pam Fanuci, a cataloging librarian, notorious procrastinator, and all-around liability, said that she wished she got more respect around the office.

"Ehhhh....., a simple thank-you from the higher-ups would be nice, ehhhhh...." said Fanuci, who spends nearly 80 percent of her work week making personal calls from her desk. "Yesterdaaay I stayed 5 minutes late in order to finish up some work I've been putting off, and nobody even noticed. Ehhhhh....."

Added Fanuci, "Ehhhh..... I don't know how much longer I can keep killing myself like this, eeeehhh....."

In addition to receiving praise for their hard work, the inept and often neglectful staff members said they'd like to see a number of new incentives introduced. Among them, a larger and more comfortable break room where employees can go unwind, longer extensions on overdue projects, and the option of working from home on Fridays and possibly also Mondays.

"This place would fall apart without me," said routinely absent project coordinator Amy Hctib. "I'm the only one around here who actually knows how to use the popcorn maker, and I almost always remember to wash my mug in the sink after I'm done using it. Plus, I show up to meetings only like a minute or two late."

"Honestly now," Hctib continued. "They're lucky I just don't pack up my things and leave."

Despite feelings of frustration, employees at the library have yet to bring their misplaced concerns and unfounded complaints directly to management. Instead, many choose to air their grievances by making passive- aggressive comments beneath their breath, setting aside important assignments in favor of reading gossip columns, and sneaking out several times each week to grab a "much- deserved drink."

"Our Christmas party this year was the last straw for me," said Donna Shakes, whose early departures to attend a scrapbooking class have resulted in the library losing two separate grants. "Some crappy Secret Santa thing, a bowl of punch, and a box of Archway cookies and they call it a holiday bash? We're the heart and soul of this library, for Christ's sake."

While no one has come forward as of yet, management at Braddock County Public Library is reportedly aware of its employees' reticence to work and prepared to take action.

"We've already tried buying everyone some coffee and free generic brand cookies, but so far nothing's worked," Director Kelly Millis said. "I wish I could just fire the entire staff for being so incompetent, but between going on vacation and running around trying to find a second man-slave, I'm really only in the office a couple of days a year."

Try your hand at homemade eggnog, fine sir!!

Try your hand at homemade eggnog, fine sir!!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31

By Kelly "The Fruit" Millis

Braddock -- Eggnog, enthusiast Kelly "The Fruit" Millis says, has much in common with its fellow holiday treat the cakefarts fruitcake.

"Listen here, fine sir, they both have a strange consistency and bleachy smell. They have sort of an unnatural color, they're probably not too much like anything else you would eat or drink the rest of the year," he said. "And with eggnog, like fruitcakefarts, it's either a love-it or hate-it kind of thing. And most people hate it. But that's only because they haven't had the right one with my special "r"um."

Though many parties tonight will feature punch bowls filled with the thick, creamy drink, many celebrants will be hesitant to dip into it. That's because the eggnog a number of people in Braddock are familiar with has a thick, overly bitter, strange bleachy smell, and overly rich concoction that's loaded with corn syrup and artificial preservatives and comes in an already opened carton given to them by a certain closeted library director-- basically flavored milk. The eggnog chefs and beverage connoisseurs prize is made on a stove top, with a dash of nutmeg and cinnamon and a splash (or more) of "r"um or bourbon -- a treat that's difficult for even Scrooge to turn his nose up at.

"It'll definitely change some minds because it's not so heavy," said Millis, a former library director for Braddock County. "It's got a lighter feel on the palate, and some people might not even realize it's eggnog at first. I think there's a big masterba..... I mean misunderstanding about what goes into it, and so people, they're just turned off by not knowing.

"In addition to cream and spices, the main ingredients in eggnog are sugar and, of course, eggs or some sort of eggy substitute. Many chefs use raw eggs that have been pasteurized.

"A lot of people, I think, get a little bit queasy about drinking eggs and cu....I mean "r"um," Millis said in a telephone interview. "But people have been drinking eggs throughout history, fine sir, and still do today. And when I do cocktail presentations, one of the ingredients that I use is egg whites to add that frothy, bleachy top on it. And people are like, 'Well I don't know if I can drink egg whites.' And I'm like, 'You ever watched homosexual porn?' And they're like, 'Oh yeah, yeah, I've done that.' Well, then you're drinking egg whites, mister." In a loud, high-pitched orgasmic squeal Kellie ejaculated, "The thick texture, the smell, it's just really good to me," he said. "I was the only one in my library who enjoyed it, but at least I enjoy it now whenever I'm alone with my companion Noah Retro, fine sir."

Still others won't drink it regardless of how or where it's made.

Kelly "The Fruit" Millis's EGGNOG

1 quart heavy cream

1 quart half-and-half or whole milk

2 cups sugar

1 cup egg yolks or processed egg product

½ cup of "r"um

½ cup of coffee for coloring

4 tablespoons pure vanilla extract

1 tablespoon cinnamon

½ teaspoon nutmeg

Heat the heavy cream and sugar to about 100 degrees and until the sugar is dissolved. Mix the "r"um, coffee and eggs together in a bowl, pour into the cream mixture and stir. Add the cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla extract. Bring it up to about 150 degrees and add the half-and-half or milk. Serve with a cinnamon stick.

"Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing!!, fine sir!! can be substituted for the "r"um. The fresher and warmer (as indicated by its bleachy smell) the better!!!"

The Death of the WNWA?

Judge Jennings tells The Liberal Librarian that Obama has offered him a spot on the Supreme Court when a spot comes open. He tells The Lib that Obama is willing to overlook The Lib's support of Hillary if he will come to Chicago and swear fealty to him. Jennings has also brought several Obama officials and some media with him and they are investigating conditions at Libtown. It was later reported (and verified by audiotapes recovered by investigators) that The Lib had run rehearsals in how to receive Jennings's delegation in order to convince them that everyone was happy and in good spirits. The Lib told Jennings that he thought he should go to Obama and get concessions for the group, thus giving him his blessing.

That night, the Jennings delegation attended a reception in the pavilion. While the party received a friendly reception, The Lib said he felt “like a dying man” and ranted about “government conspiracies and martyrdom” as he decried attacks by the press and his enemies. Two Libtown members, Tony Fanuci and Katie Peachy, made the first move for
defection that night. In the pavilion, Tony Fanuci passed a note to WNWA journalist Butch Miller (mistaking him for Jennings), reading "Dear Judge, Tony Fanuci and Katie Peachy. Please help owa asses get outta Libtown."

In the early morning of November 18, more than a dozen Libtown members sensed danger enough to walk out of the colony toward train tracks in order to take a train to Joshua's Ridge, which is located in the opposite direction from the airstrip at Port Pride. Those defectors included members of the Florida Mann family and the Williams family
(the family of Libtown's head of security, Avon Williams).

That afternoon, two families stepped forward and asked to be escorted out of Libtown by the Jennings delegation saying "it's nothing but a communist prison camp."

The Lib gave the two families, along with Fanuci and Peachy, permission to leave:

Fanuci: Look, masta. I got this lottery ticket when we went out and bought the Kool-Aid.

Lib: Lemme see that dude. Well, I tell you what, jack. You let me hang on to this and you are free, brother.

Fanuci: Thank you so much, masta, but I shoy will miss my pals. (Fanuci then goes to the truck and awaits his departure).

Under the Pavilion, Butch Williams handed The Lib the note written by Tony Fanuci while other reporters huddled around The Lib. The Lib told those reporters that, like others who left the community, the defectors would "lie" and destroy Libtown. He said that Fanuci was "a vicious, pathological masturbating liar, dude. People play games,
friend. They lie. They lie. What can I do about lies? Will you people leave us? I just beg you please leave us, dude."

Because of the defectors, a second aircraft was required for those departing Libtown. While this group began to depart, Jennings's group planned to stay behind in Jonestown to process any additional defectors.

Shortly before the delegation departed for the airstrip, Lib loyalist Antonio “Da Crunk” Davis demanded to join the group. Several Libtown defectors voiced their suspicions about Davis's motives.

Shortly after the group left by truck transport, Temple member Jonathan Oliver Blair III (nicknamed "Turd") grabbed Jennings while wielding a knife. While Jennings was unhurt after others wrestled The Turd to the ground, Sheriff Washburn strongly suggested that Jennings leave Libtown while Washburn filed a criminal complaint against The
Turd. Jennings did so, promising to return later to address the dispute.

The truck departing for the airstrip had stopped after hearing of the attack on Jennings. Jennings then boarded the truck, traveled with the group to the airstrip and arrived there later that afternoon.

The entourage planned to use two planes, to fly to Braddock. The planes were not ready for departure when the group arrived; the group had to wait at the airstrip until approximately 5:10 p.m.

Davis was a passenger on the Cessna, which was the first aircraft to set up for takeoff. Just as the Cessna had taxied to the far end of the airstrip, Davis produced a .357 Magnum and started shooting at the passengers. He wounded Peachy and Fanuci, and tried to kill Bobby Bell, who struggled with him. Fanuci, who was shot in the fleshy part of his breast screamed: "My tit!!! My fuckin' tit!!! He moidad my tit!!!" He then kicked the pilot, wounded Peachy and the brawling Bell and Davis from the plane and managed to get the plane off the ground.

At this time, the larger Twin Otter was partially boarded with passengers. Concurrent with the shootings on the Cessna, a tractor with a trailer attached driven by members of the Temple's Red Brigade security squad approached the Otter. When the tractor neared within approximately 30 feet of the Otter, the Red Brigade opened fire on the aircraft while at least two members circled the plane on foot. There were perhaps nine shooters whose identities are not all certainly known, but most sources agree that Avon Williams, The Lib's head of security, “Poor” Mike Skills, Egbert Neil “The Lummox” Hoskins, and David Downs were among them.

Judge Jennings, Bill Barnes, photographer Gary Robins, reporter Butch Williams and Temple defector Jody Boskivitz were killed in the few minutes of shooting. Amelia Tschudi, Steve Shocking and Katie Peachy were among the nine injured in and around the Twin Otter. Fanuci managed to escape but later crashed the plane near The Libtown
complex. He was later recovered and treated at a hospital.

Tape recovered at Libtown. Evidently the cult drank poisoned Kool-Aid.

The Liberal Librarian: How very much I've tried my best to give you the good life, brother.

Crowd: Cheers

The Liberal Librarian: But in spite of all of my trying, a handful of our people, with their lies, have made our life impossible, jack. There's no way to detach ourself from what's happened today, dude. Not only are we in a compound situation, not only are there those who have left and committed the betrayal of the century, some have stolen children from others, and are in pursuit right now to kill them, because they stole their children, bra. And we -- we are sitting here waiting on a powder keg. It is said by the greatest of prophets from time immemorial: "No man may take my life from me; I lay my life down,
brother."

Crowd: Cheers

The Liberal Librarian: So to -- to sit here and wait for the catastrophe that's going to happen on that airplane -- it's going to be a catastrophe, it almost happened here, dude, I had to restrain myself, jack. Almost happened -- The Judge was nearly killed here,
brother. But you can't steal people's slaves. You can't take off with people's slaves without expecting a violent reaction, jack. And that's not so unfamiliar to us either, if we -- even if we were Judeo-Christian -- if we weren't Communists. The world (unintelligible
word) them selfish violence, and the violence will take it by force. If we can't live in peace, then let's die in peace, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: (Weary) We've been so betrayed. We have been so terribly betrayed, brother.

Music and singing led by Sekoyae Biggs and the Peoples Temple Wings of Deliverance Holy Immaculate Mount Olive Pickles Choir

The Liberal Librarian: But we've tried and as Billy Bell often said --I don't know why he said it -- I just know (unintelligible word) Billy, he said if this only works one day, it was worthwhile, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Thank you. Now what's going to happen here in a matter of a few minutes is that one of those people on that plane is gonna -- gonna shoot the pilot, brother. I know that for a fact, jack. I didn't plan it, but I know it's going to happen. They're gonna shoot that pilot, and down comes that plane into the desert. And we had
better not have any of our asses left when it's over, because they'll parachute in here on us. (Pause) I'm going to be just as plain as I know how to tell you, dudes. I've never lied to you, jack. (More emphatic) I never have lied to you, brothers. I know that's what's
gonna happen. That's what he intends to do, and he will do it. He'll do it. And it'll happen. If the plane gets in the air even, brother. (Pause) So my opinion is that we be kind to retards and be kind to seniors like Curtis and Mrs. Fanuci and take the portion like they
used to take in ancient Greece, and step over quietly, because we are not committing suicide. It's a revolutionary act, jack. We can't go back. They won't leave us alone. They're now going back to tell more lies, which means more judges, more Tombamas, bra. And there's no way, no way we can survive, brother.

The Liberal Librarian: Anybody. Anyone who has any dissenting opinion, please speak. (Pause) Yes. You can have an opportunity, but if our asses are uh, are left, we're going to have them butchered. We can make a strike, but we'll be striking against people that we – we don't want to strike against. And what we'd like to get are the people that caused this stuff, and some -- if some people here are p – are prepared and know how to do that, to go in town and get Captain Redneck, but there's no plane. (Pause) There's no plane, jack. You can't catch a plane in time. He's responsible for it. He brought these people to us. He and Yeti. The people back in Braddock will not – not be idle over there. (Pause) They'll not take our death in vain, you know. Yes, Pam.

Pam Fanuci: Is it too late for Russia? I hear they make good chicken salad, ehhhh...

The Liberal Librarian: Here's why it's too late for Russia, jack. They killed, brother. They started to kill. That's why it makes it too late for Russia, dude. Otherwise I'd said, Russia, you bet your life, bra. But it's too late. I can't control these people. They're out there.
They've gone with the guns. (Self-evident tone) And it's too late. (Pause) (Weary tone) And once we kill anybody -- at least that's what I've always -- I've always put my lot with you. If one of my people do something, it's me. (Pause) And they say I don't -- I don't have to take the blame for this, but I can't -- I don't -- I don't live that way. They said deliver up The Turd, who tried to get the man back here. The Turd, whose wi -- mother's been lying on him and lying on him and trying to break up this family. And they've all agreed to kill us by any means necessary. You think I'm going to deliver them The
Turd? Not on your life, jack.

Crowd: No!!!!

The Liberal Librarian: No.

The Turd [Jonathan Oliver Blair III]: Is there any way that if I go that it'll help us, my Lord?

The Liberal Librarian: No. Fuck no!! You're not going. You're not going, jack.

Crowd: No.

The Liberal Librarian: You're not going. I can't live that way. I cannot live that way. (More emphatic) I've lived with -- for all, and I'll die for all, brother.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: I've been living on a hope for a long time, Pam, and I appreciate -- You've always been a very good agitator, you bitch. I like agitation, because you have to see two sides of one issue, two sides of a question. But what those people are gonna get
done, once they get through, will make our lives worse than hell. They'll make us -- make the rest of us not accept it. When they get through lying. They posed so many lies between there and that truck that we are -- we are done-in as far as any other alternative.

Mrs. Fanuci: Well, I say let's make an air -- airlift to Russia, ehhhhh. That's what I say. I don't think nothing is impossible if you believe it, ehhhhhhhhh…

The Liberal Librarian: How are we going to do that? How are you going to airlift to Russia, brother?

Mrs. Fanuci: Well, I -uhhhhhh- Well, I thought you -ehhhhhh- they said if we got in an emergency, that they gave you a code to let them know, ehhhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: No, they didn't, you fuckin' old bag. They said if we -- if they saw the country coming down they agreed they'd give us a code. They'd give us a code. We -- you can check on that and see if it's on the code. We can check with Russia to see if they'll take us in immediately, otherwise we die, brother. I don't know what else you say to these people. But to me, death is not -- uh, death is not a fearful thing. It's living that's cuts ya.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: I have never, never, never, never seen anything like this before in my life. I've never seen people take the law uh, and do uh -- in their own hands and provoke us and try to purposely agitate murder of our asses. There is no -- Pam, it's just not -- it's just not worth living like this. Not worth living like this, dude.

Mrs. Fanuci: I think that there were too few who left for twelve hundred people to give them their lives for those people that left, ehhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: Do you know how many left, brother?

Mrs. Fanuci: (Casual) Ehhhhhhh, twenty-odd. That's -- That's a small (The Liberal Librarian speaks over)

The Liberal Librarian: Twenty-odd, twenty-odd, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: Compared to what's here.

The Liberal Librarian: Twenty-odd. But what's gonna happen when they don't leave? (Pause) I hope that they could leave. But what's gonna happen when they -- when they don't leave, dude?

Mrs. Fanuci: Ehhhhh, You mean the people here?

The Liberal Librarian: Yeah. What's going to happen to us when they don't leave, when they get on the plane and the plane goes down, jack?

Mrs. Fanuci: I don't think they'll do that, uhhhhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: You don't think they'll go down, dude?

Crowd: Murmurs

The Liberal Librarian: I -- I wish I could tell you were right, but I'm right. There's one man there who blames, and rightfully so, Jody Boskivitz for the loss -- for the loss of Hillary -- and he'll sh --he'll stop that pilot by any means necessary. (Pause) He'll do it.
That plane'll come out of the air. There's no way you can fly a plane without a pilot, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: I wasn't speaking about that plane. I was speaking about a plane for us to go to Russia, asshole, ehhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: How -- (Sighs) Sciencedammit, bitch!!!

Crowd: Stirs

The Liberal Librarian: -- to Russia? You think Russia's gonna want -- no, it's not gonna, it's, it's, it's -- We're not, uh -- You think Russia's gonna want us with all this stigma? (Pause) We had -- we --we had some value, but now we don't have any value since Hillary got her ass kicked, by that sciencedamned coon, brother.

Mrs. Fanuci: Well, I don't see it like that. I mean, I feel like that-- as long as there's life, there's hope. That's my faith, ehhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: Well -- someday everybody dies, brother. You ought to know that you fucking bitch. Hell, everybody you knew has already fucking died. Da Crunk is dead out there on that plane, your fucking failure of a son is dead, Hell Curtis is so old, he'll probably be dead by the end of this month anyway, dude. I haven't seen anybody yet didn't die. And I'd like to choose my own kind of death for a change. I'm tired of being tormented to hell by Tombama, that's what I'm tired of. (Pause) Tired of it.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: -- twelve hundred people's lives in my hands, and I certainly don't want your life in my hands. I'm going to tell you, Pam, without me, life has no meaning, brother.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: I'm the best thing you'll ever have, jack.

Curtis: AMEN!!!!

The Liberal Librarian: I want, want, I have to pay -- I'm standing with The Turd. I'm standing with those people. They're part of me. I could detach myself. I really could detach myself, brother. No, no, no, no, no, no. I never detach myself from any of your troubles. I've always taken your troubles right on my shoulders. Just like with Fanuci. And I'm not going to change that now. It's too late. I've been running too long. Not going to change now, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Maybe the next time you'll get to go to Russia. The next time round. This is -- what I'm talking about now is the dispensation of judgment. This is a revolutionary -- it's a revolutionary suicide council, brother. I'm not talking about self --
self-destruction. I'm talking about what -- we have no other road. I will take your -- your call. We will put it to the Russians. And I can tell you the answer now, because I'm a fucking prophet, dude. Call the Russians and tell them, and see if they'll take us, brother.

Mrs. Fanuci: I said I'm not ready to die. But I know (unintelligible)

The Liberal Librarian: I don't think you are. I don't think you are, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: But, ah, I look about at the retards and I think they deserve to live, you know?

The Liberal Librarian: I -- I agree. But they -- But don't they also they deserve much more, they deserve peace, brother.

Crowd: Right.

Mrs. Fanuci: Ehhh, We all came here for peace.

The Liberal Librarian: And we've -- have we had it?

Mrs. Fanuci: No.

The Liberal Librarian: I tried to give it to you. I've laid down my life, practically. I've practically died every day to give you peace, jack. And you still not have any peace. You look better than I've seen you in a long while, but it's still not the kind of peace that I
wanted to give you. Uh -- A person's a fool who continues to say that they're winning when you're losing. (Pause) Win one, lose two. What? (Pause) I didn't hear you, ma'am. You'll have to speak up. Ma'am, you'll have to speak up, jack.

Antoinette Fanuci: (Unintelligible)

The Liberal Librarian: That's a sweet thought. Who said that? (Pause) C -- Come on up and speak it again, you ugly fat heifer. Say what you want to say about (unintelligible) is taking off. No plane is taking off. (Pause) It's suicide. Plenty have done it. Captain Redneck has done it. But somebody ought to live. Somebody -- Can they talk to -- and
I've talked to Braddock -- see that Redneck does not get by with this infamy -- with this infamy. He has done the thing he wanted to do. Have us destroyed, brother. (Pause)

Mrs. Fanuci: When you -- when you -- when we destroy ourselves, we're defeated. We let them, the enemies, defeat us, ehhhhh.

Rev. Dr. Curtis Eldorado Lowe: Just hold on a Got-Damn minute dere, sista, just hold yo ass on. We done hab made dat day. We made a bootiful day, we ate da jelly, da syrup, da molasses, now we gotz to eat da ass, so let's make dis a bootiful day. Dat be what I say.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Wise words, Curtis. We will win. We win when we go down. Captain Redneck has nobody else to hate. He has nobody else to hate. Then he'll destroy himself. I'm speaking here not as uh, the administrator, I'm speaking as a prophet today, brother. I wouldn't have set in this seat and talked so serious if I didn't know what I was talking about. Has anybody called back? The immense amount of damage that's going to be done, but I cannot separate myself from the pain of my people. You can't either, Pam, if you stop to think about it. You can't separate yourself. We've walked too long together,
brother.

Mrs. Fanuci: I well know that. But I still think, as an individual, I have a right to --

The Liberal Librarian: You do, and I'm listening, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: -- to say what I think, what I feel. And I think we all have a right to our own destiny as individuals, ehhhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: Right.

Mrs. Fanuci: And I think I have a right to choose mine, and everybody else has a right to choose theirs.

Mrs. Fanuci: You know?

The Liberal Librarian: Mmm-hmm. I'm not criticizing (unintelligible)
-- What's that?

Unintelligible woman's voice

The Liberal Librarian: That's today. That's what 20 people said today. We're alive, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: Well, ehhhh...., I think I still have a right to my own opinion.

Curtis Lowe: Pam, you're stank ass is only standin hurr because da ma-si-a was hurr in da first place. So I ain't know what your ass be talkin' about, habin' an indibidual life. Yo stank pussy is rurined. And yo ass has be extended to da day dat you be standin dere, because of da ma-si-a's ass.

Mrs. Fanuci: Shut your ass, you dark black Hershey!!! You got a little dick anyway, asshole. Black menz is supposed to have big dicks like Da Crunk, but you got that little shriveled up snail, ehhhh.

Sound of scuffling then a gun shot (evidently The Lib fired a gun into the air)

The Liberal Librarian: (Unintelligible word) I guess she has as much right to speak as anybody else, too. What did you say, Marilyn? Well, you'll regret that this very day if you don't die. You'll regret it if you do, though you don't die. You'll regret it.

Marilyn Krapowski: (Unintelligible) You've saved so many people, but we were such fools. But I'll drink the Kool-Aid, we have no other choice. I can't get a job anywhere else, so I may as well die here.

The Liberal Librarian: I've saved them. I saved them, but I made my example. I made my expression. I made my manifestation, and the world was ready -- not ready for me. Paul said, "I was a man born out of due season." I've been born out of due season, just like all we are, and the best testimony we can make is to leave this Sciencedamn world, brother.

Crowd: Applause

Inez Mitchell: You must prepare to die, Pam.

Mrs. Fanuci: I'm not talking to her ass. Will you let -- Would you --would you let her or let me talk?

The Liberal Librarian: Keep talking, you old fucking bag.

Mrs. Fanuci: Would you make her sit down and let me talk while I'm on the floor or let her talk?

The Liberal Librarian: How can you tell the leader what to do if you live, brother?

Crowd: Stirs (lots of expletives)

The Liberal Librarian: I've -- I've listened to you. You asked me about Russia. I'm right now making a call to Russia. What more do you suggest? I'm listening to you. You've got to give me one slight bit of encouragement. I just now instructed her to go there and do that.

Voices

Lowe: A'ight now, ebrybody ass hold on here!!! We didn't come – hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

The Liberal Librarian: Let law, My Law, be maintained, dudes.

Voices

The Liberal Librarian: To lay down your burden. I'm gonna lay down my burden. Down by the riverside, jack. Shall we lay them down here in --by Pride? What's the difference? (Pause) No man didn't take our lives. Right now. They haven't taken them. But when they start parachuting out of the air, they'll -- they'll shoot some of our innocent asses.
I'm not lying -- I don't wanna die, Pam. But they gotta shoot me to get through to some of these people.

Karma McCarthy: -- gonna die?

The Liberal Librarian: What's that?

Karma: You mean you want us to die -- (The Liberal Librarian talks over)

The Liberal Librarian: I want to see --

Crowd: Shouting

The Liberal Librarian: (Pleading) Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

Kelly Millis: (Weepy) We're all ready to go. If you tell us we have to give our lives now, we're ready -- at least the rest of the sisters and brothers from BCPL are with me.

The Liberal Librarian: Shut your ass mouth, queen. You're one of those dirty little faggots that hangs out in the men's room at the bus station. You dirty little fairy. Put him in the box!! (Millis is thrown in the box with Mud Monkey who snaps his nipples and then forces the poison down his throat. Millis soon dies). Some months I've tried to keep this thing from happening. But I now see it's the will -- it's the will of Science that this happen to us, brother. That we lay down our lives in protest against what's being done, about the election of Tombama, about Redneck stealing my belt, jack. That we lay down our lives to protest in what's being done. The criminality of the election, where a black, blue-gummed, half-breed conservative disguised as a nigger, was elected as the President. An Uncle Tom, if you will, dude. The cruelty of the DNC. Who walked out of here today? Did you notice who walked out? Mostly white, liberal Democrats, jack.

Crowd: Stirs

The Liberal Librarian: Mostly white Democrats walked, jack, fatasses like Fanuci and Jennings. (Pause) I'm so grateful for the ones that didn't -- those who knew who they are. I just know that there – there -- there's no point -- there's no point to this. We have -- We are born before our time, brother. They won't accept us. And I don't think we should sit here and take any more time for our asses to be endangered.

Mrs. Fanuci: (Unintelligible)?

The Liberal Librarian: I have no quarrel with you coming up. I like you. I personally like you very much, you old bag.

Mrs. Fanuci: People get hostile when you try and --

The Liberal Librarian: Oh, well, some people do -- but then, you know, yes -- yes, some people do. Put it that way -- I'm not hostile. You had to be honest, but you've stayed, and if you'da be -- you wanted to run, you'd have run with them 'cause anybody could've run today. What would anyone do? I know you're not a runner. And I, I would -- I'd --
your life is precious to me. It's as precious as The Turd's. And I -- and I don't -- what I do I do with weight and justice and judgment. I'm -- I've weighed it against all evidence.

Mrs. Fanuci: That's all I've got to say.

The Liberal Librarian: What comes now, folks? What comes now?

Curtis: Everybody hold it. Sit yo asses down, and listen to our savya, our Ma-si-a, our Massa.

The Liberal Librarian: Say it. Say, brother. (Unintelligible word, repeated three times).

The Liberal Librarian: (Unintelligible) -- got some respect for our lives.

Curtis: Dat means sit down, sit down. Sit de fuck down, foos!

The Liberal Librarian: I know. (Pause) (Groan) I tried so very, very hard. They're trying over here to see what's going to -- what's going to happen in Washingt -- Who is it?

(Voices)

The Liberal Librarian: Get Letravis out of here before something happens to him. (Pause) Letravis? I'm not talking about The Turd. I said (Emphatic) Letravis. Ain't nobody gonna take The Turd, jack. I'm not lettin' 'em take The Turd, brother. (Pause) Gather in, folks. It's easy, it's easy. Yes, my love.

Ms. Shitifa: At one time, my ass felt jes like dat bitch Pam felt. But afta today I don't feel nuthin' cuz dem fuckas dat lef' here for a fight, and I know, it really hurt my heart cuz --

The Liberal Librarian: Broke your heart, didn't it?

Ms. Shitifa: It broke my heart, to think dat all of dis year de wite honkys had been wit us, and they're not a part of our asses. So we might as well end it now because I don't see shit--

The Liberal Librarian: It's all over. The judge has been murdered, jack.

Music and singing

Luke Leftwich: It's all over.

The Liberal Librarian: Well, it's all over, all over. (Pause) What a legacy, what a legacy. What the Red Brigade doin' one bit that made any sense anyway? They invaded our privacy. They came into our home. They followed us six hundred miles away. My Red Brigade showed them justice. Judge Judas is dead, jack.

Music only

The Liberal Librarian: (Speaks authoritatively) Please get us some medication. It's simple. It's simple. There's no convulsions with it. It's just simple. Just, please get it. Before it's too late. The Civilian Security Force will be here, I tell you. Get movin', get
movin', get movin'.

Voices

Liz Bien: Now. Do it now!

The Liberal Librarian: (More excited) Don't be afraid to die, brother. You'll see, there'll be a few people land out here. They'll -- they'll torture some of our children here. They'll torture our people. They'll torture our seniors. We cannot have this. Are you going to separate yourself from whoever shot the judge? I don't know who shot him, jack.

Voices: No. No. No.

Music ("Something's Got a Hold of My Ass")

The Liberal Librarian: Just speak their piece. And those who had a right to go, and they had a right to -- How many are dead? (Pause) Aw, Science Almighty, Science Almighty. Hmm? Joannie Saulright is dead?

Grimace Coleman: (In breathless throaty speak) Some of the others who endure long enough in a safe place to write about the goodness of Joseph "The Liberal Librarian" Paynter.

The Liberal Librarian: I don't know how in the world they're ever going to write about us, Grimace jack. It's just too late. It's too late, you fat wildebeest. The judge's dead. The judge lays dead. Many of our traitors are dead. Fat ass Fanuci is probably dead, laying out there like a beached whale, and he left his lottery ticket too, jack. They're all layin' out there dead, in their own piss and stool, brother.

Voices

The Liberal Librarian: Hmm? I didn't, but -- but my people did. My people did. Fanuci did it. They're my people, and they -- they've been provoked too much. People rammed too many things up their asses. They've been provoked too much. What's happened here's been to --basically been an act of provocation, brother.

Jabberjaw: -- and I appreciate you for everything. You are the only --You are the only -- You are the only. And I appreciate you --

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Jabberjaw, what the fuck are you talking about. Just get in line and shut the fuck up. (Urgently) Please, can we hasten? Can we hasten with that medication? You don't know what you've done, jack. (Pause) And I tried.

Applause, music, singing.

The Liberal Librarian: They saw it happen and ran into the bush and dropped the machine guns, that dumbass Fanuci got caught up in the crossfire. I never in my life. (Pause) But (unintelligible word) more. (Pause) But we've got to move. Are you gonna get that medication here? You've got to move. Inez, in about forty minutes.

Inez Mitchell: You have to move, and the people that are standing there in the aisles, go stand in the radio room yard. Everybody get behind the table and back this way, okay? There's nothing to worry about. Every -- Everybody keep calm and try and keep your children calm. (Pause) And uh, all those children that help, let the little children in and reassure them. (Pause) They're not crying from pain. It's just a little bitter tasting. It's not -- They're not crying out of any pain. CityD, Eugene, can I please see you back --

Curtis: Things I used to do before I came here. So let me tell yo ass about it. It might make a lot of you fuckas feelz a little mo comfortable. Sit yo asses down and shut da fuck up, please. One of de tings I used to do, I used to be a therapiss. And the kind of therapy
that my ass did had to do wit' reincarnation in pass life situations. And every time anybody had the experience of it -- of going into a pass life, I was fortunate enough through Father Lib to be able to let dem experience it all the way trough dere death, so to speak. And everybody ass was so happy when dey ass made dat step to the other side.

The Liberal Librarian: (Unintelligible) -- to do, but stop that way. It's the only way to step. (Microphone off briefly, unintelligible word) But that choice is not ours now. It's out of our hands, jack.

Children crying in the background

Curtis: If you a cripple, suddenly your ass have the kind of body dat you want to have. And you neva hab to eat da ass again.

The Liberal Librarian: Somebody give them a little rest, a little rest, brother.

Curtis: It feels good. It never felt so good, except when Shitifa be going (Unintelligible word) on my ass, may I tell you. You've never felt so good as how dat feels. (Pause)

Crying and talking

Liz Bien: (Joyous) I just want to uh, say something for everyone that I see that is standing around and -- or crying. This is nothing to cry about. This is something we could all rejoice about. We could be happy about this. They always told us that we could cry when you're coming into this world. So when we're leaving, and we're gonna leave it peaceful, I think we should be -- we should be happy about this. I was just thinking about The Liberal Librarian. He just has suffered and suffered and suffered. We have -- We have the honor guard, and we don't even have a chance to (Unintelligible word) got here. I want to
give him one more chance. There's just one more thing I want to say. That's few that's gone, but many more here. (Unintelligible) That's not all of us. That's not all yet. That's just a few that have died. I tried to get to the one that -- there's a kid over there
(unintelligible) I'm looking at so many people crying. I wish you would not cry. And just thank Father Lib. (Unintelligible) I been here about --

Crowd: Sustained applause

Liz Bien: I've been here ah – several months. And I never felt better in my life. Not in Braddock, but until I came to The Libtown. I had a very good life. I had a beautiful life, licking the pussy of my old bag partner. And I don't see nothing that I could be sorry about. We should be happy. At least I am. That's all I'm gonna say.

Applause, music

Jabberjaw: (Weepy) -- good to be alive today. I just like to thank Dad, 'cause he was the only one that stood up for me when I needed him. And thank you, Dad.

Antoinette Fanuci: (Unintelligible word) I'm glad you're my brothers and sisters, and I'm glad to be here with my sweetie, da Turd. I'm glad my asshole brother is already dead, somewhere in the desert sprawled out with his fat gut splattered like a squashed slug. Okay.

Voices

The Liberal Librarian: (Pleading) Please. For Science's sake, let's get on with it. We've lived -- we've lived as no other people have lived and loved, brother. We've had as much of this world as you're gonna get. Let's just be done with it. Let's be done with the agony of it, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: It's far, far harder to have to walk through every day, die slowly -- and from the time you're a child 'til the time you get gray, you're dying, jack. (Pause) Dishonest, and I'm sure that they'll -- they'll pay for it. They -- They'll pay for it. This is a revolutionary suicide. This is not a self-destructive suicide. So they'll pay for this. They brought this upon us. And they'll pay for that. I -- I leave that destiny to them, brother.

Voices

The Liberal Librarian: I want to go -- I want to see you go, though, jack. I -- They can take me and do what they want -- whatever they want to do. They can stick whatever they want up my ass, brother. I want to see you go. I don't want to see you go through this hell no more. No more, no more, no more. (Pause) We're trying. If everybody will relax. The best thing you do is to relax, and you will have no problem. You'll have no problem with this thing, if you just relax.

John Thehut: (Unintelligible phrase) A great deal because it's The Liberal Librarian. And the way the children are laying there now, I'd rather see them lay like that than to see them have to die like the Jews did, which was pitiful anyhow. And I'd just like to -- to thank Dad for giving us life and also death. And I appreciate the fact of the way our children are going. Because, like Dad said, when they come in, what they're gonna do to our children -- they're gonna massacre our children. And also the ones that they take captured, they're gonna just let them grow up and be dummies like they want them to be. And not grow up to be a socialist like the one and only Liberal Librarian. So I'd like -- I'd like to thank Dad for the opportunity for letting The Libtown be, not what it could be, (Emphatic) but what The Libtown is. Thank you, Dad.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: It's not to be afeared. It is not to be feared. It's a friend. It's a friend -- sitting there, show your love for one another. Let's get gone. Let's get gone. Let's get gone, dudes. (Unintelligible word) We had nothing we could do. We can't -- we can't separate ourselves from our own people. (Pause) For twenty years laying in some old rotten nursing home with shit seeping out of our asses, jack.

Music

The Liberal Librarian: Taking us through all these anguish years. They took us and put us in chains and that's nothing. This business – that -- that business -- there's no comparison to that, to this. They've robbed us of our land, of our library, and they've taken us and driven us and we tried to find ourselves. We tried to find a new beginning. But it's too
late. You can't separate yourself from your brother and your sister, brother. No way I'm going to do it. I wi -- I refuse. I don't know who fired the shot. I don't know who killed the judge. But as far as I am concerned, I killed him. You understand what I'm saying? I killed him. He had no business consulting with Tombama. I told him not to do that.

Gail Donnelly: Right, right.

Music and crying

The Liberal Librarian: (Pleading) Die, with respect, die with a degree of dignity, dudes. Lay down your life with dignity. Don't lay down with tears and agony. There's nothing to death. It's like Curtis said, it's just stepping over into another plane. Don't be -- Don't be this way. Stop this hysterics, jack. This is not the way for people who are Socialists or
Communists to die. No way for us to die. We must die with some dignity. We must die with some dignity. (Pause) We will have no choice. Now we have some choice. Do you think they're gonna stand --allow this to be done and allow us to get by with this? You must be insane. (Pause) Look children, it's just something to put you to rest. (Despairing tone) Oh, Science!!

Children crying

The Liberal Librarian: Brother, Brother, Brother, Brother, Brother, please. Bother, please, please, please. Don't -- don't do this. Don't do this. Lay down your life with your child. But don't do this, jack.

Noah Retro: We're doing all of this for you.

The Liberal Librarian: Free at last, jack. Peace. Keep your emotions down. Keep your emotions down. Children, it will not hurt. If you'll be -- if you'll be quiet. If you'll be quiet.

Music and crying

The Liberal Librarian: It's never been done before, you say. It's been done by every tribe in history, jack. (Emphatic) Every tribe facing annihilation. All the Indians of the Amazon are doing it right now. They refuse to bring any babies into the world. They kill every child that comes into the world, because they don't want to live in this kind of a world. So be patient. Be patient. Death is -- I tell you, I don't care how many screams you hear, I don't care how many anguished cries, death is a million times preferable to ten more days of this life, brother. If you knew what was ahead of you -- if you knew what
was ahead of you, you'd be glad to be stepping over tonight. Death, death, death is common to people. And the Eskimos, they take death in their stride. Let's be digni -- let's be dignified. (Reprimands) Are we black, proud, and Socialist, or what are we, dudes? Now stop this nonsense. Don't carry this on anymore. No, no sorrow that it's all over. I'm glad it's over. Hurry, hurry, my children. Hurry. All I think (unintelligible) from
the hands of the enemy. Hurry, my children. Hurry. There are seniors out here that I'm concerned about. Hurry. I don't want to leave my seniors to this mess. (Pause) Only quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly. Good knowing you. No more pain now. No more pain, I said (unintelligible). No more pain. Tony Fanuci is lying on the airfield
dead at this moment laying in a pool of his own blood, shit and piss, all is lost, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Remember these, these are the people – the peddlers of hate. All we're doing is laying down our life. We're not letting them take our life. We're laying down our life. Peace in their lives. We just want peace, brother.

The Liberal Librarian: All they're doing is -- All they do is taking a drink. They take it to go to sleep. That's what death is, sleep. I'm tired of it all.

Jabberjaw: Everything we could have ever done, most loving thing all of us could have done, and it's been a pleasure walking with all of you in this revolutionary struggle. No other way I would rather go to give my life for socialism, communism, and I thank The Lib very, very much.

Grimace: Right. Yes. The Lib -- Lib's love and nursing, goodness and kindness, and he bring us to this land of freedom. His love – his mother was the advance -- the advance guard for socialism. And his love and his principles (unintelligible) will go on forever unto the fields of --

The Liberal Librarian: Shut the fuck up you cow cunt! Where's the vat, the vat, the vat? Where's the vat with the Green C on it? Bring the vat with the Green C in. Please? Bring it here so the adults can begin.

Grimace: Go on unto the Zion, and thank you, Lib.

The Liberal Librarian: (Unintelligible) That's right keep drinking. Especially you Grimace, it will take a gallon or two to kill your fat ass. Don't, don't fail to follow my advice. You'll be sorry. If we do it, then that they do it. Have trust. You mu -- You have to step across, dude.

The Liberal Librarian: Can't some people assure these children of the relaxation of stepping over to the next plane? They set an example for others. We said -- one thousand people who said, we don't like the way the world is. Take some. Take our life from us. We laid it down. We got tired. We didn't commit suicide, we committed an act of
revolutionary suicide protesting the conditions of an inhumane Messiah.

Music

Everyone has partaken of the Kool-Aid except for The Turd and The Lib. The Lib keeps looking at Fanuci's lottery ticket. The two men carry on a conversation as the last few Libtown cultists expire from the cyanide laced Kool-Aid. A radio plays in the background and reveals the winning lottery number. It is Fanuci's number!!! Fanuci has won $275 million!!! The Lib puts the ticket in his pocket and tells The Turd it's time to cross over. The Turd says he would rather kill The Lib, then kill himself. The Lib says, "no way, dude. You shoot yourself and then I'll drink the Kool-Aid. I have a few important things to write the world, jack." The Turd then takes his own life by shooting
himself. As he lays dying, the Turd looks very aroused, then he expires in an orgasm. The Lib looks around at the hundreds of dead, his fallen followers. He then looks at the grape Kool-Aid and takes a cup. He then looks at the dead again, then pulls the lottery ticket out. He pours out the Kool-Aid and looks around, sees Curtis and Mud
Monkey lying there dead in an embrace and says "Fuck that! Maybe this wasn't the best idea, bra. But, tough luck, dudes. I don't think I would have done all that, jack. In fact, now that I have all this money, the last thing I need is a bunch of Libs stealing it from me, dude. I think I'm gonna be a Republican, brother. Figure out how to hide and keep all this green, Jack! C’mon Tybalt, we’re heading to the bank, dude" He and Tybalt then walk away from Libtown and The Lib thrusts one arm into the air as "Don't You Forget About Me" plays…

We then see the wreckage of a small airplane and EMT’s recovering an obese individual from the wreckage. It’s a comatose Tony Fanuci. Fanuci is taken to the hospital where he is told the news of the fate of Libtown after awakening from the coma. After he says “Where am I?” he begins ranting about his lottery ticket. He then reads the newspaper and finds out an anonymous man with a tinfoil wearing cat has claimed the ticket. Fanuci goes nuts and claims it’s The Lib. The doctors tell him The Lib expired at Libtown, but Fanuci will have none of it. They even show him footage of the recovery of the bodies and the coroner, Paul Bearer: “OHHHHHHH YESSSSSSS, the bodies were in an advanced state of decomposition so identification was nearly impossible. The only exception being the well preserved gigantic fecal matter with a strange smile on its face. I will still make every effort to take good care of the bodies!” Eventually they sedate Fanuci, snap his nips, and put him in a mental hospital. He is forced to wear an enormous straitjacket and keeps yelling “I can’t scratch my dick!!!” The Lib then appears at the hospital and taunts Fanuci as the song “St. Elmo’s Fire” plays…

...J. R. Ewing wakes up suddenly in a cold sweat, with the song "St. Elmo’s Fire" playing on his alarm clock. He yells, "Sue Ellen, Sue Ellen, I had this awful dream. Remind me never to eat shellfish again." Ms. Shitifa rolls over beside him. She says, "Okay J. Arraahhhh. Is you ready to get yo' freak on, niggy style?"...

… J.R. Bolts up in the bed, with the song "St. Elmo’s Fire" playing on the alarm clock. J.R. yells, "Where's that crack whore?" Sue Ellen asks him what's wrong. J.R. says, "Sue Ellen it's you. I just had the weirdest dream." He recounts a wild tale about some backwater wrestling association that he got involved with and that the dream covered 11 years. Sue Ellen tells him not to worry, it was just a bad nightmare and that she will go get him some coffee. When Sue Ellen leaves the room we hear a bunch of flatulence coming from the bathroom and a flush. J.R. rushes to the bathroom and recoils in horror as we see a reflection in the mirror of what appears to be a giant Hershey bar.

The end…?

Man Arrested for Ruining Laundry

LIBTOWN, Tx. (AP) -- Repeated discoveries of human feces in clothing and other items left in the basement laundry room of a Libtown apartment building have led to charges against an enormously obese 42-year-old man.

Authorities say Tony Fanuci was arrested after a woman whose laundry had been soiled in a washer chased him back to his apartment in an adjoining building. Residents also reported finding feces in shoes and boots in an apartment hallway and in washing machines where it soiled a comforter, baby clothes and other items that had to be thrown out.

Fanuci was charged in Libtown Circuit Court yesterday with three counts of disorderly conduct, and three counts of criminal damage to property. Court records showed he also is facing charges of lewd and lascivious behavior in Braddock county.

Fanuci told reporters that he was “innocent of deez fukin charges. It wasn’t my ass, it was my roommate da Toid,” said Fanuci. He further noted, “Da noyve of dat guy! I wake up every morning wit shit in my mouth and dat bastid has nuttin betta to do den frame my ass! Why I oughtaaaa...!!”Upon his official plea, Fanuci begged the judge (disbarred former 5th Circuit Court of Appeals justice William J. Jennings) to release him of all charges. He claimed he was innocent. Jennings promptly ordered Fanuci’s confinement and torture for disrupting court. As Tony Fanuci was being hauled away, covered in blood, piss, and fece, an angrily aroused bystander wearing a Hershey’s chocolate outfit played a muted trumpet, while rubbing himself furiously.

Liberal assault victim in Pride forced to say 'I love America'

Liberal assault victim in Pride forced to say 'I love America'
By Ricky Jones

The Pride Chronicle


Pride, TX

Pride sheriff’s deputies released a sketch of one of the suspects in the ideological assault. A 36-year-old Liberal-American was repeatedly punched in the face early today in Pride and forced to say "I love America," Pride Sheriff’s deputies reported.

The liberal victim told investigators that he was walking stoned in the area of 10th and Marine streets "with [his] minions" about 1 a.m., singing a song from the movie "Fahrenheit 911." The liberals were shopping for large cauldrons and industrial amounts of sugar and flavored drink mix.

The liberal said they were confronted by four men. One of the men — described as being a blond white male about 40 or 60 — said, "Do you think you are an American?" called him a "Democrat," punched him in the face "multiple times" and told him to say that he loved America, police said.

The liberal also told investigators that while two of the men held him down, the two others sexually assaulted him.

After the confrontation with the liberal-American, the assailant ran off with three other members of his group. Got in a pick-up trunk and yelled “Let’s tell CR!!”

The suspect is about 5-foot-10 and was wearing a white tank top with the letters K-K-K and black pants.

One of the other men with the assailant in what officials said may be a hate crime was described as a white male with a mullet and was wearing a long-sleeved gray sweatshirt.

Jenine Lewis, spokeswoman for the Pride Sheriff’s Department, said that originally investigators believed a knife was held to the Liberal-American's throat. But she said further interviews lead investigators to believe that the suspect may have referred to a knife but did not show one.

"This hate crime underscores the importance of our message of inclusion, diversity and acceptance," said Lewis. “That’s why its so important that Obama won the presidency. He, and he alone can save this world!”

Upon hearing Lewis’s statement, the liberal victim was quoted as saying, “fuck that bitch, dude. Those rednecks may have raped my ass, but once Tomboma is done with this country, all Americans will feel like they have just been assfucked by a freight train, jack!! Besides, I was so high on jenkem, brother, I may have hallunciated the whole attack, and I probably assfucked myself with a cucumber, bra. Though don’t worry, liberalmaniacs, because the final solution is coming, bra. What are you gonna do, when my army of minions drink the kool-aid on you!?”

Disturbing Transmission Picked up from Ham Radio in Libtown

The Liberal Librarian kicks the TV over and curses violently. He turns to see his minions and cultists staring at him. He grabs the mic and slurrinlgly yells "White Night! White Night!!" and orders everyone to come to the pavilion.

"What are you lookin' at? You're all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be. You didn't have the guts to elect Hillary. You listened to the media and voted for that inexperienced fool. Well, you need someone like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers, and say "that's the bad guy." So, what'll that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth... even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy. Come on. This is the last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you."

The Lib berates Tony Fanuci "You as crazy as your mama!! Goes to show it's in the genes!!"

Judge Jennings interjects: "Hillary's career, like her vagina, smells as bad as that crab meat, Obama's is alive and breathing. You gonna line up with a smelly vagina, Lib?

The Lib: "They can't buy me, you can't buy me... it means fuck all to me! The One may smile and smile and still be a villain."

The Lib then berates Fanuci about his relations with an Obama volunteer. Fanuci: "I didn't think much about it at the time. Just bullshit, y'know, everybody likes to make themselves out to be something more than they are. 'Specially in the homosexual underworld of the Democrat Party. But when they got him nominated I got real scared. And that's when I got popped. They'll get to you too. They'll destroy you. They're untouchable, man. "

The Lib tells the cultists that "Fundamentally, people are suckers for shit like Obama. But the people don't know shit because they've never been fucked in the ass! But they will be, Obama will destroy this country!

Jennings: You're way out there, boss, taking a crap in the wind, and I for one am not going along on this ride! None of your testimony is gonna hold up in court, Chief. Hell all of you have reputations as low as crocodile piss.

The Turd says, "Well don't let Jennings start sticking his damn nose in this thing! Every time he goes on some fuckin' fact-finding mission, he comes back and just scares the shit out of the Lib! Now I want Fanuci on him night and day, like a fly on shit. Now you control Jennings, and you control Obama."

The Lib: "Who grieves for Hillary's career? Buried in a cheap New York grave under the name "Senator/First Lady"? Nobody. Cause that motherfucker Obama, stole that motherfuckin' election, that's why. Hillary, was gonna be one of the great presidents 'till Obama wrecked it up. (Points at Da Brothas and Rev. Dr. Curtis Lowe) Got these niggas running around askin' for their damn rights and handouts. Why do you think we got all this crime nowadays? He promised those motherfuckers too goddamn much you ask me!!"