JUDGE JENNINGS: Plaintiff, Tony Fanuci the document I have here is that you are filing a lawsuit against Mud Monkey for all the abuse that he has “given [your] ass”. Is that correct?
FANUCI: Soytenly.
JUDGE JENNINGS: What has he done to you? Is there any proof?
FANUCI: [Lifts up his “bed sheet” shirt exposing his enormous man tits and proclaims] I got da proof right here. Look at my nipples!! Dey look like hamboiga.
JUDGE JENNINGS: Your out of order. Bailiff!! [THE BAILIFF, DA CRUNK STRUTS OVER TO FANUCI, PINCHES HIS NIPPLES, TWISTS, THEN SNAPS HIS FINGERS]
FANUCI: AWWW!!!!!! Yeah dat’s what Mud did. Dat fuckin monkey pinched dem, helt dem, and..pullt dem..as far as he could. Then he twisted and toyned dem. Den he snapped his fingas!! Afta dis, da Revoind Coitis often screamed out : “Dat's da TWIN NIPPLE ATTACK!!" DA DOITY BASTID!!
JUDGE JENNINGS: Don’t talk about the Defendant’s legal counsel.
FANUCI: But it’s true.
JUDGE JENNINGS: Bailiff!![THE BAILIFF, DA CRUNK STRUTS OVER TO FANUCI, PINCHES HIS NIPPLES, TWISTS, THEN SNAPS HIS FINGERS]
FANUCI: AWWW!!!!!!
JUDGE JENNINGS: Now stick with the case!
FANUCI: As I was saying…Unfortunately, dis was not da only incy-dent. Da nipple torcha by dat evil, poyvoited monkey was a common occoyance. It happened 6 or 7 times on a light day. Most of da time it was much mowa dan dat!! On top of that, I was toychad in other ways by Mud’s friends, most notably da Toid.
CURTIS LOWE [Mud’s lawyer]: I reject!! [Mud walks over to Fanuci, pinches his nipples, twists, then snaps his fingers]
FANUCI: AWWW!!!!!!
JUDGE JENNINGS: I cannot allow that Reverend Doctor Bishop Lowe. Control your monkey. I am in charge of this court. Bailiff!!
[THE BAILIFF, DA CRUNK STRUTS OVER TO FANUCI, PINCHES HIS NIPPLES, TWISTS, THEN SNAPS HIS FINGERS]
FANUCI: AWWW!!!!!!
CURTIS: I is sorry juge. I let Shitifa gib yo’ ass a free handjob tonite after you let Mud off.
JUDGE JENNINGS: Really? Thanks!! See you both later. Now let’s get this over with so I can get my handjob. Mr. FANUCI, you've stated that you were tortured. Can you give us an example?
FANUCI, ON WITNESS STAND: Soytenly! I was beaten; repeatedly deprived of sleep. I was foyced to wear a hood over my head, and a minicha cape on my weena… I even had a cork in my ass…sometimes for days. I was sexually humiliated.
JUDGE JENNINGS: How so?
FANUCI: I'd rather not go into it.
JUDGE JENNINGS: You're out of order. Bailiff!
[The bailiff, Da Crunk Fanuci, grabs Fanuci and holds him. A drunk Curtis staggers to Fanuci and nails Fanuci with his empty liquor bottle, shattering it on his head. Fanuci is out cold.]
JUDGE JENNINGS: Court is in recess for lunch or when this fat fuck wakes up. BAILIFF!!
DA CRUNK: Eberybody stand yo ass up fo’ da juge.
[Some time later…]FANUCI: AWWW!!!!!! Where am I?
JUDGE JENNINGS: We’ve been waiting for you to wake your fat ass up for 3 hours now. Will you answer the question on how you were sexually humiliated or shall I find you in contempt?
FANUCI: I’ll talk!! Yeah. They showa abused my ass in a sexual manner. Da poyvoits. I was foyced to lie in a fetal position, my eyes and my mout' duct taped. Da woyst part is not dat I felt it was forever.
JUDGE JENNINGS: What was the woyst,… I mean worst part?
FANUCI: I was foyced to eat “ass smoothies” every fuckin day. Dat was da Toid’s favorite dish. He even made it with cherries and whipped cream. He said it was consolation for all da ass-whippins Mud gave me. If I didn’t eat it, he would beat my ass, den foyce me to eat it and I had to tell him how good dat doo dooo jelly was. What kind of shit is dat??
JUDGE JENNINGS: I’ve heard enough. Fanuci you’re a disgrace. A total fat fucking failure. What a disgrace to the Fanuci name. Your ancestors spit upon you.
[Pam Fanuci walks up to Fanuci, slaps him and spits on him. Everybody in the courtroom laughs.]
JUDGE JENNINGS: Ha, ha, ha..ha… a haa…. Mrs. Fanuci you sure are funny. Perhaps you will let us watch you, Curtis and Da Crunk have a DP fest. Tony Fanuci. I sentence you to one whole month of indentured servitude to Mud.
FANUCI: Wait a minute!!! I was not da one on trial. It was dat fuckin' monkey.
JUDGE JENNINGS: Bailiff!! [Da Crunk runs up to Fanuci and kicks him in the nuts. Fanuci falls over in pain. Da Crunk climbs on top of the bench and nails Fanuci with the “Cut a Y”. Fanuci is out cold. Judge Jennings stands over Fanuci and gives the fallen wrestler the “Dirty Sanchez”. The Turd walks up next to the Judge and plays the trumpet. While the visibly aroused Mud, Letravis, and David Downs start humping Fanuci’s prone carcass.]
The Lib is sitting in the back of the courtroom watching in a heavy, drug induced daze through his sunglasses.
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