Braddock Sheriff's Department issues All Points Bulletin

The Braddock County Sheriff's Department has issued an All Points Bulletin for Carl Reubens (who wrestles in the WNWA as Yeti) and his cousin, Joseph Paul Paynter (who wrestles in the WNWA as The Liberal Librarian). Reubens and Paynter are wanted on drugs charges, specifically obtaining ingredients to manufacture methamphetamine, manufacturing methamphetamine with intent to sell, possession of controlled substances with intent to sell, and obtaining controlled substances under false pretenses. In addition, Reubens is wanted for robbery of the Rite Aid on Elm St in Braddock.

Both men are on the loose, but believed to be still in Braddock. They may be armed. They are believed to be addicts, and they may be crazed and dangerous if suffering from withdrawal effects from meth or its sister substance, a supposedly all natural herbal supplement that has been analyzed as a human growth hormone called, Libotines.

A search of Paynter's home at the Happy Hill federal housing project high rise on Happy Hill Ave in downtown Braddock turned up an enormous stash of controlled substances, including the highly addictive steroid, Libotines, which have recently been banned by the FDA for having previously unknown side effects. The Libotines have been confiscated, and are being held as evidence. The search also turned up anti-American propaganda, Communist manifestos, a copy of the Quran, a shrine to Hillary Rodham Clinton and a large stash of bisexual and so-called "scat" pornography.

A search of Reubens' trailer turned up a large amount of meth-making equipment. Deputies believe the two men are working in concert to run a major North Texas meth ring, using Reubens' trailer as the main meth lab.

An Inconvenient Cafe was searched very early this morning, after a tip that Paynter may be holed up there. Paynter was not on the premises, but deputies did arrest an employee, Tony Fanuci, and a patron, John Perry (who wrestles as T.M.I .), who were engaged in lewd acts at the time of deputies' arrival. Another man escaped out the back door and fled into the Braddock County Public Library, but deputies were unable to make a positive identification after searching the library. Both Fanuci and T.M.I. are being held in solitary confinement cells at the Braddock County Prison Farm, where their homosexual influence can be safely kept away from the Braddock Prison Farm Chain Gang.

Both Reubens and Paynter wear beards and long hair. Both appear dirty and smelly. In addition, Reubens is covered in numerous tattoos. Both men are librarians at BCPL, but have called in sick for the last several days. If anyone sees either Reubens or Paynter, call Braddock Crimestoppers immediately.