Braddock County Sheriff's Department news briefs

Braddock Sheriff's Report
filed by Sheriff Fenton Washburn

At 4 pm Friday, deputies responded to a call to the Braddock Estates Mobile Home Park. Upon investigation, it appears that Dale Taylor forced Yeti to open the fire hydrant outside his trailer and allowed the water to gush down the hill so that neighbor kids could race each other sliding in the muck. After approximately half an hour of this, LuAnn Simpson's mobile home, which was located at the bottom of the hill, suddenly upended itself and hung at a 45-degree angle, with the kitchen and exit door end of it high in the air. Simpson was trapped inside the trailer, and reported to deputies that, rather than help her, Taylor took this opportunity to call Captain Redneck over, where the two of them used Simpson's trailer windows for target practice. Deputies noticed numerous bullet holes all over the trailer, but Taylor and Redneck were nowhere in sight and have an alibi for the time of the event (Eustus Fraley and Triple K both claim to have been playing pool with them at the High Pockets Pool Hall at the time). When Braddock Sheriff's Deputies arrived at the scene, no one was in sight except the Yeti, who was hitting the hydrant with a sledgehammer. Yeti claimed he was trying to shut off the hydrant, and deputies arrested him for vandalism of county property. His sentence has subsequently been suspended pending completion of his month's duties to the WNWA as a result of losing to Dale Taylor. Instead, deputies were allowed to use him for taser practice and then released him back to Taylor.

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A distraught woman with a breathless, stammering speech pattern called the Sheriff's Department alleging that a mob of black men were circling her house and preparing to rape her. This was found to be false, as the men were only staging a demonstration calling for segregated neighborhoods. The caller has been fined for placing a false report and will be on probation for four months.

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PUBLIC REMINDER:
Alternative-fueled vehicles are NOT permitted in Braddock County. This includes electric cars, biodiesel, and hybrid vehicles. You live in Oil Country folks, deal with it. Alternative-fueled vehicles are subject to towing and destruction AT ANY TIME!