Texas man facing charges for having sex with a picnic table

(East Earl, PA - East Earl Register) -- Police say a man from Braddock County, Texas who was in town campaigning for Hillary Clinton was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table. East Earl Township Police Captain Mike Miller says Jonathan Oliver Blair III, 43, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m.and noon having sex with a picnic table near Shady Maple RV. What makes this a felony, Miller says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Blair.

The informant -- who wishes to remain anonymous -- saw Blair walk out onto the deck of the newly opened An Inconvenient Bed & Breakfast, wearing a "Turd" costume, then disrobe. Then Blair stood a round metal table on its side and used the hole for the umbrella in the table to have sexual intercourse with it. "In the video we had, he was completely nude. He used the hole from the umbrella and had sex with the table," Miller says.

Police say Blair admitted to the crimes -- four charges of public indecency. Usually these sorts of things are misdemeanors, but in this case, they are felonies. Blair, in a weird, aroused state, exclaimed to The Register that the picnic table was covered in bird excrement and "was begging for my warm spooge."

"What boosts it up to a felony is that the statute says if it's likely to be viewed by a minor," Miller explains. Blair's friends did not want to talk with us, but neighbors next to An Inconvenient Bed & Breakfast sure did. Some are not happy Blair was released on his own recognizance. Some neighbors wish police would simply close the establishment down. This case has police in this small town shaking their heads. "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around," Miller says.

Upon being questioned by The Register Blair smugly responded that "the master's friend, Judge Jennings has friends around these redneck parts" and he simply walked away followed by an overwhelming rotting stench.