Memorial Day Massacre Results

Whitaker dominates Millis to take control of Braddock County Public Library, immediately orders it closed, fires most of the staff.

In action at Braddock County Coliseum today, the stars of the WNWA competed in the annual Memorial Day Massacre PPV. Among the most notable results was Aaron Whitaker's dominating victory over former BCPL Director Kelly Millis in a Lumberminion match. In this match, retired BCPL Operations Manager Liz Bien was killed by Chief Slapaho. The following is the play-by-play of that match.

RM: The following contest is a LumberMinion Match and is scheduled for one fall. The winner of this match has full control of Braddock County Public Library. All employees of Braddock County Public Library are required to serve as Lumberminions. Let me now introduce the special guest referee, Noah Retro. Introducing first…(Tony Fanuci has come to the ring and snatches the mic from Ronald Martin)

Fanuci then recounts the molestations he has endured at the hands of “Kelly ‘The Fruit’ Millis.” Millis comes up behind Fanuci and yanks down his shorts, once again exposing a humiliated Fanuci as The Turd plays the muted trumpet.

RM: And his opponent, from Solie Public Library, Aaron Whitaker!!!

The camera zooms in on Whitaker when he mouthed the words, "I'm going to hurt you" while looking at Millis. Millis can be seen visibly swallowing as special guest referee Noah Retro wipes Millis’ brow. Millis yells “You’re only hurting yourself, fine sir.” The bell rings and Whitaker steps forward looking to strike. Millis quickly shields himself and falls into a fetal position and, Joannie Saulright, Marilyn Krapowski and Jabbajaw yank him out of the ring. Whitaker goes outside and is attacked by an army of BCPL employees, with the exception of a few, most notable Steven Grant and Luke Leftwich. The minions roll Whitaker back into the ring and Millis lays in some extremely weak shots to the back. Millis tries to lay the boots to Whitaker who fights up and the two lock up and Whitaker launches Millis out of the ring through the ropes!!! As Millis tries to get back in Whitaker destroys him with a shoulder charge and he splatters on the most loyal minions. Jabbajaw is injured and is taken to the back and John Thehut dutifully follows his fallen lass. Millis takes advantage of the distraction and takes some brass knucks from Retro. Millis nails Whitaker and connects with boots to the face followed by a quick clothesline that evidently injures Millis. He is screaming in pain and it appears he has hyperextended his elbow!!! Whitaker takes advantage with several punches on a weeping Millis. Whitaker twists Millis’ arm and Millis submits, but Retro refuses to count the submission. Whitaker nails a few rights on Millis in the corner. Millis conCurtiss Whitaker to lock up in a Greco Roman knuckle lock but nails a low blow. He appears to be fondling Whitaker. Whitaker fights back and locks in the knuckle lock and Millis is howling in his orgasmic prostate massage wail!!! He is yelling he quits but all of the Lumberminions enter the ring and lay a beat down on Whitaker. Millis again stupidly injures himself with a clothesline on Whitaker sending him over the top rope. The minions continue their assault. Whitaker stays on his feet and Millis catches him with a baseball slide. Millis jumps off the ring apron at Whitaker, but he catches him and sends him back first into the steel ring post!!!! Millis falls to the ground unconscious but Whitaker does the Twisting Nipple Snap which brings Millis back to life and screaming in anal rape-like pain. Whitaker devastates Millis with a headbutt. Retro stops the match and says that Millis will be allowed to wear his construction worker hard hat for the remainder of the match. Whitaker launches a battered Millis into the ring barricade near the announce tables. Whitaker drops Millis face first off the ring barricade. He then drops him face first off the ring apron. Whitaker throws Millis back in, keeps his head out under the bottom rope and hits a big boot. Whitaker then stands on the ring apron and drops a leg over the caved in bird chest of Millis! Whitaker connects with a scoop slam on a lifeless Millis in the middle of the ring followed by a leg drop. The minions charge the ring with all kinds of weapons and again lay a savage beating on Whitaker. Millis connects with some tauntingly weak and gay offense. Whitaker turns himself over and starts dropping bombs over Millis. This is starting to look like an MMA fight! Millis connects with a Kick to the Dick sending Whitaker to the outside. Millis locks in the weakest camel clutch I’ve ever seen and appears to be humping Whitaker’s ass in the process. Whitaker looks to lift Millis up, but he falls back down after Retro kicks him in the knee and they roll around with Millis keeping the hold on. Whitaker grabs the ropes, but Retro refuses to break it up. Whitaker powers up and drops Millis back first on the ring. Double clothesline and both men are down. Both men are up, hit double kicks and they are both down again. Back and forth shots between the two. Whitaker misses a charge, but he catches Millis and nails snake eyes in the corner followed by a boot to the face knocking out several teeth and the connects with an elbow drop combo. The minions attack yet again, but they are headed off at the path by “Richard Nixon,” Chad Folsum, Ass Butte and Sam Bash!!!! The four crush the minions sending them heading for the hills. The Liberal Librarian is in shock upon seeing Ass Butte and runs through the crowd. He grabs the mic and says, “Sorry, Millis, dude. I can’t help your ass now, brother. I got some Boudreaux’s Butt Paste in the back cause it looks like you are gonna need it, jack. I always thought you were a real fuckin’ ass clown anyway, bra!!” Whitaker goes for the pin but Retro refuses to count. Joannie Saulright rolls her fat ass into the ring and hits Whitaker over the back of the head with a strap on dildo. Sam Bash grabs her and plants her with a kick to the face and then locks in the Texas Cloverleaf. Millis covers, but Whitaker kicks out of the fast counting Retro’s count. Millis attempts a weak spear, but Whitaker counters that into a DDT that cracks Millis’ hard hat!!! Millis’ last hope, Liz Bien, runs down, but Whitaker throws Millis into the old bulldagga, who reels backwards right into a slap in the face by “Richard Nixon” and a bat to the skull by Chad Folsum!!! Then a guy dressed like an Indian named Chief Slapaho smacks her right in the mouth. The old bag appears to be dead. Millis turns around after seeing this travesty and is met with the Nipple Snapper, a Kunt Kick and a Stunner!!! Millis’ nipples are purple hamburger meat at this point. Retro again refuses to count so Whitaker, while covering Millis, locks Retro into the Katahajime and Retro feverishly taps out and inadvertently counts down Millis’ shoulders!!! Whitaker lets Retro up before he and Folsum lay the boots to Millis’ unconscious, bleeding and bruised nippled body. Whitaker smashes a wooden chair over Millis and then takes a hunk of the wood and jabs it into Millis’ forehead. He grabs the mic and nails Millis several times with it and then tells The Liberal Librarian that if he wants to keep his job at BCPL he better get down here and do what’s right. The Lib heads down and picks up the prone Millis and nails him with the Cut and Run. He tries to leave but Whitaker says, “No, more.” The Lib then delivers the Late Term Abortion!!! Millis is spitting up blood and convulsing. Whitaker says, “Partial Birth Abortion...Dude!” The Lib mildly protests but then does as asked and Millis is having Ted Kennedy like seizures. The Lib then grabs the mic and tells Tony Fanuci to come down and get him some of Millis. Fanuci grabs the mic and recounts all the “hoyible things” Millis has “foiced” him to do. Fanuci gets a few shots in, but Millis rallies and does the Nipple Snap on Fanuci and starts to beat him down. A frustrated Lib then nails both dipshits with a double Cut and Run. Whitaker looks at the Lib and says, “Give this ass clown the Cleveland Steamer.” The Lib prances about, rubs his gut and lets out a chocolate pudding splat right in the mouth of Kelly Millis!!!!

Whitaker then orders all the BCPL minions to come out and face their judgment. Whitaker fires the whole lot of them “except for the bitches who can cook, because you are now working food service. Braddock County Public Library is closed it will now be Aaron’s Amish Restaurant.” The Lib tells the nearly dead Millis (who is later airlifted to Ewing Memorial) he can be an altar boy and bottomless waiter with Fanuci at Curtis Lowe’s newly named Mount Holy Olive Peoples Temple and Inconvenient Café.

In addition, Amos Beiler recaptured the Television Championship after defeating Samuel Yoder. Rev. Dr. Curtis Eldorado Lowe, Mud Monkey and Da Crunk defeated Tyrone Jefferson Davis in a three-on-one handicap match, Ms. Shitifa and Pam Fanuci def. Breathless Aggression (Jabbajaw and Grimace Coleman), Pike def. Prince Charming, The Liberal Librarian and Yeti def. Amos Moses and Truman Marlin (The Lib attacked Yeti and Jody Boskivitz after the match), and Dale Taylor def. Captain Redneck. After the match Redneck attacked The Liberal Librarian.