Braddock Sheriff's Report
filed by Sheriff Fenton Washburn
At 4 pm Friday, deputies responded to a call to the Braddock Estates Mobile Home Park. Upon investigation, it appears that Dale Taylor forced Yeti to open the fire hydrant outside his trailer and allowed the water to gush down the hill so that neighbor kids could race each other sliding in the muck. After approximately half an hour of this, LuAnn Simpson's mobile home, which was located at the bottom of the hill, suddenly upended itself and hung at a 45-degree angle, with the kitchen and exit door end of it high in the air. Simpson was trapped inside the trailer, and reported to deputies that, rather than help her, Taylor took this opportunity to call Captain Redneck over, where the two of them used Simpson's trailer windows for target practice. Deputies noticed numerous bullet holes all over the trailer, but Taylor and Redneck were nowhere in sight and have an alibi for the time of the event (Eustus Fraley and Triple K both claim to have been playing pool with them at the High Pockets Pool Hall at the time). When Braddock Sheriff's Deputies arrived at the scene, no one was in sight except the Yeti, who was hitting the hydrant with a sledgehammer. Yeti claimed he was trying to shut off the hydrant, and deputies arrested him for vandalism of county property. His sentence has subsequently been suspended pending completion of his month's duties to the WNWA as a result of losing to Dale Taylor. Instead, deputies were allowed to use him for taser practice and then released him back to Taylor.
*******
A distraught woman with a breathless, stammering speech pattern called the Sheriff's Department alleging that a mob of black men were circling her house and preparing to rape her. This was found to be false, as the men were only staging a demonstration calling for segregated neighborhoods. The caller has been fined for placing a false report and will be on probation for four months.
*******
PUBLIC REMINDER:
Alternative-fueled vehicles are NOT permitted in Braddock County. This includes electric cars, biodiesel, and hybrid vehicles. You live in Oil Country folks, deal with it. Alternative-fueled vehicles are subject to towing and destruction AT ANY TIME!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
The Turd Arrested!!!
WNWA wrestler confesses to vandalizing Braddock County church with feces
July 24, 2007 11:34 PM EDT
A suspect responsible for allegedly vandalizing a string of Braddock County churches was taken into custody Tuesday.
Braddock Sheriff Fenton Washburn said 42-year-old Oliver Jonathan Blair III, who wrestles as The Turd in the WNWA, confessed to breaking in to five Braddock County churches in recent weeks, burglarizing them, and defacating in some of the churches and then smearing his excrement on walls and floors.
Two Sundays ago, ministers at Trinity Baptist Church in Braddock County said, he broke into their building and vandalized it with feces.
"Well, it looks like he went down the hall with a broom handle," said Minister John Miller. "You know, just splattered it. That's what it looked like."
But what Blair didn't realize, until he looked up, was that his actions were being recorded by church surveillance cameras.
"We got him on tape," Miller said.
The tape even shows Blair making his getaway, just minutes before deputies were alerted to the break-in by an alarm. Tuesday, the tape lead to Blair's arrest.
Washburn said Blair admitted to breaking into the churches, taking money and credit cards, but he wouldn't talk about the excrement.
"The only reason he gave me for doing that was he was so upset he couldn't control his bowels," said Deputy Russell Perry.
Braddock Sheriff's Department investigators were able to track down Blair using the serveillance video from Trinity Baptist Church. Investigators noticed The Turd costume he was wearing, and traced him to the OIL TV Studios where he works. They said he took his clothes off when he realized the churches had video surveillance.
"God will deal with him," Miller said. "He'll get his due. There's no doubt about that."
Leaders at Trinity Baptist Church said their faith tells them they must forgive Blair. That, they said, is the Christian thing to do.
Blair was charged with four counts each of burglary of a church, malicious mischief, vandalism, and credit card fraud.
July 24, 2007 11:34 PM EDT
A suspect responsible for allegedly vandalizing a string of Braddock County churches was taken into custody Tuesday.
Braddock Sheriff Fenton Washburn said 42-year-old Oliver Jonathan Blair III, who wrestles as The Turd in the WNWA, confessed to breaking in to five Braddock County churches in recent weeks, burglarizing them, and defacating in some of the churches and then smearing his excrement on walls and floors.
Two Sundays ago, ministers at Trinity Baptist Church in Braddock County said, he broke into their building and vandalized it with feces.
"Well, it looks like he went down the hall with a broom handle," said Minister John Miller. "You know, just splattered it. That's what it looked like."
But what Blair didn't realize, until he looked up, was that his actions were being recorded by church surveillance cameras.
"We got him on tape," Miller said.
The tape even shows Blair making his getaway, just minutes before deputies were alerted to the break-in by an alarm. Tuesday, the tape lead to Blair's arrest.
Washburn said Blair admitted to breaking into the churches, taking money and credit cards, but he wouldn't talk about the excrement.
"The only reason he gave me for doing that was he was so upset he couldn't control his bowels," said Deputy Russell Perry.
Braddock Sheriff's Department investigators were able to track down Blair using the serveillance video from Trinity Baptist Church. Investigators noticed The Turd costume he was wearing, and traced him to the OIL TV Studios where he works. They said he took his clothes off when he realized the churches had video surveillance.
"God will deal with him," Miller said. "He'll get his due. There's no doubt about that."
Leaders at Trinity Baptist Church said their faith tells them they must forgive Blair. That, they said, is the Christian thing to do.
Blair was charged with four counts each of burglary of a church, malicious mischief, vandalism, and credit card fraud.
WNWA Rumors 7/27/07
WNWA Rumors
Gail Donnelly calls for volunteers to join the demonstration she is staging at Braddock Library to protest the racial profiling and unfair arrest of Shitifa Moore at the Braddock Wal-Mart. Donnelly notes that many members of Frustrated Inc. will participate in the protest and sign autographs for their adoring fans. She wants to be sure fans don't go out to the Braddock County Prison Farm to protest because, "last time we protested out there, the sheriff's deputies opened fire on our ranks. A lot of us got shot, and then that Fascist Washburn had the gall to bill all of us for the price of the county ammunition they used to shoot at us. So we are protesting at a friendlier venue this time - the library, which is a haven for free speech." Residents of area homeless shelters are encouraged to apply for paying jobs at this event.
*******
Truman Marlin and T. Diana Belle-Little are organizing a "Take Back Our Streets" march for next weekend. Marlin states that they want to rid their neighborhoods of drugs, crime, and "white folks living in FEMA trailers that rightly belong to the victims of Hurricane Katrina."
It's a busy time for Braddock County activists.
*******
The Liberal Librarian reports that someone has stolen his life-sized poster of Chelsea Clinton from his office at the library. He suspects a recently unemployed co-worker may be to blame for this crime, and worries where Chelsea will end up.
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Yeti requests that homeless guys please stop lying around on the grass outside the library. Dale Taylor is forcing him to drive an 18-wheeler Peterbilt to and from work each day, and to park it on the grass instead of in the lot. He would be distraught if he accidentally ran over and killed a sleeping vagrant.
Gail Donnelly calls for volunteers to join the demonstration she is staging at Braddock Library to protest the racial profiling and unfair arrest of Shitifa Moore at the Braddock Wal-Mart. Donnelly notes that many members of Frustrated Inc. will participate in the protest and sign autographs for their adoring fans. She wants to be sure fans don't go out to the Braddock County Prison Farm to protest because, "last time we protested out there, the sheriff's deputies opened fire on our ranks. A lot of us got shot, and then that Fascist Washburn had the gall to bill all of us for the price of the county ammunition they used to shoot at us. So we are protesting at a friendlier venue this time - the library, which is a haven for free speech." Residents of area homeless shelters are encouraged to apply for paying jobs at this event.
*******
Truman Marlin and T. Diana Belle-Little are organizing a "Take Back Our Streets" march for next weekend. Marlin states that they want to rid their neighborhoods of drugs, crime, and "white folks living in FEMA trailers that rightly belong to the victims of Hurricane Katrina."
It's a busy time for Braddock County activists.
*******
The Liberal Librarian reports that someone has stolen his life-sized poster of Chelsea Clinton from his office at the library. He suspects a recently unemployed co-worker may be to blame for this crime, and worries where Chelsea will end up.
*******
Yeti requests that homeless guys please stop lying around on the grass outside the library. Dale Taylor is forcing him to drive an 18-wheeler Peterbilt to and from work each day, and to park it on the grass instead of in the lot. He would be distraught if he accidentally ran over and killed a sleeping vagrant.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
WNWA House Show 7/26/07
Students and WNWA fans at Central University of North Texas were treated to a tremendous show tonight. Here are the results:
Main Event: The Liberal Librarian def. Ass Butte in a non-title, First Blood Match. Butte was busted open after a steel chair shot by The Turd.
Texas Tag Team Champions The Lummox and Da Crunk def. Da Brothas when The Lummox pinned Tyrone Jefferson. Da Crunk was never even tagged in during the match.
Sam Bash def. Lo Hung Schlong.
Erich Edwards def. Chi-Town Chris Collins in a Braddock Street Fight.
Rabbi Rage def. Horatio Hernandez.
Pike def. The Earl of Hurtford by DQ after Prince Charming interfered.
"Richard Nixon" def. Metro
David Downs def. T.M.I.
"All Abs" Austin Adams def. Shamookey Sanders after interference by Curtis Lowe.
Main Event: The Liberal Librarian def. Ass Butte in a non-title, First Blood Match. Butte was busted open after a steel chair shot by The Turd.
Texas Tag Team Champions The Lummox and Da Crunk def. Da Brothas when The Lummox pinned Tyrone Jefferson. Da Crunk was never even tagged in during the match.
Sam Bash def. Lo Hung Schlong.
Erich Edwards def. Chi-Town Chris Collins in a Braddock Street Fight.
Rabbi Rage def. Horatio Hernandez.
Pike def. The Earl of Hurtford by DQ after Prince Charming interfered.
"Richard Nixon" def. Metro
David Downs def. T.M.I.
"All Abs" Austin Adams def. Shamookey Sanders after interference by Curtis Lowe.
WNWA Rumors 7/26/07
Woman Banned For Life From Wal-Mart: Children Helped Suspect Bag Stolen Items, Sheriff Says
Braddock, TX-- A 30-year-old mother was banned from a Braddock County Wal-Mart and will face a judge after Sheriff's deputies said she used her seven children to help bag over $300 in stolen merchandise in a self-checkout lane, Local 6 News partner Braddock Today reported.
Shitifa Moore was charged with retail grand theft over the weekend after Braddock County Sheriff's deputies were called to the Wal-Mart located at 1040 Marlboro Road to investigate a complaint from the assistant managers, reports showed. She will go to court Aug. 17 on the charge, according to court records.
Braddock County Sheriff Fenton Washburn said the store's loss-prevention officers spotted Shitifa and her children, ages 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 12, in line at the self-checkout counter bagging items that were passed across the conveyor belt without being rung up. Police said the children assisted their mother in stuffing the unidentified items in the white shopping bags before a loss-prevention officer walked up. Shitifa paid $13 in goods but had a total of $400 worth of stolen merchandise sitting in her cart, police said. Shitifa was stopped while a male companion that was accompanying her, The Rev. Dr. Curtis Eldorado Lowe, bolted out the door, according to reports. Shitifa was able to keep the items she paid for but had to sign an affidavit not to enter that Wal-Mart again. After signing the document, she was arrested, Washburn said. She was booked and taken to the Braddock County Prison Farm.
Braddock, TX-- A 30-year-old mother was banned from a Braddock County Wal-Mart and will face a judge after Sheriff's deputies said she used her seven children to help bag over $300 in stolen merchandise in a self-checkout lane, Local 6 News partner Braddock Today reported.
Shitifa Moore was charged with retail grand theft over the weekend after Braddock County Sheriff's deputies were called to the Wal-Mart located at 1040 Marlboro Road to investigate a complaint from the assistant managers, reports showed. She will go to court Aug. 17 on the charge, according to court records.
Braddock County Sheriff Fenton Washburn said the store's loss-prevention officers spotted Shitifa and her children, ages 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 12, in line at the self-checkout counter bagging items that were passed across the conveyor belt without being rung up. Police said the children assisted their mother in stuffing the unidentified items in the white shopping bags before a loss-prevention officer walked up. Shitifa paid $13 in goods but had a total of $400 worth of stolen merchandise sitting in her cart, police said. Shitifa was stopped while a male companion that was accompanying her, The Rev. Dr. Curtis Eldorado Lowe, bolted out the door, according to reports. Shitifa was able to keep the items she paid for but had to sign an affidavit not to enter that Wal-Mart again. After signing the document, she was arrested, Washburn said. She was booked and taken to the Braddock County Prison Farm.
WNWA Rumors 7/24/07
WNWA Rumors: "Unofficial e-News for Fans of the WNWA"
David Downs was spotted at the Braddock Waffle House early this morning wearing the UN/ACLU Championship belt, which Ass Butte had refused and tossed into the crowd at UnCivil War. It seems that during the chaotic aftermath of the bout, Downs had snagged the belt and taken it home. He then painted the words "Americans With Disabillities Act" onto the belt, which now reads: UN/ACLU International Human Rights and World Peace, Americans with Disabilities Act Heavyweight Wrestling Champion. After breakfast, Downs approached the Braddock Library, where he was accosted in the parking lot by the Liberal Librarian, who laid him out with a cut-and-run, and made off with the belt. Downs was heard crying and yelling "my belt! My belt!"
*******
Yeti and Dale Taylor spent most of Sunday at the Evil Ink Tattoo Parlor in south Braddock, where a drunken Yeti was given their famous "Coverall MultiTats Deal." Yeti had 70% of his body tattooed with various symbols and slogans, including but not limited to:
*A Peterbilt logo
*A "You Wear Your X, I'll Wear Mine" Confederate Flag across his back
*A Jack Daniels logo
*A NASCAR logo
*The words "better dead than red"
*A Jesus Fish
*A depiction of Uncle Sam, with the words "Proud American" underneath
*YETI written across his fingers, Ozzy-style
*Several snakes, skulls, daggers, flowers, and hearts
*A picture of the Road Runner and Wylie Coyote
*A picture of Barney the purple dinosaur with a heart around it.
We are not sure what other 'tats the Yeti may have obtained. These are all that were visible as he rode around Braddock shirtless and drunk, in the back of Taylor's pickup, eating pork rinds and littering the highways with bottles he'd pulled out of the library recycling bin.
*******
Truman Marlin announces that he has obtained DNA test kits for any black wrestlers wishing to test whether they are related to Thomas Jefferson. To submit a sample, go by Powerhouse Gym in downtown Braddock.
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