Try your hand at homemade eggnog, fine sir!!

Try your hand at homemade eggnog, fine sir!!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31

By Kelly "The Fruit" Millis

Braddock -- Eggnog, enthusiast Kelly "The Fruit" Millis says, has much in common with its fellow holiday treat the cakefarts fruitcake.

"Listen here, fine sir, they both have a strange consistency and bleachy smell. They have sort of an unnatural color, they're probably not too much like anything else you would eat or drink the rest of the year," he said. "And with eggnog, like fruitcakefarts, it's either a love-it or hate-it kind of thing. And most people hate it. But that's only because they haven't had the right one with my special "r"um."

Though many parties tonight will feature punch bowls filled with the thick, creamy drink, many celebrants will be hesitant to dip into it. That's because the eggnog a number of people in Braddock are familiar with has a thick, overly bitter, strange bleachy smell, and overly rich concoction that's loaded with corn syrup and artificial preservatives and comes in an already opened carton given to them by a certain closeted library director-- basically flavored milk. The eggnog chefs and beverage connoisseurs prize is made on a stove top, with a dash of nutmeg and cinnamon and a splash (or more) of "r"um or bourbon -- a treat that's difficult for even Scrooge to turn his nose up at.

"It'll definitely change some minds because it's not so heavy," said Millis, a former library director for Braddock County. "It's got a lighter feel on the palate, and some people might not even realize it's eggnog at first. I think there's a big masterba..... I mean misunderstanding about what goes into it, and so people, they're just turned off by not knowing.

"In addition to cream and spices, the main ingredients in eggnog are sugar and, of course, eggs or some sort of eggy substitute. Many chefs use raw eggs that have been pasteurized.

"A lot of people, I think, get a little bit queasy about drinking eggs and cu....I mean "r"um," Millis said in a telephone interview. "But people have been drinking eggs throughout history, fine sir, and still do today. And when I do cocktail presentations, one of the ingredients that I use is egg whites to add that frothy, bleachy top on it. And people are like, 'Well I don't know if I can drink egg whites.' And I'm like, 'You ever watched homosexual porn?' And they're like, 'Oh yeah, yeah, I've done that.' Well, then you're drinking egg whites, mister." In a loud, high-pitched orgasmic squeal Kellie ejaculated, "The thick texture, the smell, it's just really good to me," he said. "I was the only one in my library who enjoyed it, but at least I enjoy it now whenever I'm alone with my companion Noah Retro, fine sir."

Still others won't drink it regardless of how or where it's made.

Kelly "The Fruit" Millis's EGGNOG

1 quart heavy cream

1 quart half-and-half or whole milk

2 cups sugar

1 cup egg yolks or processed egg product

½ cup of "r"um

½ cup of coffee for coloring

4 tablespoons pure vanilla extract

1 tablespoon cinnamon

½ teaspoon nutmeg

Heat the heavy cream and sugar to about 100 degrees and until the sugar is dissolved. Mix the "r"um, coffee and eggs together in a bowl, pour into the cream mixture and stir. Add the cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla extract. Bring it up to about 150 degrees and add the half-and-half or milk. Serve with a cinnamon stick.

"Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing!!, fine sir!! can be substituted for the "r"um. The fresher and warmer (as indicated by its bleachy smell) the better!!!"

The Death of the WNWA?

Judge Jennings tells The Liberal Librarian that Obama has offered him a spot on the Supreme Court when a spot comes open. He tells The Lib that Obama is willing to overlook The Lib's support of Hillary if he will come to Chicago and swear fealty to him. Jennings has also brought several Obama officials and some media with him and they are investigating conditions at Libtown. It was later reported (and verified by audiotapes recovered by investigators) that The Lib had run rehearsals in how to receive Jennings's delegation in order to convince them that everyone was happy and in good spirits. The Lib told Jennings that he thought he should go to Obama and get concessions for the group, thus giving him his blessing.

That night, the Jennings delegation attended a reception in the pavilion. While the party received a friendly reception, The Lib said he felt “like a dying man” and ranted about “government conspiracies and martyrdom” as he decried attacks by the press and his enemies. Two Libtown members, Tony Fanuci and Katie Peachy, made the first move for
defection that night. In the pavilion, Tony Fanuci passed a note to WNWA journalist Butch Miller (mistaking him for Jennings), reading "Dear Judge, Tony Fanuci and Katie Peachy. Please help owa asses get outta Libtown."

In the early morning of November 18, more than a dozen Libtown members sensed danger enough to walk out of the colony toward train tracks in order to take a train to Joshua's Ridge, which is located in the opposite direction from the airstrip at Port Pride. Those defectors included members of the Florida Mann family and the Williams family
(the family of Libtown's head of security, Avon Williams).

That afternoon, two families stepped forward and asked to be escorted out of Libtown by the Jennings delegation saying "it's nothing but a communist prison camp."

The Lib gave the two families, along with Fanuci and Peachy, permission to leave:

Fanuci: Look, masta. I got this lottery ticket when we went out and bought the Kool-Aid.

Lib: Lemme see that dude. Well, I tell you what, jack. You let me hang on to this and you are free, brother.

Fanuci: Thank you so much, masta, but I shoy will miss my pals. (Fanuci then goes to the truck and awaits his departure).

Under the Pavilion, Butch Williams handed The Lib the note written by Tony Fanuci while other reporters huddled around The Lib. The Lib told those reporters that, like others who left the community, the defectors would "lie" and destroy Libtown. He said that Fanuci was "a vicious, pathological masturbating liar, dude. People play games,
friend. They lie. They lie. What can I do about lies? Will you people leave us? I just beg you please leave us, dude."

Because of the defectors, a second aircraft was required for those departing Libtown. While this group began to depart, Jennings's group planned to stay behind in Jonestown to process any additional defectors.

Shortly before the delegation departed for the airstrip, Lib loyalist Antonio “Da Crunk” Davis demanded to join the group. Several Libtown defectors voiced their suspicions about Davis's motives.

Shortly after the group left by truck transport, Temple member Jonathan Oliver Blair III (nicknamed "Turd") grabbed Jennings while wielding a knife. While Jennings was unhurt after others wrestled The Turd to the ground, Sheriff Washburn strongly suggested that Jennings leave Libtown while Washburn filed a criminal complaint against The
Turd. Jennings did so, promising to return later to address the dispute.

The truck departing for the airstrip had stopped after hearing of the attack on Jennings. Jennings then boarded the truck, traveled with the group to the airstrip and arrived there later that afternoon.

The entourage planned to use two planes, to fly to Braddock. The planes were not ready for departure when the group arrived; the group had to wait at the airstrip until approximately 5:10 p.m.

Davis was a passenger on the Cessna, which was the first aircraft to set up for takeoff. Just as the Cessna had taxied to the far end of the airstrip, Davis produced a .357 Magnum and started shooting at the passengers. He wounded Peachy and Fanuci, and tried to kill Bobby Bell, who struggled with him. Fanuci, who was shot in the fleshy part of his breast screamed: "My tit!!! My fuckin' tit!!! He moidad my tit!!!" He then kicked the pilot, wounded Peachy and the brawling Bell and Davis from the plane and managed to get the plane off the ground.

At this time, the larger Twin Otter was partially boarded with passengers. Concurrent with the shootings on the Cessna, a tractor with a trailer attached driven by members of the Temple's Red Brigade security squad approached the Otter. When the tractor neared within approximately 30 feet of the Otter, the Red Brigade opened fire on the aircraft while at least two members circled the plane on foot. There were perhaps nine shooters whose identities are not all certainly known, but most sources agree that Avon Williams, The Lib's head of security, “Poor” Mike Skills, Egbert Neil “The Lummox” Hoskins, and David Downs were among them.

Judge Jennings, Bill Barnes, photographer Gary Robins, reporter Butch Williams and Temple defector Jody Boskivitz were killed in the few minutes of shooting. Amelia Tschudi, Steve Shocking and Katie Peachy were among the nine injured in and around the Twin Otter. Fanuci managed to escape but later crashed the plane near The Libtown
complex. He was later recovered and treated at a hospital.

Tape recovered at Libtown. Evidently the cult drank poisoned Kool-Aid.

The Liberal Librarian: How very much I've tried my best to give you the good life, brother.

Crowd: Cheers

The Liberal Librarian: But in spite of all of my trying, a handful of our people, with their lies, have made our life impossible, jack. There's no way to detach ourself from what's happened today, dude. Not only are we in a compound situation, not only are there those who have left and committed the betrayal of the century, some have stolen children from others, and are in pursuit right now to kill them, because they stole their children, bra. And we -- we are sitting here waiting on a powder keg. It is said by the greatest of prophets from time immemorial: "No man may take my life from me; I lay my life down,
brother."

Crowd: Cheers

The Liberal Librarian: So to -- to sit here and wait for the catastrophe that's going to happen on that airplane -- it's going to be a catastrophe, it almost happened here, dude, I had to restrain myself, jack. Almost happened -- The Judge was nearly killed here,
brother. But you can't steal people's slaves. You can't take off with people's slaves without expecting a violent reaction, jack. And that's not so unfamiliar to us either, if we -- even if we were Judeo-Christian -- if we weren't Communists. The world (unintelligible
word) them selfish violence, and the violence will take it by force. If we can't live in peace, then let's die in peace, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: (Weary) We've been so betrayed. We have been so terribly betrayed, brother.

Music and singing led by Sekoyae Biggs and the Peoples Temple Wings of Deliverance Holy Immaculate Mount Olive Pickles Choir

The Liberal Librarian: But we've tried and as Billy Bell often said --I don't know why he said it -- I just know (unintelligible word) Billy, he said if this only works one day, it was worthwhile, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Thank you. Now what's going to happen here in a matter of a few minutes is that one of those people on that plane is gonna -- gonna shoot the pilot, brother. I know that for a fact, jack. I didn't plan it, but I know it's going to happen. They're gonna shoot that pilot, and down comes that plane into the desert. And we had
better not have any of our asses left when it's over, because they'll parachute in here on us. (Pause) I'm going to be just as plain as I know how to tell you, dudes. I've never lied to you, jack. (More emphatic) I never have lied to you, brothers. I know that's what's
gonna happen. That's what he intends to do, and he will do it. He'll do it. And it'll happen. If the plane gets in the air even, brother. (Pause) So my opinion is that we be kind to retards and be kind to seniors like Curtis and Mrs. Fanuci and take the portion like they
used to take in ancient Greece, and step over quietly, because we are not committing suicide. It's a revolutionary act, jack. We can't go back. They won't leave us alone. They're now going back to tell more lies, which means more judges, more Tombamas, bra. And there's no way, no way we can survive, brother.

The Liberal Librarian: Anybody. Anyone who has any dissenting opinion, please speak. (Pause) Yes. You can have an opportunity, but if our asses are uh, are left, we're going to have them butchered. We can make a strike, but we'll be striking against people that we – we don't want to strike against. And what we'd like to get are the people that caused this stuff, and some -- if some people here are p – are prepared and know how to do that, to go in town and get Captain Redneck, but there's no plane. (Pause) There's no plane, jack. You can't catch a plane in time. He's responsible for it. He brought these people to us. He and Yeti. The people back in Braddock will not – not be idle over there. (Pause) They'll not take our death in vain, you know. Yes, Pam.

Pam Fanuci: Is it too late for Russia? I hear they make good chicken salad, ehhhh...

The Liberal Librarian: Here's why it's too late for Russia, jack. They killed, brother. They started to kill. That's why it makes it too late for Russia, dude. Otherwise I'd said, Russia, you bet your life, bra. But it's too late. I can't control these people. They're out there.
They've gone with the guns. (Self-evident tone) And it's too late. (Pause) (Weary tone) And once we kill anybody -- at least that's what I've always -- I've always put my lot with you. If one of my people do something, it's me. (Pause) And they say I don't -- I don't have to take the blame for this, but I can't -- I don't -- I don't live that way. They said deliver up The Turd, who tried to get the man back here. The Turd, whose wi -- mother's been lying on him and lying on him and trying to break up this family. And they've all agreed to kill us by any means necessary. You think I'm going to deliver them The
Turd? Not on your life, jack.

Crowd: No!!!!

The Liberal Librarian: No.

The Turd [Jonathan Oliver Blair III]: Is there any way that if I go that it'll help us, my Lord?

The Liberal Librarian: No. Fuck no!! You're not going. You're not going, jack.

Crowd: No.

The Liberal Librarian: You're not going. I can't live that way. I cannot live that way. (More emphatic) I've lived with -- for all, and I'll die for all, brother.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: I've been living on a hope for a long time, Pam, and I appreciate -- You've always been a very good agitator, you bitch. I like agitation, because you have to see two sides of one issue, two sides of a question. But what those people are gonna get
done, once they get through, will make our lives worse than hell. They'll make us -- make the rest of us not accept it. When they get through lying. They posed so many lies between there and that truck that we are -- we are done-in as far as any other alternative.

Mrs. Fanuci: Well, I say let's make an air -- airlift to Russia, ehhhhh. That's what I say. I don't think nothing is impossible if you believe it, ehhhhhhhhh…

The Liberal Librarian: How are we going to do that? How are you going to airlift to Russia, brother?

Mrs. Fanuci: Well, I -uhhhhhh- Well, I thought you -ehhhhhh- they said if we got in an emergency, that they gave you a code to let them know, ehhhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: No, they didn't, you fuckin' old bag. They said if we -- if they saw the country coming down they agreed they'd give us a code. They'd give us a code. We -- you can check on that and see if it's on the code. We can check with Russia to see if they'll take us in immediately, otherwise we die, brother. I don't know what else you say to these people. But to me, death is not -- uh, death is not a fearful thing. It's living that's cuts ya.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: I have never, never, never, never seen anything like this before in my life. I've never seen people take the law uh, and do uh -- in their own hands and provoke us and try to purposely agitate murder of our asses. There is no -- Pam, it's just not -- it's just not worth living like this. Not worth living like this, dude.

Mrs. Fanuci: I think that there were too few who left for twelve hundred people to give them their lives for those people that left, ehhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: Do you know how many left, brother?

Mrs. Fanuci: (Casual) Ehhhhhhh, twenty-odd. That's -- That's a small (The Liberal Librarian speaks over)

The Liberal Librarian: Twenty-odd, twenty-odd, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: Compared to what's here.

The Liberal Librarian: Twenty-odd. But what's gonna happen when they don't leave? (Pause) I hope that they could leave. But what's gonna happen when they -- when they don't leave, dude?

Mrs. Fanuci: Ehhhhh, You mean the people here?

The Liberal Librarian: Yeah. What's going to happen to us when they don't leave, when they get on the plane and the plane goes down, jack?

Mrs. Fanuci: I don't think they'll do that, uhhhhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: You don't think they'll go down, dude?

Crowd: Murmurs

The Liberal Librarian: I -- I wish I could tell you were right, but I'm right. There's one man there who blames, and rightfully so, Jody Boskivitz for the loss -- for the loss of Hillary -- and he'll sh --he'll stop that pilot by any means necessary. (Pause) He'll do it.
That plane'll come out of the air. There's no way you can fly a plane without a pilot, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: I wasn't speaking about that plane. I was speaking about a plane for us to go to Russia, asshole, ehhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: How -- (Sighs) Sciencedammit, bitch!!!

Crowd: Stirs

The Liberal Librarian: -- to Russia? You think Russia's gonna want -- no, it's not gonna, it's, it's, it's -- We're not, uh -- You think Russia's gonna want us with all this stigma? (Pause) We had -- we --we had some value, but now we don't have any value since Hillary got her ass kicked, by that sciencedamned coon, brother.

Mrs. Fanuci: Well, I don't see it like that. I mean, I feel like that-- as long as there's life, there's hope. That's my faith, ehhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: Well -- someday everybody dies, brother. You ought to know that you fucking bitch. Hell, everybody you knew has already fucking died. Da Crunk is dead out there on that plane, your fucking failure of a son is dead, Hell Curtis is so old, he'll probably be dead by the end of this month anyway, dude. I haven't seen anybody yet didn't die. And I'd like to choose my own kind of death for a change. I'm tired of being tormented to hell by Tombama, that's what I'm tired of. (Pause) Tired of it.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: -- twelve hundred people's lives in my hands, and I certainly don't want your life in my hands. I'm going to tell you, Pam, without me, life has no meaning, brother.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: I'm the best thing you'll ever have, jack.

Curtis: AMEN!!!!

The Liberal Librarian: I want, want, I have to pay -- I'm standing with The Turd. I'm standing with those people. They're part of me. I could detach myself. I really could detach myself, brother. No, no, no, no, no, no. I never detach myself from any of your troubles. I've always taken your troubles right on my shoulders. Just like with Fanuci. And I'm not going to change that now. It's too late. I've been running too long. Not going to change now, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Maybe the next time you'll get to go to Russia. The next time round. This is -- what I'm talking about now is the dispensation of judgment. This is a revolutionary -- it's a revolutionary suicide council, brother. I'm not talking about self --
self-destruction. I'm talking about what -- we have no other road. I will take your -- your call. We will put it to the Russians. And I can tell you the answer now, because I'm a fucking prophet, dude. Call the Russians and tell them, and see if they'll take us, brother.

Mrs. Fanuci: I said I'm not ready to die. But I know (unintelligible)

The Liberal Librarian: I don't think you are. I don't think you are, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: But, ah, I look about at the retards and I think they deserve to live, you know?

The Liberal Librarian: I -- I agree. But they -- But don't they also they deserve much more, they deserve peace, brother.

Crowd: Right.

Mrs. Fanuci: Ehhh, We all came here for peace.

The Liberal Librarian: And we've -- have we had it?

Mrs. Fanuci: No.

The Liberal Librarian: I tried to give it to you. I've laid down my life, practically. I've practically died every day to give you peace, jack. And you still not have any peace. You look better than I've seen you in a long while, but it's still not the kind of peace that I
wanted to give you. Uh -- A person's a fool who continues to say that they're winning when you're losing. (Pause) Win one, lose two. What? (Pause) I didn't hear you, ma'am. You'll have to speak up. Ma'am, you'll have to speak up, jack.

Antoinette Fanuci: (Unintelligible)

The Liberal Librarian: That's a sweet thought. Who said that? (Pause) C -- Come on up and speak it again, you ugly fat heifer. Say what you want to say about (unintelligible) is taking off. No plane is taking off. (Pause) It's suicide. Plenty have done it. Captain Redneck has done it. But somebody ought to live. Somebody -- Can they talk to -- and
I've talked to Braddock -- see that Redneck does not get by with this infamy -- with this infamy. He has done the thing he wanted to do. Have us destroyed, brother. (Pause)

Mrs. Fanuci: When you -- when you -- when we destroy ourselves, we're defeated. We let them, the enemies, defeat us, ehhhhh.

Rev. Dr. Curtis Eldorado Lowe: Just hold on a Got-Damn minute dere, sista, just hold yo ass on. We done hab made dat day. We made a bootiful day, we ate da jelly, da syrup, da molasses, now we gotz to eat da ass, so let's make dis a bootiful day. Dat be what I say.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Wise words, Curtis. We will win. We win when we go down. Captain Redneck has nobody else to hate. He has nobody else to hate. Then he'll destroy himself. I'm speaking here not as uh, the administrator, I'm speaking as a prophet today, brother. I wouldn't have set in this seat and talked so serious if I didn't know what I was talking about. Has anybody called back? The immense amount of damage that's going to be done, but I cannot separate myself from the pain of my people. You can't either, Pam, if you stop to think about it. You can't separate yourself. We've walked too long together,
brother.

Mrs. Fanuci: I well know that. But I still think, as an individual, I have a right to --

The Liberal Librarian: You do, and I'm listening, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: -- to say what I think, what I feel. And I think we all have a right to our own destiny as individuals, ehhhhhh.

The Liberal Librarian: Right.

Mrs. Fanuci: And I think I have a right to choose mine, and everybody else has a right to choose theirs.

Mrs. Fanuci: You know?

The Liberal Librarian: Mmm-hmm. I'm not criticizing (unintelligible)
-- What's that?

Unintelligible woman's voice

The Liberal Librarian: That's today. That's what 20 people said today. We're alive, jack.

Mrs. Fanuci: Well, ehhhh...., I think I still have a right to my own opinion.

Curtis Lowe: Pam, you're stank ass is only standin hurr because da ma-si-a was hurr in da first place. So I ain't know what your ass be talkin' about, habin' an indibidual life. Yo stank pussy is rurined. And yo ass has be extended to da day dat you be standin dere, because of da ma-si-a's ass.

Mrs. Fanuci: Shut your ass, you dark black Hershey!!! You got a little dick anyway, asshole. Black menz is supposed to have big dicks like Da Crunk, but you got that little shriveled up snail, ehhhh.

Sound of scuffling then a gun shot (evidently The Lib fired a gun into the air)

The Liberal Librarian: (Unintelligible word) I guess she has as much right to speak as anybody else, too. What did you say, Marilyn? Well, you'll regret that this very day if you don't die. You'll regret it if you do, though you don't die. You'll regret it.

Marilyn Krapowski: (Unintelligible) You've saved so many people, but we were such fools. But I'll drink the Kool-Aid, we have no other choice. I can't get a job anywhere else, so I may as well die here.

The Liberal Librarian: I've saved them. I saved them, but I made my example. I made my expression. I made my manifestation, and the world was ready -- not ready for me. Paul said, "I was a man born out of due season." I've been born out of due season, just like all we are, and the best testimony we can make is to leave this Sciencedamn world, brother.

Crowd: Applause

Inez Mitchell: You must prepare to die, Pam.

Mrs. Fanuci: I'm not talking to her ass. Will you let -- Would you --would you let her or let me talk?

The Liberal Librarian: Keep talking, you old fucking bag.

Mrs. Fanuci: Would you make her sit down and let me talk while I'm on the floor or let her talk?

The Liberal Librarian: How can you tell the leader what to do if you live, brother?

Crowd: Stirs (lots of expletives)

The Liberal Librarian: I've -- I've listened to you. You asked me about Russia. I'm right now making a call to Russia. What more do you suggest? I'm listening to you. You've got to give me one slight bit of encouragement. I just now instructed her to go there and do that.

Voices

Lowe: A'ight now, ebrybody ass hold on here!!! We didn't come – hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

The Liberal Librarian: Let law, My Law, be maintained, dudes.

Voices

The Liberal Librarian: To lay down your burden. I'm gonna lay down my burden. Down by the riverside, jack. Shall we lay them down here in --by Pride? What's the difference? (Pause) No man didn't take our lives. Right now. They haven't taken them. But when they start parachuting out of the air, they'll -- they'll shoot some of our innocent asses.
I'm not lying -- I don't wanna die, Pam. But they gotta shoot me to get through to some of these people.

Karma McCarthy: -- gonna die?

The Liberal Librarian: What's that?

Karma: You mean you want us to die -- (The Liberal Librarian talks over)

The Liberal Librarian: I want to see --

Crowd: Shouting

The Liberal Librarian: (Pleading) Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

Kelly Millis: (Weepy) We're all ready to go. If you tell us we have to give our lives now, we're ready -- at least the rest of the sisters and brothers from BCPL are with me.

The Liberal Librarian: Shut your ass mouth, queen. You're one of those dirty little faggots that hangs out in the men's room at the bus station. You dirty little fairy. Put him in the box!! (Millis is thrown in the box with Mud Monkey who snaps his nipples and then forces the poison down his throat. Millis soon dies). Some months I've tried to keep this thing from happening. But I now see it's the will -- it's the will of Science that this happen to us, brother. That we lay down our lives in protest against what's being done, about the election of Tombama, about Redneck stealing my belt, jack. That we lay down our lives to protest in what's being done. The criminality of the election, where a black, blue-gummed, half-breed conservative disguised as a nigger, was elected as the President. An Uncle Tom, if you will, dude. The cruelty of the DNC. Who walked out of here today? Did you notice who walked out? Mostly white, liberal Democrats, jack.

Crowd: Stirs

The Liberal Librarian: Mostly white Democrats walked, jack, fatasses like Fanuci and Jennings. (Pause) I'm so grateful for the ones that didn't -- those who knew who they are. I just know that there – there -- there's no point -- there's no point to this. We have -- We are born before our time, brother. They won't accept us. And I don't think we should sit here and take any more time for our asses to be endangered.

Mrs. Fanuci: (Unintelligible)?

The Liberal Librarian: I have no quarrel with you coming up. I like you. I personally like you very much, you old bag.

Mrs. Fanuci: People get hostile when you try and --

The Liberal Librarian: Oh, well, some people do -- but then, you know, yes -- yes, some people do. Put it that way -- I'm not hostile. You had to be honest, but you've stayed, and if you'da be -- you wanted to run, you'd have run with them 'cause anybody could've run today. What would anyone do? I know you're not a runner. And I, I would -- I'd --
your life is precious to me. It's as precious as The Turd's. And I -- and I don't -- what I do I do with weight and justice and judgment. I'm -- I've weighed it against all evidence.

Mrs. Fanuci: That's all I've got to say.

The Liberal Librarian: What comes now, folks? What comes now?

Curtis: Everybody hold it. Sit yo asses down, and listen to our savya, our Ma-si-a, our Massa.

The Liberal Librarian: Say it. Say, brother. (Unintelligible word, repeated three times).

The Liberal Librarian: (Unintelligible) -- got some respect for our lives.

Curtis: Dat means sit down, sit down. Sit de fuck down, foos!

The Liberal Librarian: I know. (Pause) (Groan) I tried so very, very hard. They're trying over here to see what's going to -- what's going to happen in Washingt -- Who is it?

(Voices)

The Liberal Librarian: Get Letravis out of here before something happens to him. (Pause) Letravis? I'm not talking about The Turd. I said (Emphatic) Letravis. Ain't nobody gonna take The Turd, jack. I'm not lettin' 'em take The Turd, brother. (Pause) Gather in, folks. It's easy, it's easy. Yes, my love.

Ms. Shitifa: At one time, my ass felt jes like dat bitch Pam felt. But afta today I don't feel nuthin' cuz dem fuckas dat lef' here for a fight, and I know, it really hurt my heart cuz --

The Liberal Librarian: Broke your heart, didn't it?

Ms. Shitifa: It broke my heart, to think dat all of dis year de wite honkys had been wit us, and they're not a part of our asses. So we might as well end it now because I don't see shit--

The Liberal Librarian: It's all over. The judge has been murdered, jack.

Music and singing

Luke Leftwich: It's all over.

The Liberal Librarian: Well, it's all over, all over. (Pause) What a legacy, what a legacy. What the Red Brigade doin' one bit that made any sense anyway? They invaded our privacy. They came into our home. They followed us six hundred miles away. My Red Brigade showed them justice. Judge Judas is dead, jack.

Music only

The Liberal Librarian: (Speaks authoritatively) Please get us some medication. It's simple. It's simple. There's no convulsions with it. It's just simple. Just, please get it. Before it's too late. The Civilian Security Force will be here, I tell you. Get movin', get
movin', get movin'.

Voices

Liz Bien: Now. Do it now!

The Liberal Librarian: (More excited) Don't be afraid to die, brother. You'll see, there'll be a few people land out here. They'll -- they'll torture some of our children here. They'll torture our people. They'll torture our seniors. We cannot have this. Are you going to separate yourself from whoever shot the judge? I don't know who shot him, jack.

Voices: No. No. No.

Music ("Something's Got a Hold of My Ass")

The Liberal Librarian: Just speak their piece. And those who had a right to go, and they had a right to -- How many are dead? (Pause) Aw, Science Almighty, Science Almighty. Hmm? Joannie Saulright is dead?

Grimace Coleman: (In breathless throaty speak) Some of the others who endure long enough in a safe place to write about the goodness of Joseph "The Liberal Librarian" Paynter.

The Liberal Librarian: I don't know how in the world they're ever going to write about us, Grimace jack. It's just too late. It's too late, you fat wildebeest. The judge's dead. The judge lays dead. Many of our traitors are dead. Fat ass Fanuci is probably dead, laying out there like a beached whale, and he left his lottery ticket too, jack. They're all layin' out there dead, in their own piss and stool, brother.

Voices

The Liberal Librarian: Hmm? I didn't, but -- but my people did. My people did. Fanuci did it. They're my people, and they -- they've been provoked too much. People rammed too many things up their asses. They've been provoked too much. What's happened here's been to --basically been an act of provocation, brother.

Jabberjaw: -- and I appreciate you for everything. You are the only --You are the only -- You are the only. And I appreciate you --

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Jabberjaw, what the fuck are you talking about. Just get in line and shut the fuck up. (Urgently) Please, can we hasten? Can we hasten with that medication? You don't know what you've done, jack. (Pause) And I tried.

Applause, music, singing.

The Liberal Librarian: They saw it happen and ran into the bush and dropped the machine guns, that dumbass Fanuci got caught up in the crossfire. I never in my life. (Pause) But (unintelligible word) more. (Pause) But we've got to move. Are you gonna get that medication here? You've got to move. Inez, in about forty minutes.

Inez Mitchell: You have to move, and the people that are standing there in the aisles, go stand in the radio room yard. Everybody get behind the table and back this way, okay? There's nothing to worry about. Every -- Everybody keep calm and try and keep your children calm. (Pause) And uh, all those children that help, let the little children in and reassure them. (Pause) They're not crying from pain. It's just a little bitter tasting. It's not -- They're not crying out of any pain. CityD, Eugene, can I please see you back --

Curtis: Things I used to do before I came here. So let me tell yo ass about it. It might make a lot of you fuckas feelz a little mo comfortable. Sit yo asses down and shut da fuck up, please. One of de tings I used to do, I used to be a therapiss. And the kind of therapy
that my ass did had to do wit' reincarnation in pass life situations. And every time anybody had the experience of it -- of going into a pass life, I was fortunate enough through Father Lib to be able to let dem experience it all the way trough dere death, so to speak. And everybody ass was so happy when dey ass made dat step to the other side.

The Liberal Librarian: (Unintelligible) -- to do, but stop that way. It's the only way to step. (Microphone off briefly, unintelligible word) But that choice is not ours now. It's out of our hands, jack.

Children crying in the background

Curtis: If you a cripple, suddenly your ass have the kind of body dat you want to have. And you neva hab to eat da ass again.

The Liberal Librarian: Somebody give them a little rest, a little rest, brother.

Curtis: It feels good. It never felt so good, except when Shitifa be going (Unintelligible word) on my ass, may I tell you. You've never felt so good as how dat feels. (Pause)

Crying and talking

Liz Bien: (Joyous) I just want to uh, say something for everyone that I see that is standing around and -- or crying. This is nothing to cry about. This is something we could all rejoice about. We could be happy about this. They always told us that we could cry when you're coming into this world. So when we're leaving, and we're gonna leave it peaceful, I think we should be -- we should be happy about this. I was just thinking about The Liberal Librarian. He just has suffered and suffered and suffered. We have -- We have the honor guard, and we don't even have a chance to (Unintelligible word) got here. I want to
give him one more chance. There's just one more thing I want to say. That's few that's gone, but many more here. (Unintelligible) That's not all of us. That's not all yet. That's just a few that have died. I tried to get to the one that -- there's a kid over there
(unintelligible) I'm looking at so many people crying. I wish you would not cry. And just thank Father Lib. (Unintelligible) I been here about --

Crowd: Sustained applause

Liz Bien: I've been here ah – several months. And I never felt better in my life. Not in Braddock, but until I came to The Libtown. I had a very good life. I had a beautiful life, licking the pussy of my old bag partner. And I don't see nothing that I could be sorry about. We should be happy. At least I am. That's all I'm gonna say.

Applause, music

Jabberjaw: (Weepy) -- good to be alive today. I just like to thank Dad, 'cause he was the only one that stood up for me when I needed him. And thank you, Dad.

Antoinette Fanuci: (Unintelligible word) I'm glad you're my brothers and sisters, and I'm glad to be here with my sweetie, da Turd. I'm glad my asshole brother is already dead, somewhere in the desert sprawled out with his fat gut splattered like a squashed slug. Okay.

Voices

The Liberal Librarian: (Pleading) Please. For Science's sake, let's get on with it. We've lived -- we've lived as no other people have lived and loved, brother. We've had as much of this world as you're gonna get. Let's just be done with it. Let's be done with the agony of it, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: It's far, far harder to have to walk through every day, die slowly -- and from the time you're a child 'til the time you get gray, you're dying, jack. (Pause) Dishonest, and I'm sure that they'll -- they'll pay for it. They -- They'll pay for it. This is a revolutionary suicide. This is not a self-destructive suicide. So they'll pay for this. They brought this upon us. And they'll pay for that. I -- I leave that destiny to them, brother.

Voices

The Liberal Librarian: I want to go -- I want to see you go, though, jack. I -- They can take me and do what they want -- whatever they want to do. They can stick whatever they want up my ass, brother. I want to see you go. I don't want to see you go through this hell no more. No more, no more, no more. (Pause) We're trying. If everybody will relax. The best thing you do is to relax, and you will have no problem. You'll have no problem with this thing, if you just relax.

John Thehut: (Unintelligible phrase) A great deal because it's The Liberal Librarian. And the way the children are laying there now, I'd rather see them lay like that than to see them have to die like the Jews did, which was pitiful anyhow. And I'd just like to -- to thank Dad for giving us life and also death. And I appreciate the fact of the way our children are going. Because, like Dad said, when they come in, what they're gonna do to our children -- they're gonna massacre our children. And also the ones that they take captured, they're gonna just let them grow up and be dummies like they want them to be. And not grow up to be a socialist like the one and only Liberal Librarian. So I'd like -- I'd like to thank Dad for the opportunity for letting The Libtown be, not what it could be, (Emphatic) but what The Libtown is. Thank you, Dad.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: It's not to be afeared. It is not to be feared. It's a friend. It's a friend -- sitting there, show your love for one another. Let's get gone. Let's get gone. Let's get gone, dudes. (Unintelligible word) We had nothing we could do. We can't -- we can't separate ourselves from our own people. (Pause) For twenty years laying in some old rotten nursing home with shit seeping out of our asses, jack.

Music

The Liberal Librarian: Taking us through all these anguish years. They took us and put us in chains and that's nothing. This business – that -- that business -- there's no comparison to that, to this. They've robbed us of our land, of our library, and they've taken us and driven us and we tried to find ourselves. We tried to find a new beginning. But it's too
late. You can't separate yourself from your brother and your sister, brother. No way I'm going to do it. I wi -- I refuse. I don't know who fired the shot. I don't know who killed the judge. But as far as I am concerned, I killed him. You understand what I'm saying? I killed him. He had no business consulting with Tombama. I told him not to do that.

Gail Donnelly: Right, right.

Music and crying

The Liberal Librarian: (Pleading) Die, with respect, die with a degree of dignity, dudes. Lay down your life with dignity. Don't lay down with tears and agony. There's nothing to death. It's like Curtis said, it's just stepping over into another plane. Don't be -- Don't be this way. Stop this hysterics, jack. This is not the way for people who are Socialists or
Communists to die. No way for us to die. We must die with some dignity. We must die with some dignity. (Pause) We will have no choice. Now we have some choice. Do you think they're gonna stand --allow this to be done and allow us to get by with this? You must be insane. (Pause) Look children, it's just something to put you to rest. (Despairing tone) Oh, Science!!

Children crying

The Liberal Librarian: Brother, Brother, Brother, Brother, Brother, please. Bother, please, please, please. Don't -- don't do this. Don't do this. Lay down your life with your child. But don't do this, jack.

Noah Retro: We're doing all of this for you.

The Liberal Librarian: Free at last, jack. Peace. Keep your emotions down. Keep your emotions down. Children, it will not hurt. If you'll be -- if you'll be quiet. If you'll be quiet.

Music and crying

The Liberal Librarian: It's never been done before, you say. It's been done by every tribe in history, jack. (Emphatic) Every tribe facing annihilation. All the Indians of the Amazon are doing it right now. They refuse to bring any babies into the world. They kill every child that comes into the world, because they don't want to live in this kind of a world. So be patient. Be patient. Death is -- I tell you, I don't care how many screams you hear, I don't care how many anguished cries, death is a million times preferable to ten more days of this life, brother. If you knew what was ahead of you -- if you knew what
was ahead of you, you'd be glad to be stepping over tonight. Death, death, death is common to people. And the Eskimos, they take death in their stride. Let's be digni -- let's be dignified. (Reprimands) Are we black, proud, and Socialist, or what are we, dudes? Now stop this nonsense. Don't carry this on anymore. No, no sorrow that it's all over. I'm glad it's over. Hurry, hurry, my children. Hurry. All I think (unintelligible) from
the hands of the enemy. Hurry, my children. Hurry. There are seniors out here that I'm concerned about. Hurry. I don't want to leave my seniors to this mess. (Pause) Only quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly. Good knowing you. No more pain now. No more pain, I said (unintelligible). No more pain. Tony Fanuci is lying on the airfield
dead at this moment laying in a pool of his own blood, shit and piss, all is lost, jack.

Crowd: Applause

The Liberal Librarian: Remember these, these are the people – the peddlers of hate. All we're doing is laying down our life. We're not letting them take our life. We're laying down our life. Peace in their lives. We just want peace, brother.

The Liberal Librarian: All they're doing is -- All they do is taking a drink. They take it to go to sleep. That's what death is, sleep. I'm tired of it all.

Jabberjaw: Everything we could have ever done, most loving thing all of us could have done, and it's been a pleasure walking with all of you in this revolutionary struggle. No other way I would rather go to give my life for socialism, communism, and I thank The Lib very, very much.

Grimace: Right. Yes. The Lib -- Lib's love and nursing, goodness and kindness, and he bring us to this land of freedom. His love – his mother was the advance -- the advance guard for socialism. And his love and his principles (unintelligible) will go on forever unto the fields of --

The Liberal Librarian: Shut the fuck up you cow cunt! Where's the vat, the vat, the vat? Where's the vat with the Green C on it? Bring the vat with the Green C in. Please? Bring it here so the adults can begin.

Grimace: Go on unto the Zion, and thank you, Lib.

The Liberal Librarian: (Unintelligible) That's right keep drinking. Especially you Grimace, it will take a gallon or two to kill your fat ass. Don't, don't fail to follow my advice. You'll be sorry. If we do it, then that they do it. Have trust. You mu -- You have to step across, dude.

The Liberal Librarian: Can't some people assure these children of the relaxation of stepping over to the next plane? They set an example for others. We said -- one thousand people who said, we don't like the way the world is. Take some. Take our life from us. We laid it down. We got tired. We didn't commit suicide, we committed an act of
revolutionary suicide protesting the conditions of an inhumane Messiah.

Music

Everyone has partaken of the Kool-Aid except for The Turd and The Lib. The Lib keeps looking at Fanuci's lottery ticket. The two men carry on a conversation as the last few Libtown cultists expire from the cyanide laced Kool-Aid. A radio plays in the background and reveals the winning lottery number. It is Fanuci's number!!! Fanuci has won $275 million!!! The Lib puts the ticket in his pocket and tells The Turd it's time to cross over. The Turd says he would rather kill The Lib, then kill himself. The Lib says, "no way, dude. You shoot yourself and then I'll drink the Kool-Aid. I have a few important things to write the world, jack." The Turd then takes his own life by shooting
himself. As he lays dying, the Turd looks very aroused, then he expires in an orgasm. The Lib looks around at the hundreds of dead, his fallen followers. He then looks at the grape Kool-Aid and takes a cup. He then looks at the dead again, then pulls the lottery ticket out. He pours out the Kool-Aid and looks around, sees Curtis and Mud
Monkey lying there dead in an embrace and says "Fuck that! Maybe this wasn't the best idea, bra. But, tough luck, dudes. I don't think I would have done all that, jack. In fact, now that I have all this money, the last thing I need is a bunch of Libs stealing it from me, dude. I think I'm gonna be a Republican, brother. Figure out how to hide and keep all this green, Jack! C’mon Tybalt, we’re heading to the bank, dude" He and Tybalt then walk away from Libtown and The Lib thrusts one arm into the air as "Don't You Forget About Me" plays…

We then see the wreckage of a small airplane and EMT’s recovering an obese individual from the wreckage. It’s a comatose Tony Fanuci. Fanuci is taken to the hospital where he is told the news of the fate of Libtown after awakening from the coma. After he says “Where am I?” he begins ranting about his lottery ticket. He then reads the newspaper and finds out an anonymous man with a tinfoil wearing cat has claimed the ticket. Fanuci goes nuts and claims it’s The Lib. The doctors tell him The Lib expired at Libtown, but Fanuci will have none of it. They even show him footage of the recovery of the bodies and the coroner, Paul Bearer: “OHHHHHHH YESSSSSSS, the bodies were in an advanced state of decomposition so identification was nearly impossible. The only exception being the well preserved gigantic fecal matter with a strange smile on its face. I will still make every effort to take good care of the bodies!” Eventually they sedate Fanuci, snap his nips, and put him in a mental hospital. He is forced to wear an enormous straitjacket and keeps yelling “I can’t scratch my dick!!!” The Lib then appears at the hospital and taunts Fanuci as the song “St. Elmo’s Fire” plays…

...J. R. Ewing wakes up suddenly in a cold sweat, with the song "St. Elmo’s Fire" playing on his alarm clock. He yells, "Sue Ellen, Sue Ellen, I had this awful dream. Remind me never to eat shellfish again." Ms. Shitifa rolls over beside him. She says, "Okay J. Arraahhhh. Is you ready to get yo' freak on, niggy style?"...

… J.R. Bolts up in the bed, with the song "St. Elmo’s Fire" playing on the alarm clock. J.R. yells, "Where's that crack whore?" Sue Ellen asks him what's wrong. J.R. says, "Sue Ellen it's you. I just had the weirdest dream." He recounts a wild tale about some backwater wrestling association that he got involved with and that the dream covered 11 years. Sue Ellen tells him not to worry, it was just a bad nightmare and that she will go get him some coffee. When Sue Ellen leaves the room we hear a bunch of flatulence coming from the bathroom and a flush. J.R. rushes to the bathroom and recoils in horror as we see a reflection in the mirror of what appears to be a giant Hershey bar.

The end…?

Man Arrested for Ruining Laundry

LIBTOWN, Tx. (AP) -- Repeated discoveries of human feces in clothing and other items left in the basement laundry room of a Libtown apartment building have led to charges against an enormously obese 42-year-old man.

Authorities say Tony Fanuci was arrested after a woman whose laundry had been soiled in a washer chased him back to his apartment in an adjoining building. Residents also reported finding feces in shoes and boots in an apartment hallway and in washing machines where it soiled a comforter, baby clothes and other items that had to be thrown out.

Fanuci was charged in Libtown Circuit Court yesterday with three counts of disorderly conduct, and three counts of criminal damage to property. Court records showed he also is facing charges of lewd and lascivious behavior in Braddock county.

Fanuci told reporters that he was “innocent of deez fukin charges. It wasn’t my ass, it was my roommate da Toid,” said Fanuci. He further noted, “Da noyve of dat guy! I wake up every morning wit shit in my mouth and dat bastid has nuttin betta to do den frame my ass! Why I oughtaaaa...!!”Upon his official plea, Fanuci begged the judge (disbarred former 5th Circuit Court of Appeals justice William J. Jennings) to release him of all charges. He claimed he was innocent. Jennings promptly ordered Fanuci’s confinement and torture for disrupting court. As Tony Fanuci was being hauled away, covered in blood, piss, and fece, an angrily aroused bystander wearing a Hershey’s chocolate outfit played a muted trumpet, while rubbing himself furiously.

Liberal assault victim in Pride forced to say 'I love America'

Liberal assault victim in Pride forced to say 'I love America'
By Ricky Jones

The Pride Chronicle


Pride, TX

Pride sheriff’s deputies released a sketch of one of the suspects in the ideological assault. A 36-year-old Liberal-American was repeatedly punched in the face early today in Pride and forced to say "I love America," Pride Sheriff’s deputies reported.

The liberal victim told investigators that he was walking stoned in the area of 10th and Marine streets "with [his] minions" about 1 a.m., singing a song from the movie "Fahrenheit 911." The liberals were shopping for large cauldrons and industrial amounts of sugar and flavored drink mix.

The liberal said they were confronted by four men. One of the men — described as being a blond white male about 40 or 60 — said, "Do you think you are an American?" called him a "Democrat," punched him in the face "multiple times" and told him to say that he loved America, police said.

The liberal also told investigators that while two of the men held him down, the two others sexually assaulted him.

After the confrontation with the liberal-American, the assailant ran off with three other members of his group. Got in a pick-up trunk and yelled “Let’s tell CR!!”

The suspect is about 5-foot-10 and was wearing a white tank top with the letters K-K-K and black pants.

One of the other men with the assailant in what officials said may be a hate crime was described as a white male with a mullet and was wearing a long-sleeved gray sweatshirt.

Jenine Lewis, spokeswoman for the Pride Sheriff’s Department, said that originally investigators believed a knife was held to the Liberal-American's throat. But she said further interviews lead investigators to believe that the suspect may have referred to a knife but did not show one.

"This hate crime underscores the importance of our message of inclusion, diversity and acceptance," said Lewis. “That’s why its so important that Obama won the presidency. He, and he alone can save this world!”

Upon hearing Lewis’s statement, the liberal victim was quoted as saying, “fuck that bitch, dude. Those rednecks may have raped my ass, but once Tomboma is done with this country, all Americans will feel like they have just been assfucked by a freight train, jack!! Besides, I was so high on jenkem, brother, I may have hallunciated the whole attack, and I probably assfucked myself with a cucumber, bra. Though don’t worry, liberalmaniacs, because the final solution is coming, bra. What are you gonna do, when my army of minions drink the kool-aid on you!?”

Disturbing Transmission Picked up from Ham Radio in Libtown

The Liberal Librarian kicks the TV over and curses violently. He turns to see his minions and cultists staring at him. He grabs the mic and slurrinlgly yells "White Night! White Night!!" and orders everyone to come to the pavilion.

"What are you lookin' at? You're all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be. You didn't have the guts to elect Hillary. You listened to the media and voted for that inexperienced fool. Well, you need someone like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers, and say "that's the bad guy." So, what'll that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth... even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy. Come on. This is the last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you."

The Lib berates Tony Fanuci "You as crazy as your mama!! Goes to show it's in the genes!!"

Judge Jennings interjects: "Hillary's career, like her vagina, smells as bad as that crab meat, Obama's is alive and breathing. You gonna line up with a smelly vagina, Lib?

The Lib: "They can't buy me, you can't buy me... it means fuck all to me! The One may smile and smile and still be a villain."

The Lib then berates Fanuci about his relations with an Obama volunteer. Fanuci: "I didn't think much about it at the time. Just bullshit, y'know, everybody likes to make themselves out to be something more than they are. 'Specially in the homosexual underworld of the Democrat Party. But when they got him nominated I got real scared. And that's when I got popped. They'll get to you too. They'll destroy you. They're untouchable, man. "

The Lib tells the cultists that "Fundamentally, people are suckers for shit like Obama. But the people don't know shit because they've never been fucked in the ass! But they will be, Obama will destroy this country!

Jennings: You're way out there, boss, taking a crap in the wind, and I for one am not going along on this ride! None of your testimony is gonna hold up in court, Chief. Hell all of you have reputations as low as crocodile piss.

The Turd says, "Well don't let Jennings start sticking his damn nose in this thing! Every time he goes on some fuckin' fact-finding mission, he comes back and just scares the shit out of the Lib! Now I want Fanuci on him night and day, like a fly on shit. Now you control Jennings, and you control Obama."

The Lib: "Who grieves for Hillary's career? Buried in a cheap New York grave under the name "Senator/First Lady"? Nobody. Cause that motherfucker Obama, stole that motherfuckin' election, that's why. Hillary, was gonna be one of the great presidents 'till Obama wrecked it up. (Points at Da Brothas and Rev. Dr. Curtis Lowe) Got these niggas running around askin' for their damn rights and handouts. Why do you think we got all this crime nowadays? He promised those motherfuckers too goddamn much you ask me!!"

Joseph Paynter investigated for opposing Obama

Pride, TX
The Pride Post has learned that a special prosecutor has interviewed Tony Fanuci about his dealings with Joseph Paynter, AKA The Liberal Librarian. Paynter is being investigated for his
opposition to Barack Hussein Obama.

Tony:
Da Lib? My masta, da Liberal Librarian was a pimp. A bagman in Braddock foy da Democrat Party. He used to run Jenkem to Hillary befoy she was humiliated by Obama. Shit - we almost had dat election. Den we focused too oyly on da Presidency, den we had to flip alliances.
Everybody's flipping sides all da time. It's fun 'n' games, man fun 'n' games.

Police Investigator:
What about da Democrat Party, Tony? How do they figure in this?

TONY:
Dey're Libtwn, too. Don't you get it? Da Democrat Party and my Masta together. Trying to whack out Consoyvatism. Mutual interests. Dey been doing it for years. Dere's more to dis dan you dream. Democrats fucking hates da blacks. Da Liberal Librarian's got something to do
with it too. Check out "Judge Jennings" in Miami. Jonathan Oliver Blair, Coynel Parker, da managa of Elvis. Capt. Redneck, I hear, was a Dallas cop - da bagman at da Lib's Inconvenient Cafe. I heard he shot his own partner. Got dat? Check out da rich fucks in Dallas. J. R. Ewing. He's dirty. Dat's all I know. But da Democrat Party always runs da show. Check out something called "Elephant" Operation Elephant. Government, Pentagon stuff, dey're in charge, but who da fuck pulls whose chain who da fuck knows, fun 'n' games man - check out Southeast
Texas - dat's da next big number - da Jenkem trail. "Oh, what a deadly web we weave when we practice to deceive."

Investigator:
Then who caused the Liberal Librarian to lose the WNWA title?

TONY: (Choking and coughing on a cigarette and nervously pacing)
Oh man, why don't you stop? Dis is too fuckin' big for your ass! Who caused my Liberal Masta to lose? It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma. Even da bookers don't fuckin' know! Don't you get it yet? I can't be talking like dis. Dey're gonna kill my ass. I'm gonna die!
(Tony Fanuci sits down, farting, sobbing) I don't know what happened. All I wanted in da whole fuckin' woyld was to be a Catholic priest -live in a monastery, study ancient Latin manuscripts, pray, serve God. But I had dis one terrible, fatal weakness. I worshiped a weird Liberal as da new Messiah. And fowa dis crap dey defrocked my ass. And den I started to lose everyting.

Ex-Judge Jenning's "Sad Tale" of Sex, Lies, and Videotape

Former 5th Circuit Court of Appeals Justice William J. Jenning's arrest Thursday on prostitution, wiretapping and invasion of privacy charges is the latest chapter in "one sad tale," the lawyer for the man who triggered the investigation said.

"I feel bad for everybody that this behavior had to take place and smear so many people," said Tayloe Q. Anderton, the county's chief public defender. "I feel bad for everybody who got blemished."

Anderton represents Tony Fanuci, 42, a former housemate of Jennings's who accused the 75-year-old Judge of “raping my ass” in March.

State police said Fanuci was lying about the rape, because he is a slave and has no legal rights -- he is free on $25,000 bail awaiting trial in county court on a false-reports charge -- but his accusation prompted the wider seven-month investigation that culminated in Jennings's arrest.

The criminal charges aren't the only legal woes for Jennings, a Democrat who served as a justice for more than 30 years before being removed in another sex-scandal in April.

Two other men are suing him in county court, claiming he invaded their privacy by secretly recording them engaging in sex acts at his home.

Their attorney, Spanos T. Lattas, said he doesn't expect Jennings's arrest to greatly affect the lawsuits.

"I've always viewed these two matters as completely separate" from the criminal proceedings, Lattas said.

Jennings once had a sterling reputation as a government leader, a philanthropist and the founder of a successful video production firm (that has since been discovered to be a pornographic video service). But that deteriorated rapidly during the sex-laced criminal investigation.

The charges against him include three felonies. They carry possible prison terms of up to 48 years and fines totaling $113,500, according to the attorney general's office, which is prosecuting the case.

According to an affidavit, Jennings used hidden cameras scattered throughout his home to make 176 secret recordings of 13 men engaged in sex acts or in stages of undress at his home, of hacking the computer of a man who was living with him, and of hiring male and female prostitutes on nearly a weekly basis.

The arrest affidavit said Jennings installed secret cameras in a bathroom, bedrooms and elsewhere in his home. The cameras were hidden inside radios, motion detectors and intercom speakers.

Jennings allegedly gave Fanuci a laptop computer on which Jennings had installed software that sent e-mails to Jenning’s documenting Fanuci’s e-mails, chats, keystrokes and Internet usage.

"The charges are extremely serious, so we will be looking at how we want to proceed," said Mike Groves, Jennings's lawyer.

Jennings, who was instructed by Groves not to comment on the charges, surrendered at District Judge Wabash’s Pride, TX office to be arraigned. He was freed on $25,000 unsecured bail pending a preliminary hearing scheduled for next week.

"William is doing well," Groves said. "We were aware that these charges were coming."

Former WNWA World Heavyweight Champion Joseph Paynter (AKA The Liberal Librarian) had little comment on Jennings's arrest.

"He's not a Frustrated Inc. employee anymore, brother" said Paynter, a Democrat who was a close associate with Jennings since 2004. "These things are unrelated to the group and to Libtown, jack!"

In arrest papers, a Trooper said Jennings admitted that starting in January 2007 he had recorded other men engaging in sex via cameras hidden in radios, motion detectors and intercom systems in a bathroom, bedrooms and recreation areas at his house.

The images were fed into Jennings's computer system, the trooper said. He said Jennings also admitted to regularly hiring male prostitutes.

Police executed warrants to seize computers, video disks and other items from Jennings's home.
The trooper said police found 176 video clips that depicted men who were nude or who were engaging in sex acts. Many of those men, were interviewed and said they didn't realize they had been recorded, the trooper said. He said three told him Jennings had given them money for sex.

It was also determined that Jennings had installed spyware on a computer he bought for Fanuci so he could secretly monitor the man's online activity, the trooper said.

WNWA Final Fury

WNWA Final Fury, Libtown in Pride, TX. A little background on how we got here. Earlier this year, The Liberal Librarian and his separatist cult fled Braddock after Judge Jennings was arrested and disbarred. They managed to get Jennings out of jail and fled into the hinterlands of West Texas. As Frustrated Inc. held most of the WNWA titles, the WNWA went into hiatus. President J.R. Ewing, with a team of high-powered lawyers, has managed to negotiate a deal with The Liberal Librarian to allow the WNWA titles to be defended on a PPV, but it had to be held at Libtown. So, this is what happened at WNWA Final Fury.

Ronald Martin: The following contest is a Cakefarts Fracas sponsored by Cakefarts.com. The winner of the match has to smash his opponents face into one of the cakes surrounding the ring after farting and erotically grinding on it. Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by Retro, from High Point, NC, Kelly Millis!!! And his opponent, accompanied by The Turd and Mud Monkey, Tony Fanuci!!!

The bell rings and the two circle around the ring until they lockup. The two manage to lock each other in the Greco-Roman Nipple Twist but Fanuci snaps Kelly’s nipps and locks on a headlock, but Kelly shoves him off only to be shoulder blocked down to the mat. They separate and Fanuci allows Kelly to get back up. They lockup again and this time Kelly gets in a headlock, but he gets shoulder blocked down for a second time. Once again, Kelly is given a chance to get back up. Kelly teases a test of strength, but kicks Fanuci in the balls and delivers numerous right hand shots. As Kelly backs away and begins grinding on one of the cakes, Fanuci grabs The Fruit by the throat and hurls him into the corner. The Manservant then strikes Kelly with numerous boxing blows to various parts of Kelly’s body. Fanuci then connects with a massive clothesline, and drops his drawers and lets out a putrid blast on one of the cakes. Fanuci proceeds to work on the Fruit’s arm and signals for the Cake Fart, but Kelly stops him by delivering a punch to the dick. Kelly tries an Irish Whip, but Fanuci weighs too much and he reverses it and proceeds to charge at the Fruit with a running big boot, but Kelly dodges it and Fanuci’s foot gets caught up in the turnbuckle and goes groin first. Mud Monkey begins throwing some of the cakes and is visibly aroused and The Turd plays the muted trumpet. As Fanuci makes it back to his feet, Kelly connects with a chop block. Kelly now begins to work on the left leg. Not long after however, Fanuci shoves Kelly off and both men clothesline each other down. Both men get up and take it to each other with right hand shots. Fanuci appears to get the better however as he takes Kelly down after a couple of shots. Fanuci takes a dump on another cake and then goes for the big boot following a Snake Eyes, but receives a knee to the face instead. The Fruit tries to put Fanuci’s face in a freshly shat upon cake, but Fanuci fights him off. The cultists are getting a bit anxious and David Downs begins ramming his head into the ring post. Kelly attempts a facebuster into a cake, but he is catapulted into the turnbuckle. Letravis Gorman is in the corner doing the Torque and Twist as the cult crowd is in an absolute frenzy. Fanuci gets back up and he strikes Kelly down with a big boot followed by a Thunderlips leg drop, brother. Fanuci covers, but pinfalls don’t count. Fanuci goes up top, but Kelly trips his leg and Kelly manages to connect with a Super-Plex onto a cake, but it is not face first. As Fanuci makes it to his feet, Kelly twists his titties and snaps Fanuci’s nipples. Fanuci screams in agony and Kelly clotheslines him over the ropes, but Fanuci lands on his feet. Mud Monkey then runs over to Fanuci and snaps his nipples!! Fanuci screams again. Kelly tries to go attack him, but Fanuci pulls the Fruit out of the ring and eventually sends him crashing into the steel steps. Fanuci then sets Kelly up on the apron and connects with a leg drop to the throat. After another near Cakefart, Fanuci signals for The Salumeria (Salami Superkick) which he nails. Fanuci has diarrhea all over a cake and as he lifts Kelly up, the Fruit counters with a reverse neckbreaker. The Fruit sets Fanuci up for an Irish Whip, but gets knocked down after a flying clothesline. Fanuci signals for a chokeslam into a cake. He grabs Kelly by the throat and sends him to the ropes but Kelly hits a Spinebuster. Fanuci no sells and Kelly punches at him, but Fanuci grabs him by throat again. As Kelly is lifted in the air, he gets back down and attempts a Prostate Massage!!! The Liberal Librarian charges to the ring and performs the Cleveland Steamer on one of the cakes. He then sneaks up behind Kelly who has locked Fanuci in the Prostate Massage and nails him with the Cut and Run right into the diarrhea despoiled cake!!!! Fanuci flops over and then smashes Kelly’s head into the cake a second time. The Referee calls for the bell and Fanuci has won!!! A groggy Fanuci raises his arms, then does a Ric Flair flop into the cake!!! The Turd then plays the muted trumpet.

RM: Here is your winner, Tony Fanuci!!!

RM: The following contest is a six-man tag match: Rev. Dr. Curtis Lowe & Da Noo Brothas (Malik Monroe and Eugene Washington) vs. Dale Taylor, Eustus Fraley & Tyrone Jefferson DavisCurtis Lowe's music hits, and I think that's my cue to start drinking the "holy water." Curtis and da Noo Brothers, Malik Monroe and Eugene Washington make their way down the ramp and climb into the ring before Lowe grabs the microphone. Lowe breaks into "I ain't gonna be eatin no jelly, yoo blak nigga foo!! Tyrone gonna eat my ass!" Curtis then began singing his newest hymn, “Nigga Style” (sung to the tune of “Will the Circle be Unbroken?”). Luckily the Supremacists’ music soon hit, and they along with Tyrone Jefferson Davis (carrying a Confederate flag) make their way to the ring. The bell rings. Taylor and Malik Monroe circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Taylor quickly switches to a standing rear hammer lock on Malik, but Malik makes it to the ropes to force the break. Taylor and Malik circle each other for a second time before locking each other up in a second collar-and-elbow tie-up. Taylor quickly switches to a standing rear hammer lock, but this time Malik reverses in to a standing rear hammer lock of his own. Malik muscles Taylor down to the mat, but Taylor fights back up to his feet and breaks the hold with a sweet flipping snap mare takedown. Taylor charges at Malik and Malik tries to give him a back body drop over the top rope, but Taylor floats over and lands on his feet on the ring apron. Malik hurriedly tags Eugene. Taylor tags Eustis. Both combatants lock up. Eustus spins around and takes a swing at Washington, but Washington blocks the punch. Eustis tries to hip toss Washington back over the top rope, but Washington counters into a deep arm drag takedown on Eustus. Eustus gets back to his feet, but Washington catches him with a second deep arm drag takedown. Washington maintains his hold on Eustus's arm, but Eustus fights back to his feet. Washington switches to an arm bar on Eustus, guides him over to the corner, tags Malik into the match, and holds Eustus as Malik climbs into the ring and gives Eustus an elbow shot to the shoulder.Washington climbs out onto the ring apron as Malik gives Eustus four punches to the shoulder. Curtis pats Washington's shoulders and jaws to fans "We gonna rape doz whiteys Nigga Style"!! Malik applies an arm wringer to Eustus, gives him another elbow shot to the shoulder, switches to a standing rear hammer lock, guides him over to the corner, and slams him shoulder-first into the top turnbuckle. Eustus is out on his feet. Curtis seeing a opportunithy demands to be tagged in. Malik with a puzzled look tags in the 75 year old wrestling reverund. Curtis points at Tyrone and says "dis iz gwine to be yo' ass!" Curtis then hits Eustus in the face. Eustus looks up. Curtis hits him again. Eustus looks quite angry and no longer groggy. Curtis hurriedly tags Washington and darts out of the ring.Washington gives Eustus yet another elbow shot to the shoulder followed by more punches to the shoulder before applying another arm wringer and again driving his elbow into Eustus's shoulder. Washington takes Eustus over with a snap mare takedown and applies a rear chin lock. Eustus begins to fight back to his feet, so Washington releases the hold and gives Eustus a clubbing forearm shot to the back. Washington drags Eustus back to his feet, whips him to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and drops his head to telegraph the back body drop, so Eustus puts on the brakes and gives Washington a head butt to the back of the head. Eustus drags Washington back to his feet, drags him over to the corner, pauses as he looks at Tyrone Jefferson Davis. He then tags Tyrone into the match, (Eustus wipes his hands on his torn Jack Daniels t-shirt). Davis climbs into the ring and gives Washington a head butt.Tyrone then stomps on Washington's head before giving him the "dildozer" (a double ax-handle shot to the back of the head). Tyrone refuses to go for the pin. Instead, he drags Washington back to his feet, gives him a scoop slam, and once again stomps on his head. Tyrone drags Washington back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, slaps Washington across the chest to tag him into the match, and holds Washington as Taylor climbs into the ring. Tyrone and Taylor give Washington a double head butt and Tyrone climbs out onto the ring apron. Taylor covers Washington but only gets a two count before Tyrone kicks out. Taylor slings Washington in the corner and runs in for the clothesline. Washington gets his foot up at the last second, nearly knocking Taylor's head off. Washington goes to his corner and tags in Malik. Malik gives Taylor three mounted punches, pulls him over to the corner, slaps him across the face. A dazed Taylor falls down face first. Malik drags Taylor back to his feet and slams his head into the top turnbuckle. Taylor crumbles to the mat, but Malik drags him back to his feet and applies the "dropped soap" (Cobra Clutch). Taylor breaks the hold with two elbow shots to Malik's gut, but Malik fights back with a clubbing forearm shot to Taylor's back. Malik drags Taylor back to his feet, whips him to the corner, and charges after him, but Taylor just manages to slide out of the way. Malik slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle as Taylor dives across the ring and tags Tyrone into the match.Tyrone climbs into the ring and levels Malik with a running clothesline. Washington runs into the ring and misses a clothesline. Tyrone delivers an uppercut, bounces off the ropes and delivers the "ass-blaster" (formerly known as the Drive-by). Malik springs back up to his feet, but Eustus immediately levels him with a running clothesline. Eustus heads over to the corner to grab Curtis but the Reverend throws salt in his face, blinding the hillbilly. Curtis grabs an empty liquor bottle and shatters it over Eustus's head knocking him out cold. Eustus instinctively rolls out of the ring. Meantime, Tyrone sets Washington up for the "Tossed Salad" but out of the ringside, Mud-Monkey runs into the ring and grabs Tyrone's leg and begins biting him. Tyrone clubs Mud with a meathook but is cold-cocked by Malik. Curtis orders his men to hold Tyrone because "itz time to eat sum ass!" Curtis pulls down his pants and begins backing up toward Tyrone's semi-conscious face.

Out of nowhere, Taylor nails Malik and Washington with the Confederate flag pole. Tyrone gives the "five knuckle nut-buster" to the Reverend. As Curtis doubles over in pain, Tyrone nails Curtis with a devastating "Tossed Salad" with Curtis's pants still around his ankles. Tyrone picks up a jar of mint jelly that rolls out of Curtis's pants. Then, Tyrone takes off his pants and pours the jelly all over his ass and sits on Curtis giving him the ass-face with mint jelly. It's now aJabberjawmic folks. The ref counts one-two-three. Tyrone pins his former mentor. Taylor helps a groggy Eustus into the ring. The Supremacists and Tyrone celebrate their victory. Tyrone waves the flag of Freedom, the glorious "Stars and Bars" as Curtis and crew rolls out of the ring in a shameful defeat. A barely lucid Curtis with mint “ass jelly” is moaning how he "hates jellllyyyyyyy...!!!!"

RM: Here are your winners, Dale Taylor, Eustus Fraley, and Tyrone Jefferson Davis!!!

RM: The following contest is for the Texas Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, accompanied by Mrs. Fanuci, the champion, Antonio “Da Crunk” Davis!! And his opponent, making his WNWA return, accompanied to the ring by Bobby The Chunk, now weighing 205 lbs., fATAS!!!!

Da Crunk came to the ring hanging all over Mrs. Fanuci and mouthing to the camera, “Ah, yeah! The prize, bitches. You know you want dis!! You ass just jealous!” fATAS is disgusting: skinny, stretch mark covered with flab and mounds of skin flopping all over the place. fATAS and Crunk locked up and Crunk backed fATAS into the ropes and gave a clean break. They locked up again and fATAS got Crunk in the roeps and fATAS hit a knee to the gut and then some right hands. fATAS hit a reverse elbow knockdown and then kicked Crunk on the mat before hitting some chops in the corner. Crunk came back with a kick to the knee and then some right hands but fATAS came back with more chops to the chest.fATAS hit a snap suplex and dropkick for two and then worked over his shoulder in the ropes. Crunk wrenched on the arm of fATAS, but fATAS came back with a leg lace takedown and then went for a baseball slide through the ropes, but Crunk moved and sent him into the ring post. Crunk got back in and tried to take off the top turnbuckle pad, but fATAS came in behind him and sent him down with a German Suplex. fATAS hit some knees and chops in the ropes, and then scored with a Northern Lights Suplex for two. Crunk took over with elbows to the back of the neck and then stomped him on the mat.fATAS came back with chops but Crunk hit a hard clothesline to take fATAS down. Crunk went back to working on the shoulder of fATAS and locked in a short arm scissors on the canvas. Crunk then locked in an arm bar as the fans got behind fATAS. fATAS fought out with forearm shots but then walked into a dropkick from Crunk. fATAS and Crunk traded right hands on the canvas and then Crunk went back to working the arm and shoulder area. fATAS came back and went for the Sharpshooter, but Crunk kicked him off. fATAS hit some more chops to the chest but Crunk hit a right hand and went back to the shoulder.fATAS hit some right hands to get Crunk away from his shoulder, but Crunk scored with a swinging neck breaker for two. Crunk punched fATAS right in the neck and covered for two before hitting a reverse elbow for another two count. Orlando locked in a surfboard as fATAS screamed in pain. fATAS fought out but Crunk took him down with a slam and then headed up top but fATAS crotched him. fATAS hit some chops on Crunk and then went up and took him down with a superplex and both men are down. fATAS hit some forearm knock downs, followed by a back body drop and then an elbow before going for the Sharpshooter, but Crunk kicked him away again.fATAS hit a suplex, but Crunk blocked the second and went for a standing switch but fATAS reversed and hit a DDT. fATAS went up top and came off with a big splash for a near fall. fATAS chopped away at Crunk in the corner, and then sent him into the buckle, but Crunk's head collided with fATAS's on impact. Crunk removed the turnbuckle pad, but fATAS shoved him head first into the exposed turnbuckle and covered for the win!!!

RM: Here is your winner and NEWWWW Texas Heavyweight Champion, fATAS!!!

RM: The following contest is for the Texas Tag Team Championship. Introducing first, representing Frustrated Inc., Billy Bell and Poor Mike Skills, they are Bells Palsy!! And their opponents, Kevin Coleman and Del Rey Preddy, the Texas Tag Team Champions, the Confederate Cripplers!!

The bell rings and we start with Coleman and Skills. They lock up and Skills gets a headlock on Coleman. Skills connects with a quick suplex on Coleman and then with a few underhooks. Bell gets the tag and Skills and Bell take out Coleman with repeated kicks. Bell connects with a big boot to Coleman's gut and then lifts him over his back by his chin and drops him back down. Coleman comes back sending Bell into the corner and tags in Del Rey Preddy. Preddy gets in a few elbows on Bell, but Bell slams Preddy hard and follows it up with a boot to the face. Bell attempts a cover but only gets a two count. He makes the tag to Skills and Bell drops Preddy over his knee and Skills springboards off the top rope connecting with a knee to the head. Skills locks in a body submission on Preddy against the ropes. He slides under with a rollup on Preddy but Preddy kicks out and Skills goes right to the side headlock. Preddy tags in Coleman and the Cripplers drop Skills over their knees. Coleman then applies a sleeper on Skills to keep him down.Skills pushes Coleman towards Bell who breaks it up with a kick and Bell gets the tag. Bell levels Coleman with a big right hand, charges in the corner and a big side slam. Bell goes up to the top rope and takes out Coleman with a flying clothesline. Preddy makes the blind tag and he takes out Bell with a big neckbreaker. Preddy connects with some ground and pound offense on Bell and then tags in Coleman. Coleman connects with some kicks to Bell and then a big charge in the corner. Quick tag back to Preddy who puts a knee to the chin of Bell. He makes a quick tag to Coleman. Coleman gets in a few kicks and applies a chinlock on Bell. Bell connects with a huge big boot on Coleman. Both men make tags to their partners. Skills takes out Preddy with some big spin kicks and knocks Coleman off the ring apron. Skills connects with a powerslam on Preddy but only gets a two count. Skills knees Preddy then nails him with a knee to the head in the corner and a bulldog on Preddy while clotheslining Coleman on the ring apron at the same time! Skills leaps over the top rope taking out Coleman. He springboards back in off the top rope and takes out Preddy with a flying clothesline, covers, but only gets a two count. Skills attempts a stunner but Coleman breaks it up. Skills then dodges a kick from Preddy but Coleman grabs Skills's leg from under the ropes and Bell suplexes Coleman on the outside. In the ring, Preddy nails Skills with a twisting neckbreaker, covers and gets the pinfall.

RM: Your winners, and still Texas Tag Team Champions, The Confederate Cripplers!!!

RM: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, Amish Amos Beiler!!! And his opponent, The Turd!!!

The bell rings and The Turd and Amos lock up. The Turd backs Amos to the corner and the referee breaks it up. The referee pushes The Turd back. The Turd disdainfully farts on the ref. He then steps forward with a knee to the gut and then a headlock on Amos taking the action to the mat. The Turd connects with a big shoulder block on Amos. Amos gets in some kicks followed by a big forearm takedown. Amos connects with a dropkick that sends The Turd out of the ring through the ropes. Amos nails The Turd with a suicide dive through the ropes! Amos tosses him back in the ring, goes to the top turnbuckle, jumps, hits a cross-body but The Turd quickly kicks out. Amos comes off the ropes and Blair catches him with a big shoulder block. Jonathan Oliver Blair III connects with some big right hands on Amos in the corner. Amos catches The Turd with a boot in the corner. Amos is back up top when Blair cuts him off with a shot to the back. The Turd grabs Amos and connects with a fallaway slam from the top rope! Hook of the leg by Blair but Amos kicks out after two. The Turd connects with a shot to the back. Amos sits back up and The Turd gives him another shot to the back.Amos gets to his feet and The Turd levels him with a big right hand. The Turd sends him in with an Irish whip to the corner on Amos. The Turd then applies a modified erotic bearhug trying to weaken Amos. Amos attempts a few elbows to break free. Amos breaks free and lands a few kicks on The Turd. The Turd connects with a big boot on Amos from the corner. He follows that up with another boot to the head on the ground, hook of the leg and Amos kicks out. The Turd connects with a forearm to the back on Amos followed by a quick back suplex. Another cover but Amos again kicks out. The Turd locks in an abdominal stretch on Amos and humps him from behind. Amos counters with a hip toss on to break up the abdominal stretch/male rape. Amos follows with a high knee to the head followed by a bulldog from the corner. He attempts a Scrappler, but The Turd counters off and levels Amos with a big clothesline. He drops a few Turdbows over Amos, covers but Amos kicks out. They then exchange punches. Amos connects with some slaps and then a kick to the head. Amos makes the cover but The Turd kicks out. Amos connects with a springboard, but The Turd catches him and connects with a Turdslam that results in a two count.The Turd argues with the referee that it was a three count. He raises his arm and gets cheered. He goes for the Turd From Hell when Amos counters with a dropkick to the face. Amos with another high knee in the corner, attempts another bulldog, but The Turd counters and places Amos back up on the top turnbuckle. He lands numerous forearm shots to the back on Amos. He climbs up with Amos and connects with a big back suplex off the top! The back of Amos's head is busted open after colliding with The Turd's head earlier. Amos counters a clothesline attempt from The Turd and connects with the Scrappler! Amos covers and gets the pinfall!!!

RM: Your winner, Amos Beiler!!!

After the match, a beaten Turd has the sick look of pleasure that he gets from pain as he meanders back to his cabin while holding his “dookie stick.”

RM: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the National Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, Triple K!!! and his opponent, he is the National Heavyweight Champion, The Lummox!!!

The bell rings and Triple K and The Lummox have a stare down. Lummox shoves Triple K away. Triple K comes back with a few right hands. Triple K keeps the right hands up dodging shots from Lummox. Triple K attempts a Pettigrew early on, but Lummox fights out, slaps his arms around the neck of Triple K, lifts him up and slams him down. Lummox taunts and the cultists cheer. Lummox applies the Vice Grip on Triple K. Triple K gets in a few kicks to break it up and then connects with a chop block taking Lummox to the ground. Lummox rolls out of the ring and recovers near the announce table when Triple K walks out towards him. Lummox catches Triple K wtih a chop to the head levelling Triple K. Lummox sends Triple K into the ring bell area and then sends Triple K back into the ring. Lummox kicks Triple K in the corner and then follows that up with a few elbow shots. Triple K falls to the mat from the corner as Lummox taunts some more. Lummox with a pinfall attempt while standing over Triple K. Triple K kicks out. Lummox then applies pressure to the shoulder of Triple K. Lummox picks up Triple K on his shoulder and then slams him down with force. Lummox with a leg drop on Triple K and Triple K barely gets a shoulder up. Lummox goes back to work on the shoulder of Triple K. Triple K gets to his feet, lands a few shots to the chest of Lummox and then some right hands to the head. Triple K with a knee to the face on Lummox. Lummox gets tied up in the ropes when he falls back. Triple K then charges at Lummox and Lummox gets a boot up to stop Triple K. Lummox breaks free from the ropes, Triple K attempts a Pettigrew, but Lummox launches Triple K over his back over the top rope to the outside. Triple K then trips up Lummox from the outside and drives his leg into the steel ring post. Triple K walks across the ring apron towards Lummox and Lummox slaps Triple K over the chest sending him to the ground right away. Triple K rolls back into the ring favoring his chest.Lummox comes back into the ring, Triple K charges and Lummox gets another Vice Grip applied. Triple K with some body shots on Lummox, but Lummox won't let go. Lummox keeps the Vice Grip applied when Triple K somehow breaks free. Lummox launches Triple K into the corner. Triple K dodges a splash, kick to the gut, attempts a Pettigrew and connects. Triple K turns Lummox over, hooks the leg and gets the pinfall.

Your winner and NEW National Heavyweight Champion, Triple K!!!

RM: The following match is the final match in the best of seven series. This contest is a parking lot brawl. Introducing first, Prince Charming!! And his opponent, Pike!!

The match was held in a dirt parking lot behind the main Mount Holy Olive Peoples Temple pavilion. There were several cars and trucks parked in a circle. Charming's limo pulled up and he got out wearing a suit and carrying a tire iron. Charming called out for Pike and looked around for him. Charming stood on the hood of a car. A car engine revved and Pike drove a car into the car that Charming was standing on. Charming climbed onto the hood of the car as Pike slammed into the car. Pike slammed the hood of a car on Charming and then hooked his nuts up to a pair of jumper cables. Pike touched the other end of the cables to the car battery and it sparked, while Charming shook while his testicles were being fried. After a comeback, Charming hit Pike with punches and slammed his head onto the hood of a car. They stood on the hood of a car and Charming hit Pike with a spinning neckbreaker for a nearfall. Later, Charming placed Pike in the backseat of a car and slammed the door shut. He walked over to his limo and grabbed a gas can. Charming doused Pike's car with gas and pulled out a lighter while the ref pleaded with him to stop. Charming lit the car on fire and the referee started yelling, "Fire!" With the car engulfed in flames, several workers Preddyed up and used fire extinguishers to put the fire out. Once the fire was out, Pike climbed out unscathed and attacked Charming. He put Charming in the front seat of a car, and then sat down behind the wheel of a forklift. He slammed the forklift into the car and lifted it into the air with Charming still inside. Pike drove the forklift and the car into the arena. Charming stumbled out of the car and Pike attacked him on the stage. Pike dominated Charming. He stood over him and delivered a brutal fist drop. When Charming got to his feet, Pike picked him up for the Shuicide. He looked at the car he brought out with the forklift. He walked toward the car, but Charming fought off Pike and then threw him through the windshield. Charming covered Pike on top of the car and scored the pin to win the series 4-3!!! Charming had to be helped to the back by two referees. Pike was still lying on the car and his arms were cut from the glass. The refs tried to help him, but he brushed them off and walked on his own.

RM: Here is your winner, Prince Charming!!!

Hillary comes to the pavilion and approaches an obviously drugged Liberal Librarian who is sitting on his throne like chair. The Lib praises her and the cultists cheer wildly. Hillary then begins campaigning for Obama, which shocks The Lib. The Lib nails Hillary with the Cut and Run and then begins a madman rant about “Uncle Tombama.”

RM: The following contest is a Fatal 4 way match for the WNWA Women's Championship. The competitors are Grimace, Pam Fanuci, Antoinette Fanuci, and the Women’s Champion Amelia!!!Grimace and Amelia start. Right hands by the behemoth knocks Amelia off balance. Amelia counters a whip and hits a reverse elbow. Amelia tags in Pam. As Pam was yelling at Amelia because she was being told to do more work than she originally anticipated Grimace seizes on her distraction. With the arena shaking Grimace runs in the corner and hits a clothesline. Pam falls down in the corner and Grimace gets ready for the stinkcrotchface, but Pam explodes out of the corner with a clothesline. Antoinette makes a blind tag. Uppercuts by Antoinette and she tries to whip Grimace. Grimace counters and hits an avalanche drop!!! Grimace, breathing very heavily, barely makes it to Amelia and makes a tag. Amelia is blindsided, Antoinette then drops the leg across Amelia. Amelia in the corner and Antoinette backs dat ass up. Amelia puts on the chokehold, but Antoinette punches out. Antoinette whipped and Amelia hits a big boot followed by a scoop slam. Amelia goes to the top rope and hits a flying clothesline.
Antoinette stumbles to the corner and tags Pam. Grimace tags herself back in and Pam meets her with a chicken salad sandwich with her right hands. Boot to the face by Pam, but Grimace comes up swinging. Pam knocks her down then covers for a near fall. Grimace in the corner and Pam clotheslines her. Back elbow by Grimace on a Pam charge. Grimace grabs Pam's arm and hits old school. Pam jumps right up and fights back with right hands. Double clothesline and both old bags go down. Both old bags get back up and Pam gets three right hands. Pam hits a swinging neckbreaker and Grimace gets right back up. More right hands by Pam in the corner. Pam hits a DDT and covers, but Antoinette breaks the count at two. Amelia comes in and Grimace and Pam fight to the outside. Pam uses the ringbell to knock Grimace down. In the ring, Amelia hits the spinebuster then waits for Antoinette to get up. Grimace comes in from behind and attacks Amelia with a chokeslam. Pam leaves the ring, she says it's time forher chicken salad break and goes up the ramp. Grimace gets up and picks Amelia up for the "Last Meal". Out of no where an enraged, fan wearing a vagina with a tampon costume charges in the ring and nails Grimace with a crescent kick. Grimace backs up and trips on Antoinette’s prone, beached body, falling backwards, breaking Grimace’s toe!! Amelia seizing the moment covers Grimace for the quick 1, 2, 3, and wins!!!
RM: Here is your winner Amelia!!
Amelia walks over to the fan to shake her hand. The fan takes off the tampon to reveal Tony Fanuci whose face is still covered with ass-cake. Fanuci is holding an engagement ring. Amelia immediately turns around and leaves the arena. While Fanuci is pleading for Amelia to love his "ass", Fanuci is pancaked by Antoinette and Grimace at the same time for his part in Amelia's win.The two gargantuans drag Tony's body into the corner. Antoinette from the opposite corner runs full speed into Fanuci delivering a devastating "Hershey Highway". Grimace follows suit with the "Shitface." The Turd approaches the ring to play the trumpet to highlight Tony's humiliation. As Grimace waddles up the ramp she is confronted by Jabberjaw and the two stare down. They finally embrace and then attack the Fanucis!! After the match a breathless Jabberjaw struggles mightily to blurt out that they are a tag team called Breathless Toothless Aggression and are challenging the Confederate Cripplers to a tag team match right now!!

The music of the Cripplers hit as they made their way to the ring. Preddy and Coleman cornered the champs on the outside and then tossed Grimace in the ring and hammered the mastodon with right hands. Grimace was a trapped whale as Coleman nailed her with an uppercut. Coleman sent Grimace to the corner and gave the behemoth some huge uppercuts and then choked away at her. Coleman hit a clothesline in the corner, and went for another but Grimace got her massive boot up but further injured her broken hoof. The gargantuan Grimace hit a clothesline and tagged in Jabberjaw.Coleman hit Jabberjaw with an uppercut and then sent her into the boot of Preddy before tagging him in. Preddy silenced the crowd and chopped Jabberjaw hard in the corner. Preddy hammered away at Jabberjaw with boots and right hands, and then nailed the old bag with another huge chop. Preddy hit a boot to the face and then Jabberjaw raked the eyes and Grimace tagged in. Grimace went for a whip but that was no good and Preddy chopped Grimace in the corner and then gave the purple mass a headbutt. Preddy scored with yet another chop, and then stood on Grimace before tagging in Coleman. Coleman choked Grimace but she raked the eyes and tagged Jabberjaw. Coleman hit a boot to the sternum and then went up top.Jabberjaw cut him off but Coleman shoved him down and then Grimace came up and shoved Coleman to the outside. Grimace and Jabberjaw then hit the Sweet and Sour on Coleman on the outside. Back in the ring and Jabberjaw choked away at Coleman as the referee was busy with Preddy. Grimace tagged in and hammered away at Coleman before locking in a half nelson. Coleman drove Grimace into the corner but Jabberjaw tagged in and they worked Coleman over and Grimace hit an atomic drop followed by a Jabberjaw neckbreaker. Coleman sat up but Jabberjaw clotheslined him back down. Coleman grabbed Jabberjaw by the throat and then hit a boot and clothesline to the champs. Coleman tagged in Preddy who hit clotheslines and headbutts to both massively obese sows. Preddy whipped Grimace into Jabberjaw and then hit the splash on Jabberjaw but Grimace moved. Coleman went up top and hit the flying clothesline on Grimace and then sent her to the outside. Preddy and Coleman then hit a double chokeslam on Jabberjaw and it’s over!

RM: Here are your winners, The Confederate Cripplers!!!

The Lib entered the ring and scowled and soaked up the cheers from his adoring cultists. He grabbed the mic and threatened the cultists to get involved in this match and to cheer loudly. He then berated all the members of Frustrated Inc. for losing their matches.

The Lib: “Listen ups minions. Many of you are wondering why I chose to finallydefend my title against this inbred hayseed. Let me tell you dudes. I'm tired of taking all this harassment from JR's lawyers, dude. I'm not worried about defeating this conservative, bra, because I'm the chosen one, brother. I'll use my supernatural powers against this retard, dude. Science has deemed me the world's savior, jack. But Ihave the upper hand, Libomaniacs. JR had to make a few concessions of his own, brother. When I win, I will not be required to defend the title for 4 years dude. Long enough time get my beloved in the White House, dude. Even though I had to cut and run Hillary, jack, she will be back. In four years, after that blue-gummed racist pickaninny Obama runs the country into the ground and has us all longing for the salad days of Jimmy Carter and W., Hillary will defeat that fuck for the Democratic nomination, brother, and Liberalmania will live forever, JACK!!”


RM: The following no-disqualification contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the World Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, the champion, The Liberal Librarian!!! And his opponent, Captain Redneck!!!

CR came out wearing a tank top, jeans, and boots. His left arm was heavily taped. CR charged at The Lib. He took his boot off and struck The Lib with it early, opening a nasty cut. The Lib got the upper hand by raking CR’s face and throwing him over the top rope.The Lib went outside the ring and set up a table at ringside. He tried to powerbomb CR through the table, but CR punched him in the head and The Lib fell backward but dropped CR face first on the ring apron. After getting back to his feet, The Lib attempted to suplex CR off the ring apron through the table, but he couldn't muster the strength. CR then tossed The Lib through the table. Redneck threw The Lib back in the ring and set him up for the B2B. He teased it and then stopped even though he could have hit the move. He looked at The Lib and shook his head no. The announcers explained that he hadn't dished out enough punishment. The Lib took over after The Lummox charged into the ring and he and The Lib doubled teamed CR. The Turd came to the ring and gave CR Dookey Love!!! The Lib nailed the Cut and Run and then applied the Crossface Leftwing. Redneck reached the ropes, but The Lib wouldn't break the hold. CR reached underneath the ring and grabbed a fire extinguisher and then sprayed it at The Lib to break the hold. CR chased The Lummox and The Turd from the ring, then took control of the match and beat up The Lib at ringside.The Turd ran back out to help The Lib, but CR cut him off with a couple of punches in the aisle. The Turd ran at Redneck again and punched his injured arm. The Turd then clotheslined CR. The Lib wrapped CR's bad arm around the ring post and The Turd ran at him and kneed his wounded arm. Tony Fanuci entered the ring and held CR from behind while The Lib continued to attack him. Fanuci held Redneck's arm down and then The Lib struck it with a chair a couple of times. Fanuci wrapped CR's arm in a chair while The Lib climbed the ropes to deliver the Partial Birth Abortion. CR recovered and knocked Fanuci into The Lib, who fell off the second rope and through the table at ringside. CR grabbed a chair and headed to ringside with it. Redneck swung the chair with one arm and slammed it on The Lib twice. The Lib cried out in agony both times. CR cleared the announcers' table and placed The Turd on top of it. CR climbed to the top rope and then stopped. He headed back to ringside and placed The Lib on top of Fanuci on the table. CR climbed to the top rope and elbow dropped both men through the table. CR stood up and Butch Williams yelled: 'He's up! He's up!" CR dragged The Lib, who was bleeding from the nose, back inside the ring. Redneck took off his belt and whipped The Lib with it repeatedly. Judge Jennings attempted to interfere but J.R. Ewing pulled him off the apron and gave him a beatdown.CR locked The Lib in the STF and punched him in the eye repeatedly. All of Frustrated Inc. charged toward the ring, but the Supremacists stopped them and a big brawl broke out with the cult members also getting involved. Finally, The Lib yelled out, “My Hillary, my Hillary, why hast thou forsaken me?” He then gasped “It is finished.” The ref checked his arm and it fell three times and he called for the bell. Captain Redneck is the new World Champion!!! After the match, CR continued to glare at the fallen Lib.

RM: Here is your NEW world heavyweight champion,
Captain Redneck!!!