BCPL Institutes New "Searching" Policy

Visitors to the Braddock County Public Library will now be required to submit to mandatory bag searches upon exit of the facility. Director Kelly Millis and Library Operations Manager Inez Mitchell instituted a new search and seizure policy to combat a recent spate of DVD thefts.

"It's imperative that we crack down on theft in the library," Mitchell said. "We have tried many types of enforcement in the past with little to no success. I believe now, by searching customers, we will be able to crack down on this."

One customer we spoke with was enraged at the "Draconian invasion of privacy," and the humiliation of being searched like some common criminal." Sarah Williams Scott, cousin of Ewing Oil owner J.R. Ewing and Daughter's of the Alamo Regent, said this was the latest in a series of misteps by library administration since the hiring of Mitchell to head up the Research Services Division. "She came in with a Nazi attitude of eradicating fun in the workplace and is responsible for running off several talented employees and replacing them with dare I say, incompetent buffoons. Now she is attacking patrons of the library with more Gestapo tactics."

Mitchell brushed aside these comments from one of Braddock's most respected citizens by saying, "she's entitled to her opinion and I'm entitled to mine. No one is forcing her to use this facility. As for the employees that have left during my tenure, I am not at liberty to discuss personnel matters, but our staff is much more productive since they left and are definitely not having any fun at work, I can assure you of that."

Kelly Millis, the often unseen Library Director, told us that Mitchell has free reign in day-to-day operations of the Library. "I am typically unavailable to deal with such issues as I have to meet with council members and whatnot. I think Inez is doing a fabulous job. At least we don't have employees humiliating me on the Internet anymore. They may still be humiliating me on the Internet, but they are employed elsewhere making more money and have more responsibility, and not in my hair."

An unnamed source familiar with the situation said that the new policy is a joke and is doomed to failure. "That place is a dump and it is run by a bunch of clowns that couldn't get a job anywhere else. I have never seen such incompetence in my life. Every one of those buffoons at that joint are either clinically depressed, on medication for it, or are suicidal. Then you have this old broad that looks like a witch and used to be an old hippie stripper, don't even get me started on that dumb broad. Everybody in that library hates her guts and she has been passed over for promotion more times than her kids have passed a joint. But anyway, this policy ranks right up there with the time those idiots instituted "a locking the bathroom doors policy at lunch" so people couldn't go in them to steal DVDs. Nevermind the fact that people have to use the bathroom or there may be medical and legal issues. That policy lasted about a week after someone flashed it all over MySpace. Newsflash, if you are so concerned with them stealing the DVDs, how about just getting rid of them. There's no law that says a library has to be a video store." The source then went on to say, "of course, when you have a library that can't keep their online catalog up for twelve hours straight without it going down, you see how hard it is for them. I guess making a secretary the Library Information Systems Director wasn't that wise of an idea. But hey, any monkey can work at BCPL, just look at that new janitor they just hired."