Monkey attacks friend

BRADDOCK, Tex. — Mud the monkey, a veteran of WNWA wrestling, is the constant companion of the Rev. Dr. Bishop Curtis Eldorado Lowe who feeds him steak, lobster and ice cream.  Mud is allowed to eat at the table, drink wine from a stemmed glass, masturbate in the toilet, and dress and bathe himself.  Fellow wrestler, legal slave, and other focus of this article, Tony Fanuci is forced to eat from a trough on the ground in the front yard of Lowe’s church.

Mud brushed his teeth with a Water Pik, logged on to a computer to look at porn and channel-surfed the adult channels with the remote control.

But on Monday, the wild animal in him came out with a vengeance.

The 200-pound animal viciously molested a fellow wrestler and member of Frustrated Inc. before being tranquilized by BraddockCounty Sheriff’s deputies.

Investigators are trying to figure out why — whether it was too much porn, a reaction to alcohol (which Mud drank heavily), or a case of instinct taking over.

"It's hard to say what exactly precipitated this behavior," said Cooter Dean, a worker at the Braddock Zoo. "At the end of the day, they are not human and you can't always predict their behavior and how they or any other wild animal will respond when they feel threatened."

Mud attacked 44-year-old, virgin, Tony Fanuci as fellow members of Frustrated Inc., frantically egged Mud on for the amusement of Dr. Lowe.  Lowe was celebrating his 75th birthday with all his friends around, just in the event that his nemesis, TyronneJefferson Davis show up.  Fanuci was severely humiliated with "life-changing, if not life style changing," injuries to his mind and his nipples Sheriff’s deputies said.

Police said they are looking into the possibility of criminal charges against Lowe. A pet owner can be held criminally responsible if he or she knew or should have known that an animal was a danger to others.  Though the law is unsettled, whether legal slaves like Tony Fanuci have any legal recourse for the humiliation they endure.

In recordings of calls to 911 dispatchers released Tuesday, Mud’s grunts can be heard as an amused Pam Fanuci (Tony's mother) laughs that Mud monkey is "titty fucking my worthless fucking son, eeehhhhhh………"  Mud must be stopped before my worthless Tony gives him some sort of disease….. ehhhhhh!!!!!”. The dispatcher later asks, "Who's molesting your Tony?" "My former boyfriend’s monkey!" she laughs. "Mud made Tony take off his shirt, then rub Vaseline on his tits, eehhhh…. Then Mud made Tony wear a bra.  After that, Mud started humping Tony’s chest, ehhhhhh…….  Take your time getting here though.  I think Mud is about to climax, eehhhh….."

Unfortunately for Tony, the assault lasted about 12 more minutes after police arrived.

After police arrive, one officer radios back: "There's a lard ass down. He doesn't look good," he says, referring to Tony. "We've got to get this guy out of here. Get him to a carwash and scrub some of this Vaseline and spoog off his tits."

Deputies said that Mud was agitated earlier after watching a porn marathon on the Spice channel and after which Dr. Lowe had given Mud a half gallon of gin.

"Gin could have made Mud more aroused," if stories from college campuses are any indication, Braddock deputies said.

Dr. Lowe has built Mud a large cage in his church. He knew monkeys could be sexually deviant and therefore kept a constant stream of porn for Mud to few.  Curtis of course was amused by Mud’s sexual frustrations.

Braddock deputies, holding back laughter, have not yet indicated if Mud or Dr. Lowe will be charged for Fanuci’s sexual humiliation.

The Burdens of Work

The Burdens of Work

BRADDOCK, TX—Taking a break from surfing the web, going out for multiple cups of coffee, and missing important work deadlines, employees at Braddock County Public Library complained once again Monday about being taken for granted.

"I come in almost every day, bust my hump for like four or five hours, and what do I get? Nothing," said Grimace Coleman, one of several chronic underachievers employed by the library. "You'd think management could show us a little appreciation now and again. It's not like I particularly enjoy just sitting around here all day."

Coleman then returned to her desk and began to eat that slab of coconut cake which she so greedily took from the staff room to prevent anyone else from enjoying it.

According to sources, the 52-year-old isn't the only incompetent slob who feels undervalued. Pam Fanuci, a cataloging librarian, notorious procrastinator, and all-around liability, said that she wished she got more respect around the office.

"Ehhhh....., a simple thank-you from the higher-ups would be nice, ehhhhh...." said Fanuci, who spends nearly 80 percent of her work week making personal calls from her desk. "Yesterdaaay I stayed 5 minutes late in order to finish up some work I've been putting off, and nobody even noticed. Ehhhhh....."

Added Fanuci, "Ehhhh..... I don't know how much longer I can keep killing myself like this, eeeehhh....."

In addition to receiving praise for their hard work, the inept and often neglectful staff members said they'd like to see a number of new incentives introduced. Among them, a larger and more comfortable break room where employees can go unwind, longer extensions on overdue projects, and the option of working from home on Fridays and possibly also Mondays.

"This place would fall apart without me," said routinely absent project coordinator Amy Hctib. "I'm the only one around here who actually knows how to use the popcorn maker, and I almost always remember to wash my mug in the sink after I'm done using it. Plus, I show up to meetings only like a minute or two late."

"Honestly now," Hctib continued. "They're lucky I just don't pack up my things and leave."

Despite feelings of frustration, employees at the library have yet to bring their misplaced concerns and unfounded complaints directly to management. Instead, many choose to air their grievances by making passive- aggressive comments beneath their breath, setting aside important assignments in favor of reading gossip columns, and sneaking out several times each week to grab a "much- deserved drink."

"Our Christmas party this year was the last straw for me," said Donna Shakes, whose early departures to attend a scrapbooking class have resulted in the library losing two separate grants. "Some crappy Secret Santa thing, a bowl of punch, and a box of Archway cookies and they call it a holiday bash? We're the heart and soul of this library, for Christ's sake."

While no one has come forward as of yet, management at Braddock County Public Library is reportedly aware of its employees' reticence to work and prepared to take action.

"We've already tried buying everyone some coffee and free generic brand cookies, but so far nothing's worked," Director Kelly Millis said. "I wish I could just fire the entire staff for being so incompetent, but between going on vacation and running around trying to find a second man-slave, I'm really only in the office a couple of days a year."