Former 5th Circuit Court of Appeals Justice William J. Jenning's arrest Thursday on prostitution, wiretapping and invasion of privacy charges is the latest chapter in "one sad tale," the lawyer for the man who triggered the investigation said.
"I feel bad for everybody that this behavior had to take place and smear so many people," said Tayloe Q. Anderton, the county's chief public defender. "I feel bad for everybody who got blemished."
Anderton represents Tony Fanuci, 42, a former housemate of Jennings's who accused the 75-year-old Judge of “raping my ass” in March.
State police said Fanuci was lying about the rape, because he is a slave and has no legal rights -- he is free on $25,000 bail awaiting trial in county court on a false-reports charge -- but his accusation prompted the wider seven-month investigation that culminated in Jennings's arrest.
The criminal charges aren't the only legal woes for Jennings, a Democrat who served as a justice for more than 30 years before being removed in another sex-scandal in April.
Two other men are suing him in county court, claiming he invaded their privacy by secretly recording them engaging in sex acts at his home.
Their attorney, Spanos T. Lattas, said he doesn't expect Jennings's arrest to greatly affect the lawsuits.
"I've always viewed these two matters as completely separate" from the criminal proceedings, Lattas said.
Jennings once had a sterling reputation as a government leader, a philanthropist and the founder of a successful video production firm (that has since been discovered to be a pornographic video service). But that deteriorated rapidly during the sex-laced criminal investigation.
The charges against him include three felonies. They carry possible prison terms of up to 48 years and fines totaling $113,500, according to the attorney general's office, which is prosecuting the case.
According to an affidavit, Jennings used hidden cameras scattered throughout his home to make 176 secret recordings of 13 men engaged in sex acts or in stages of undress at his home, of hacking the computer of a man who was living with him, and of hiring male and female prostitutes on nearly a weekly basis.
The arrest affidavit said Jennings installed secret cameras in a bathroom, bedrooms and elsewhere in his home. The cameras were hidden inside radios, motion detectors and intercom speakers.
Jennings allegedly gave Fanuci a laptop computer on which Jennings had installed software that sent e-mails to Jenning’s documenting Fanuci’s e-mails, chats, keystrokes and Internet usage.
"The charges are extremely serious, so we will be looking at how we want to proceed," said Mike Groves, Jennings's lawyer.
Jennings, who was instructed by Groves not to comment on the charges, surrendered at District Judge Wabash’s Pride, TX office to be arraigned. He was freed on $25,000 unsecured bail pending a preliminary hearing scheduled for next week.
"William is doing well," Groves said. "We were aware that these charges were coming."
Former WNWA World Heavyweight Champion Joseph Paynter (AKA The Liberal Librarian) had little comment on Jennings's arrest.
"He's not a Frustrated Inc. employee anymore, brother" said Paynter, a Democrat who was a close associate with Jennings since 2004. "These things are unrelated to the group and to Libtown, jack!"
In arrest papers, a Trooper said Jennings admitted that starting in January 2007 he had recorded other men engaging in sex via cameras hidden in radios, motion detectors and intercom systems in a bathroom, bedrooms and recreation areas at his house.
The images were fed into Jennings's computer system, the trooper said. He said Jennings also admitted to regularly hiring male prostitutes.
Police executed warrants to seize computers, video disks and other items from Jennings's home.
The trooper said police found 176 video clips that depicted men who were nude or who were engaging in sex acts. Many of those men, were interviewed and said they didn't realize they had been recorded, the trooper said. He said three told him Jennings had given them money for sex.
It was also determined that Jennings had installed spyware on a computer he bought for Fanuci so he could secretly monitor the man's online activity, the trooper said.
Friday, October 31, 2008
WNWA Final Fury
WNWA Final Fury, Libtown in Pride, TX. A little background on how we got here. Earlier this year, The Liberal Librarian and his separatist cult fled Braddock after Judge Jennings was arrested and disbarred. They managed to get Jennings out of jail and fled into the hinterlands of West Texas. As Frustrated Inc. held most of the WNWA titles, the WNWA went into hiatus. President J.R. Ewing, with a team of high-powered lawyers, has managed to negotiate a deal with The Liberal Librarian to allow the WNWA titles to be defended on a PPV, but it had to be held at Libtown. So, this is what happened at WNWA Final Fury.
Ronald Martin: The following contest is a Cakefarts Fracas sponsored by Cakefarts.com. The winner of the match has to smash his opponents face into one of the cakes surrounding the ring after farting and erotically grinding on it. Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by Retro, from High Point, NC, Kelly Millis!!! And his opponent, accompanied by The Turd and Mud Monkey, Tony Fanuci!!!
The bell rings and the two circle around the ring until they lockup. The two manage to lock each other in the Greco-Roman Nipple Twist but Fanuci snaps Kelly’s nipps and locks on a headlock, but Kelly shoves him off only to be shoulder blocked down to the mat. They separate and Fanuci allows Kelly to get back up. They lockup again and this time Kelly gets in a headlock, but he gets shoulder blocked down for a second time. Once again, Kelly is given a chance to get back up. Kelly teases a test of strength, but kicks Fanuci in the balls and delivers numerous right hand shots. As Kelly backs away and begins grinding on one of the cakes, Fanuci grabs The Fruit by the throat and hurls him into the corner. The Manservant then strikes Kelly with numerous boxing blows to various parts of Kelly’s body. Fanuci then connects with a massive clothesline, and drops his drawers and lets out a putrid blast on one of the cakes. Fanuci proceeds to work on the Fruit’s arm and signals for the Cake Fart, but Kelly stops him by delivering a punch to the dick. Kelly tries an Irish Whip, but Fanuci weighs too much and he reverses it and proceeds to charge at the Fruit with a running big boot, but Kelly dodges it and Fanuci’s foot gets caught up in the turnbuckle and goes groin first. Mud Monkey begins throwing some of the cakes and is visibly aroused and The Turd plays the muted trumpet. As Fanuci makes it back to his feet, Kelly connects with a chop block. Kelly now begins to work on the left leg. Not long after however, Fanuci shoves Kelly off and both men clothesline each other down. Both men get up and take it to each other with right hand shots. Fanuci appears to get the better however as he takes Kelly down after a couple of shots. Fanuci takes a dump on another cake and then goes for the big boot following a Snake Eyes, but receives a knee to the face instead. The Fruit tries to put Fanuci’s face in a freshly shat upon cake, but Fanuci fights him off. The cultists are getting a bit anxious and David Downs begins ramming his head into the ring post. Kelly attempts a facebuster into a cake, but he is catapulted into the turnbuckle. Letravis Gorman is in the corner doing the Torque and Twist as the cult crowd is in an absolute frenzy. Fanuci gets back up and he strikes Kelly down with a big boot followed by a Thunderlips leg drop, brother. Fanuci covers, but pinfalls don’t count. Fanuci goes up top, but Kelly trips his leg and Kelly manages to connect with a Super-Plex onto a cake, but it is not face first. As Fanuci makes it to his feet, Kelly twists his titties and snaps Fanuci’s nipples. Fanuci screams in agony and Kelly clotheslines him over the ropes, but Fanuci lands on his feet. Mud Monkey then runs over to Fanuci and snaps his nipples!! Fanuci screams again. Kelly tries to go attack him, but Fanuci pulls the Fruit out of the ring and eventually sends him crashing into the steel steps. Fanuci then sets Kelly up on the apron and connects with a leg drop to the throat. After another near Cakefart, Fanuci signals for The Salumeria (Salami Superkick) which he nails. Fanuci has diarrhea all over a cake and as he lifts Kelly up, the Fruit counters with a reverse neckbreaker. The Fruit sets Fanuci up for an Irish Whip, but gets knocked down after a flying clothesline. Fanuci signals for a chokeslam into a cake. He grabs Kelly by the throat and sends him to the ropes but Kelly hits a Spinebuster. Fanuci no sells and Kelly punches at him, but Fanuci grabs him by throat again. As Kelly is lifted in the air, he gets back down and attempts a Prostate Massage!!! The Liberal Librarian charges to the ring and performs the Cleveland Steamer on one of the cakes. He then sneaks up behind Kelly who has locked Fanuci in the Prostate Massage and nails him with the Cut and Run right into the diarrhea despoiled cake!!!! Fanuci flops over and then smashes Kelly’s head into the cake a second time. The Referee calls for the bell and Fanuci has won!!! A groggy Fanuci raises his arms, then does a Ric Flair flop into the cake!!! The Turd then plays the muted trumpet.
RM: Here is your winner, Tony Fanuci!!!
RM: The following contest is a six-man tag match: Rev. Dr. Curtis Lowe & Da Noo Brothas (Malik Monroe and Eugene Washington) vs. Dale Taylor, Eustus Fraley & Tyrone Jefferson DavisCurtis Lowe's music hits, and I think that's my cue to start drinking the "holy water." Curtis and da Noo Brothers, Malik Monroe and Eugene Washington make their way down the ramp and climb into the ring before Lowe grabs the microphone. Lowe breaks into "I ain't gonna be eatin no jelly, yoo blak nigga foo!! Tyrone gonna eat my ass!" Curtis then began singing his newest hymn, “Nigga Style” (sung to the tune of “Will the Circle be Unbroken?”). Luckily the Supremacists’ music soon hit, and they along with Tyrone Jefferson Davis (carrying a Confederate flag) make their way to the ring. The bell rings. Taylor and Malik Monroe circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Taylor quickly switches to a standing rear hammer lock on Malik, but Malik makes it to the ropes to force the break. Taylor and Malik circle each other for a second time before locking each other up in a second collar-and-elbow tie-up. Taylor quickly switches to a standing rear hammer lock, but this time Malik reverses in to a standing rear hammer lock of his own. Malik muscles Taylor down to the mat, but Taylor fights back up to his feet and breaks the hold with a sweet flipping snap mare takedown. Taylor charges at Malik and Malik tries to give him a back body drop over the top rope, but Taylor floats over and lands on his feet on the ring apron. Malik hurriedly tags Eugene. Taylor tags Eustis. Both combatants lock up. Eustus spins around and takes a swing at Washington, but Washington blocks the punch. Eustis tries to hip toss Washington back over the top rope, but Washington counters into a deep arm drag takedown on Eustus. Eustus gets back to his feet, but Washington catches him with a second deep arm drag takedown. Washington maintains his hold on Eustus's arm, but Eustus fights back to his feet. Washington switches to an arm bar on Eustus, guides him over to the corner, tags Malik into the match, and holds Eustus as Malik climbs into the ring and gives Eustus an elbow shot to the shoulder.Washington climbs out onto the ring apron as Malik gives Eustus four punches to the shoulder. Curtis pats Washington's shoulders and jaws to fans "We gonna rape doz whiteys Nigga Style"!! Malik applies an arm wringer to Eustus, gives him another elbow shot to the shoulder, switches to a standing rear hammer lock, guides him over to the corner, and slams him shoulder-first into the top turnbuckle. Eustus is out on his feet. Curtis seeing a opportunithy demands to be tagged in. Malik with a puzzled look tags in the 75 year old wrestling reverund. Curtis points at Tyrone and says "dis iz gwine to be yo' ass!" Curtis then hits Eustus in the face. Eustus looks up. Curtis hits him again. Eustus looks quite angry and no longer groggy. Curtis hurriedly tags Washington and darts out of the ring.Washington gives Eustus yet another elbow shot to the shoulder followed by more punches to the shoulder before applying another arm wringer and again driving his elbow into Eustus's shoulder. Washington takes Eustus over with a snap mare takedown and applies a rear chin lock. Eustus begins to fight back to his feet, so Washington releases the hold and gives Eustus a clubbing forearm shot to the back. Washington drags Eustus back to his feet, whips him to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and drops his head to telegraph the back body drop, so Eustus puts on the brakes and gives Washington a head butt to the back of the head. Eustus drags Washington back to his feet, drags him over to the corner, pauses as he looks at Tyrone Jefferson Davis. He then tags Tyrone into the match, (Eustus wipes his hands on his torn Jack Daniels t-shirt). Davis climbs into the ring and gives Washington a head butt.Tyrone then stomps on Washington's head before giving him the "dildozer" (a double ax-handle shot to the back of the head). Tyrone refuses to go for the pin. Instead, he drags Washington back to his feet, gives him a scoop slam, and once again stomps on his head. Tyrone drags Washington back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, slaps Washington across the chest to tag him into the match, and holds Washington as Taylor climbs into the ring. Tyrone and Taylor give Washington a double head butt and Tyrone climbs out onto the ring apron. Taylor covers Washington but only gets a two count before Tyrone kicks out. Taylor slings Washington in the corner and runs in for the clothesline. Washington gets his foot up at the last second, nearly knocking Taylor's head off. Washington goes to his corner and tags in Malik. Malik gives Taylor three mounted punches, pulls him over to the corner, slaps him across the face. A dazed Taylor falls down face first. Malik drags Taylor back to his feet and slams his head into the top turnbuckle. Taylor crumbles to the mat, but Malik drags him back to his feet and applies the "dropped soap" (Cobra Clutch). Taylor breaks the hold with two elbow shots to Malik's gut, but Malik fights back with a clubbing forearm shot to Taylor's back. Malik drags Taylor back to his feet, whips him to the corner, and charges after him, but Taylor just manages to slide out of the way. Malik slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle as Taylor dives across the ring and tags Tyrone into the match.Tyrone climbs into the ring and levels Malik with a running clothesline. Washington runs into the ring and misses a clothesline. Tyrone delivers an uppercut, bounces off the ropes and delivers the "ass-blaster" (formerly known as the Drive-by). Malik springs back up to his feet, but Eustus immediately levels him with a running clothesline. Eustus heads over to the corner to grab Curtis but the Reverend throws salt in his face, blinding the hillbilly. Curtis grabs an empty liquor bottle and shatters it over Eustus's head knocking him out cold. Eustus instinctively rolls out of the ring. Meantime, Tyrone sets Washington up for the "Tossed Salad" but out of the ringside, Mud-Monkey runs into the ring and grabs Tyrone's leg and begins biting him. Tyrone clubs Mud with a meathook but is cold-cocked by Malik. Curtis orders his men to hold Tyrone because "itz time to eat sum ass!" Curtis pulls down his pants and begins backing up toward Tyrone's semi-conscious face.
Out of nowhere, Taylor nails Malik and Washington with the Confederate flag pole. Tyrone gives the "five knuckle nut-buster" to the Reverend. As Curtis doubles over in pain, Tyrone nails Curtis with a devastating "Tossed Salad" with Curtis's pants still around his ankles. Tyrone picks up a jar of mint jelly that rolls out of Curtis's pants. Then, Tyrone takes off his pants and pours the jelly all over his ass and sits on Curtis giving him the ass-face with mint jelly. It's now aJabberjawmic folks. The ref counts one-two-three. Tyrone pins his former mentor. Taylor helps a groggy Eustus into the ring. The Supremacists and Tyrone celebrate their victory. Tyrone waves the flag of Freedom, the glorious "Stars and Bars" as Curtis and crew rolls out of the ring in a shameful defeat. A barely lucid Curtis with mint “ass jelly” is moaning how he "hates jellllyyyyyyy...!!!!"
RM: Here are your winners, Dale Taylor, Eustus Fraley, and Tyrone Jefferson Davis!!!
RM: The following contest is for the Texas Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, accompanied by Mrs. Fanuci, the champion, Antonio “Da Crunk” Davis!! And his opponent, making his WNWA return, accompanied to the ring by Bobby The Chunk, now weighing 205 lbs., fATAS!!!!
Da Crunk came to the ring hanging all over Mrs. Fanuci and mouthing to the camera, “Ah, yeah! The prize, bitches. You know you want dis!! You ass just jealous!” fATAS is disgusting: skinny, stretch mark covered with flab and mounds of skin flopping all over the place. fATAS and Crunk locked up and Crunk backed fATAS into the ropes and gave a clean break. They locked up again and fATAS got Crunk in the roeps and fATAS hit a knee to the gut and then some right hands. fATAS hit a reverse elbow knockdown and then kicked Crunk on the mat before hitting some chops in the corner. Crunk came back with a kick to the knee and then some right hands but fATAS came back with more chops to the chest.fATAS hit a snap suplex and dropkick for two and then worked over his shoulder in the ropes. Crunk wrenched on the arm of fATAS, but fATAS came back with a leg lace takedown and then went for a baseball slide through the ropes, but Crunk moved and sent him into the ring post. Crunk got back in and tried to take off the top turnbuckle pad, but fATAS came in behind him and sent him down with a German Suplex. fATAS hit some knees and chops in the ropes, and then scored with a Northern Lights Suplex for two. Crunk took over with elbows to the back of the neck and then stomped him on the mat.fATAS came back with chops but Crunk hit a hard clothesline to take fATAS down. Crunk went back to working on the shoulder of fATAS and locked in a short arm scissors on the canvas. Crunk then locked in an arm bar as the fans got behind fATAS. fATAS fought out with forearm shots but then walked into a dropkick from Crunk. fATAS and Crunk traded right hands on the canvas and then Crunk went back to working the arm and shoulder area. fATAS came back and went for the Sharpshooter, but Crunk kicked him off. fATAS hit some more chops to the chest but Crunk hit a right hand and went back to the shoulder.fATAS hit some right hands to get Crunk away from his shoulder, but Crunk scored with a swinging neck breaker for two. Crunk punched fATAS right in the neck and covered for two before hitting a reverse elbow for another two count. Orlando locked in a surfboard as fATAS screamed in pain. fATAS fought out but Crunk took him down with a slam and then headed up top but fATAS crotched him. fATAS hit some chops on Crunk and then went up and took him down with a superplex and both men are down. fATAS hit some forearm knock downs, followed by a back body drop and then an elbow before going for the Sharpshooter, but Crunk kicked him away again.fATAS hit a suplex, but Crunk blocked the second and went for a standing switch but fATAS reversed and hit a DDT. fATAS went up top and came off with a big splash for a near fall. fATAS chopped away at Crunk in the corner, and then sent him into the buckle, but Crunk's head collided with fATAS's on impact. Crunk removed the turnbuckle pad, but fATAS shoved him head first into the exposed turnbuckle and covered for the win!!!
RM: Here is your winner and NEWWWW Texas Heavyweight Champion, fATAS!!!
RM: The following contest is for the Texas Tag Team Championship. Introducing first, representing Frustrated Inc., Billy Bell and Poor Mike Skills, they are Bells Palsy!! And their opponents, Kevin Coleman and Del Rey Preddy, the Texas Tag Team Champions, the Confederate Cripplers!!
The bell rings and we start with Coleman and Skills. They lock up and Skills gets a headlock on Coleman. Skills connects with a quick suplex on Coleman and then with a few underhooks. Bell gets the tag and Skills and Bell take out Coleman with repeated kicks. Bell connects with a big boot to Coleman's gut and then lifts him over his back by his chin and drops him back down. Coleman comes back sending Bell into the corner and tags in Del Rey Preddy. Preddy gets in a few elbows on Bell, but Bell slams Preddy hard and follows it up with a boot to the face. Bell attempts a cover but only gets a two count. He makes the tag to Skills and Bell drops Preddy over his knee and Skills springboards off the top rope connecting with a knee to the head. Skills locks in a body submission on Preddy against the ropes. He slides under with a rollup on Preddy but Preddy kicks out and Skills goes right to the side headlock. Preddy tags in Coleman and the Cripplers drop Skills over their knees. Coleman then applies a sleeper on Skills to keep him down.Skills pushes Coleman towards Bell who breaks it up with a kick and Bell gets the tag. Bell levels Coleman with a big right hand, charges in the corner and a big side slam. Bell goes up to the top rope and takes out Coleman with a flying clothesline. Preddy makes the blind tag and he takes out Bell with a big neckbreaker. Preddy connects with some ground and pound offense on Bell and then tags in Coleman. Coleman connects with some kicks to Bell and then a big charge in the corner. Quick tag back to Preddy who puts a knee to the chin of Bell. He makes a quick tag to Coleman. Coleman gets in a few kicks and applies a chinlock on Bell. Bell connects with a huge big boot on Coleman. Both men make tags to their partners. Skills takes out Preddy with some big spin kicks and knocks Coleman off the ring apron. Skills connects with a powerslam on Preddy but only gets a two count. Skills knees Preddy then nails him with a knee to the head in the corner and a bulldog on Preddy while clotheslining Coleman on the ring apron at the same time! Skills leaps over the top rope taking out Coleman. He springboards back in off the top rope and takes out Preddy with a flying clothesline, covers, but only gets a two count. Skills attempts a stunner but Coleman breaks it up. Skills then dodges a kick from Preddy but Coleman grabs Skills's leg from under the ropes and Bell suplexes Coleman on the outside. In the ring, Preddy nails Skills with a twisting neckbreaker, covers and gets the pinfall.
RM: Your winners, and still Texas Tag Team Champions, The Confederate Cripplers!!!
RM: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, Amish Amos Beiler!!! And his opponent, The Turd!!!
The bell rings and The Turd and Amos lock up. The Turd backs Amos to the corner and the referee breaks it up. The referee pushes The Turd back. The Turd disdainfully farts on the ref. He then steps forward with a knee to the gut and then a headlock on Amos taking the action to the mat. The Turd connects with a big shoulder block on Amos. Amos gets in some kicks followed by a big forearm takedown. Amos connects with a dropkick that sends The Turd out of the ring through the ropes. Amos nails The Turd with a suicide dive through the ropes! Amos tosses him back in the ring, goes to the top turnbuckle, jumps, hits a cross-body but The Turd quickly kicks out. Amos comes off the ropes and Blair catches him with a big shoulder block. Jonathan Oliver Blair III connects with some big right hands on Amos in the corner. Amos catches The Turd with a boot in the corner. Amos is back up top when Blair cuts him off with a shot to the back. The Turd grabs Amos and connects with a fallaway slam from the top rope! Hook of the leg by Blair but Amos kicks out after two. The Turd connects with a shot to the back. Amos sits back up and The Turd gives him another shot to the back.Amos gets to his feet and The Turd levels him with a big right hand. The Turd sends him in with an Irish whip to the corner on Amos. The Turd then applies a modified erotic bearhug trying to weaken Amos. Amos attempts a few elbows to break free. Amos breaks free and lands a few kicks on The Turd. The Turd connects with a big boot on Amos from the corner. He follows that up with another boot to the head on the ground, hook of the leg and Amos kicks out. The Turd connects with a forearm to the back on Amos followed by a quick back suplex. Another cover but Amos again kicks out. The Turd locks in an abdominal stretch on Amos and humps him from behind. Amos counters with a hip toss on to break up the abdominal stretch/male rape. Amos follows with a high knee to the head followed by a bulldog from the corner. He attempts a Scrappler, but The Turd counters off and levels Amos with a big clothesline. He drops a few Turdbows over Amos, covers but Amos kicks out. They then exchange punches. Amos connects with some slaps and then a kick to the head. Amos makes the cover but The Turd kicks out. Amos connects with a springboard, but The Turd catches him and connects with a Turdslam that results in a two count.The Turd argues with the referee that it was a three count. He raises his arm and gets cheered. He goes for the Turd From Hell when Amos counters with a dropkick to the face. Amos with another high knee in the corner, attempts another bulldog, but The Turd counters and places Amos back up on the top turnbuckle. He lands numerous forearm shots to the back on Amos. He climbs up with Amos and connects with a big back suplex off the top! The back of Amos's head is busted open after colliding with The Turd's head earlier. Amos counters a clothesline attempt from The Turd and connects with the Scrappler! Amos covers and gets the pinfall!!!
RM: Your winner, Amos Beiler!!!
After the match, a beaten Turd has the sick look of pleasure that he gets from pain as he meanders back to his cabin while holding his “dookie stick.”
RM: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the National Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, Triple K!!! and his opponent, he is the National Heavyweight Champion, The Lummox!!!
The bell rings and Triple K and The Lummox have a stare down. Lummox shoves Triple K away. Triple K comes back with a few right hands. Triple K keeps the right hands up dodging shots from Lummox. Triple K attempts a Pettigrew early on, but Lummox fights out, slaps his arms around the neck of Triple K, lifts him up and slams him down. Lummox taunts and the cultists cheer. Lummox applies the Vice Grip on Triple K. Triple K gets in a few kicks to break it up and then connects with a chop block taking Lummox to the ground. Lummox rolls out of the ring and recovers near the announce table when Triple K walks out towards him. Lummox catches Triple K wtih a chop to the head levelling Triple K. Lummox sends Triple K into the ring bell area and then sends Triple K back into the ring. Lummox kicks Triple K in the corner and then follows that up with a few elbow shots. Triple K falls to the mat from the corner as Lummox taunts some more. Lummox with a pinfall attempt while standing over Triple K. Triple K kicks out. Lummox then applies pressure to the shoulder of Triple K. Lummox picks up Triple K on his shoulder and then slams him down with force. Lummox with a leg drop on Triple K and Triple K barely gets a shoulder up. Lummox goes back to work on the shoulder of Triple K. Triple K gets to his feet, lands a few shots to the chest of Lummox and then some right hands to the head. Triple K with a knee to the face on Lummox. Lummox gets tied up in the ropes when he falls back. Triple K then charges at Lummox and Lummox gets a boot up to stop Triple K. Lummox breaks free from the ropes, Triple K attempts a Pettigrew, but Lummox launches Triple K over his back over the top rope to the outside. Triple K then trips up Lummox from the outside and drives his leg into the steel ring post. Triple K walks across the ring apron towards Lummox and Lummox slaps Triple K over the chest sending him to the ground right away. Triple K rolls back into the ring favoring his chest.Lummox comes back into the ring, Triple K charges and Lummox gets another Vice Grip applied. Triple K with some body shots on Lummox, but Lummox won't let go. Lummox keeps the Vice Grip applied when Triple K somehow breaks free. Lummox launches Triple K into the corner. Triple K dodges a splash, kick to the gut, attempts a Pettigrew and connects. Triple K turns Lummox over, hooks the leg and gets the pinfall.
Your winner and NEW National Heavyweight Champion, Triple K!!!
RM: The following match is the final match in the best of seven series. This contest is a parking lot brawl. Introducing first, Prince Charming!! And his opponent, Pike!!
The match was held in a dirt parking lot behind the main Mount Holy Olive Peoples Temple pavilion. There were several cars and trucks parked in a circle. Charming's limo pulled up and he got out wearing a suit and carrying a tire iron. Charming called out for Pike and looked around for him. Charming stood on the hood of a car. A car engine revved and Pike drove a car into the car that Charming was standing on. Charming climbed onto the hood of the car as Pike slammed into the car. Pike slammed the hood of a car on Charming and then hooked his nuts up to a pair of jumper cables. Pike touched the other end of the cables to the car battery and it sparked, while Charming shook while his testicles were being fried. After a comeback, Charming hit Pike with punches and slammed his head onto the hood of a car. They stood on the hood of a car and Charming hit Pike with a spinning neckbreaker for a nearfall. Later, Charming placed Pike in the backseat of a car and slammed the door shut. He walked over to his limo and grabbed a gas can. Charming doused Pike's car with gas and pulled out a lighter while the ref pleaded with him to stop. Charming lit the car on fire and the referee started yelling, "Fire!" With the car engulfed in flames, several workers Preddyed up and used fire extinguishers to put the fire out. Once the fire was out, Pike climbed out unscathed and attacked Charming. He put Charming in the front seat of a car, and then sat down behind the wheel of a forklift. He slammed the forklift into the car and lifted it into the air with Charming still inside. Pike drove the forklift and the car into the arena. Charming stumbled out of the car and Pike attacked him on the stage. Pike dominated Charming. He stood over him and delivered a brutal fist drop. When Charming got to his feet, Pike picked him up for the Shuicide. He looked at the car he brought out with the forklift. He walked toward the car, but Charming fought off Pike and then threw him through the windshield. Charming covered Pike on top of the car and scored the pin to win the series 4-3!!! Charming had to be helped to the back by two referees. Pike was still lying on the car and his arms were cut from the glass. The refs tried to help him, but he brushed them off and walked on his own.
RM: Here is your winner, Prince Charming!!!
Hillary comes to the pavilion and approaches an obviously drugged Liberal Librarian who is sitting on his throne like chair. The Lib praises her and the cultists cheer wildly. Hillary then begins campaigning for Obama, which shocks The Lib. The Lib nails Hillary with the Cut and Run and then begins a madman rant about “Uncle Tombama.”
RM: The following contest is a Fatal 4 way match for the WNWA Women's Championship. The competitors are Grimace, Pam Fanuci, Antoinette Fanuci, and the Women’s Champion Amelia!!!Grimace and Amelia start. Right hands by the behemoth knocks Amelia off balance. Amelia counters a whip and hits a reverse elbow. Amelia tags in Pam. As Pam was yelling at Amelia because she was being told to do more work than she originally anticipated Grimace seizes on her distraction. With the arena shaking Grimace runs in the corner and hits a clothesline. Pam falls down in the corner and Grimace gets ready for the stinkcrotchface, but Pam explodes out of the corner with a clothesline. Antoinette makes a blind tag. Uppercuts by Antoinette and she tries to whip Grimace. Grimace counters and hits an avalanche drop!!! Grimace, breathing very heavily, barely makes it to Amelia and makes a tag. Amelia is blindsided, Antoinette then drops the leg across Amelia. Amelia in the corner and Antoinette backs dat ass up. Amelia puts on the chokehold, but Antoinette punches out. Antoinette whipped and Amelia hits a big boot followed by a scoop slam. Amelia goes to the top rope and hits a flying clothesline.
Antoinette stumbles to the corner and tags Pam. Grimace tags herself back in and Pam meets her with a chicken salad sandwich with her right hands. Boot to the face by Pam, but Grimace comes up swinging. Pam knocks her down then covers for a near fall. Grimace in the corner and Pam clotheslines her. Back elbow by Grimace on a Pam charge. Grimace grabs Pam's arm and hits old school. Pam jumps right up and fights back with right hands. Double clothesline and both old bags go down. Both old bags get back up and Pam gets three right hands. Pam hits a swinging neckbreaker and Grimace gets right back up. More right hands by Pam in the corner. Pam hits a DDT and covers, but Antoinette breaks the count at two. Amelia comes in and Grimace and Pam fight to the outside. Pam uses the ringbell to knock Grimace down. In the ring, Amelia hits the spinebuster then waits for Antoinette to get up. Grimace comes in from behind and attacks Amelia with a chokeslam. Pam leaves the ring, she says it's time forher chicken salad break and goes up the ramp. Grimace gets up and picks Amelia up for the "Last Meal". Out of no where an enraged, fan wearing a vagina with a tampon costume charges in the ring and nails Grimace with a crescent kick. Grimace backs up and trips on Antoinette’s prone, beached body, falling backwards, breaking Grimace’s toe!! Amelia seizing the moment covers Grimace for the quick 1, 2, 3, and wins!!!
RM: Here is your winner Amelia!!
Amelia walks over to the fan to shake her hand. The fan takes off the tampon to reveal Tony Fanuci whose face is still covered with ass-cake. Fanuci is holding an engagement ring. Amelia immediately turns around and leaves the arena. While Fanuci is pleading for Amelia to love his "ass", Fanuci is pancaked by Antoinette and Grimace at the same time for his part in Amelia's win.The two gargantuans drag Tony's body into the corner. Antoinette from the opposite corner runs full speed into Fanuci delivering a devastating "Hershey Highway". Grimace follows suit with the "Shitface." The Turd approaches the ring to play the trumpet to highlight Tony's humiliation. As Grimace waddles up the ramp she is confronted by Jabberjaw and the two stare down. They finally embrace and then attack the Fanucis!! After the match a breathless Jabberjaw struggles mightily to blurt out that they are a tag team called Breathless Toothless Aggression and are challenging the Confederate Cripplers to a tag team match right now!!
The music of the Cripplers hit as they made their way to the ring. Preddy and Coleman cornered the champs on the outside and then tossed Grimace in the ring and hammered the mastodon with right hands. Grimace was a trapped whale as Coleman nailed her with an uppercut. Coleman sent Grimace to the corner and gave the behemoth some huge uppercuts and then choked away at her. Coleman hit a clothesline in the corner, and went for another but Grimace got her massive boot up but further injured her broken hoof. The gargantuan Grimace hit a clothesline and tagged in Jabberjaw.Coleman hit Jabberjaw with an uppercut and then sent her into the boot of Preddy before tagging him in. Preddy silenced the crowd and chopped Jabberjaw hard in the corner. Preddy hammered away at Jabberjaw with boots and right hands, and then nailed the old bag with another huge chop. Preddy hit a boot to the face and then Jabberjaw raked the eyes and Grimace tagged in. Grimace went for a whip but that was no good and Preddy chopped Grimace in the corner and then gave the purple mass a headbutt. Preddy scored with yet another chop, and then stood on Grimace before tagging in Coleman. Coleman choked Grimace but she raked the eyes and tagged Jabberjaw. Coleman hit a boot to the sternum and then went up top.Jabberjaw cut him off but Coleman shoved him down and then Grimace came up and shoved Coleman to the outside. Grimace and Jabberjaw then hit the Sweet and Sour on Coleman on the outside. Back in the ring and Jabberjaw choked away at Coleman as the referee was busy with Preddy. Grimace tagged in and hammered away at Coleman before locking in a half nelson. Coleman drove Grimace into the corner but Jabberjaw tagged in and they worked Coleman over and Grimace hit an atomic drop followed by a Jabberjaw neckbreaker. Coleman sat up but Jabberjaw clotheslined him back down. Coleman grabbed Jabberjaw by the throat and then hit a boot and clothesline to the champs. Coleman tagged in Preddy who hit clotheslines and headbutts to both massively obese sows. Preddy whipped Grimace into Jabberjaw and then hit the splash on Jabberjaw but Grimace moved. Coleman went up top and hit the flying clothesline on Grimace and then sent her to the outside. Preddy and Coleman then hit a double chokeslam on Jabberjaw and it’s over!
RM: Here are your winners, The Confederate Cripplers!!!
The Lib entered the ring and scowled and soaked up the cheers from his adoring cultists. He grabbed the mic and threatened the cultists to get involved in this match and to cheer loudly. He then berated all the members of Frustrated Inc. for losing their matches.
The Lib: “Listen ups minions. Many of you are wondering why I chose to finallydefend my title against this inbred hayseed. Let me tell you dudes. I'm tired of taking all this harassment from JR's lawyers, dude. I'm not worried about defeating this conservative, bra, because I'm the chosen one, brother. I'll use my supernatural powers against this retard, dude. Science has deemed me the world's savior, jack. But Ihave the upper hand, Libomaniacs. JR had to make a few concessions of his own, brother. When I win, I will not be required to defend the title for 4 years dude. Long enough time get my beloved in the White House, dude. Even though I had to cut and run Hillary, jack, she will be back. In four years, after that blue-gummed racist pickaninny Obama runs the country into the ground and has us all longing for the salad days of Jimmy Carter and W., Hillary will defeat that fuck for the Democratic nomination, brother, and Liberalmania will live forever, JACK!!”
RM: The following no-disqualification contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the World Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, the champion, The Liberal Librarian!!! And his opponent, Captain Redneck!!!
CR came out wearing a tank top, jeans, and boots. His left arm was heavily taped. CR charged at The Lib. He took his boot off and struck The Lib with it early, opening a nasty cut. The Lib got the upper hand by raking CR’s face and throwing him over the top rope.The Lib went outside the ring and set up a table at ringside. He tried to powerbomb CR through the table, but CR punched him in the head and The Lib fell backward but dropped CR face first on the ring apron. After getting back to his feet, The Lib attempted to suplex CR off the ring apron through the table, but he couldn't muster the strength. CR then tossed The Lib through the table. Redneck threw The Lib back in the ring and set him up for the B2B. He teased it and then stopped even though he could have hit the move. He looked at The Lib and shook his head no. The announcers explained that he hadn't dished out enough punishment. The Lib took over after The Lummox charged into the ring and he and The Lib doubled teamed CR. The Turd came to the ring and gave CR Dookey Love!!! The Lib nailed the Cut and Run and then applied the Crossface Leftwing. Redneck reached the ropes, but The Lib wouldn't break the hold. CR reached underneath the ring and grabbed a fire extinguisher and then sprayed it at The Lib to break the hold. CR chased The Lummox and The Turd from the ring, then took control of the match and beat up The Lib at ringside.The Turd ran back out to help The Lib, but CR cut him off with a couple of punches in the aisle. The Turd ran at Redneck again and punched his injured arm. The Turd then clotheslined CR. The Lib wrapped CR's bad arm around the ring post and The Turd ran at him and kneed his wounded arm. Tony Fanuci entered the ring and held CR from behind while The Lib continued to attack him. Fanuci held Redneck's arm down and then The Lib struck it with a chair a couple of times. Fanuci wrapped CR's arm in a chair while The Lib climbed the ropes to deliver the Partial Birth Abortion. CR recovered and knocked Fanuci into The Lib, who fell off the second rope and through the table at ringside. CR grabbed a chair and headed to ringside with it. Redneck swung the chair with one arm and slammed it on The Lib twice. The Lib cried out in agony both times. CR cleared the announcers' table and placed The Turd on top of it. CR climbed to the top rope and then stopped. He headed back to ringside and placed The Lib on top of Fanuci on the table. CR climbed to the top rope and elbow dropped both men through the table. CR stood up and Butch Williams yelled: 'He's up! He's up!" CR dragged The Lib, who was bleeding from the nose, back inside the ring. Redneck took off his belt and whipped The Lib with it repeatedly. Judge Jennings attempted to interfere but J.R. Ewing pulled him off the apron and gave him a beatdown.CR locked The Lib in the STF and punched him in the eye repeatedly. All of Frustrated Inc. charged toward the ring, but the Supremacists stopped them and a big brawl broke out with the cult members also getting involved. Finally, The Lib yelled out, “My Hillary, my Hillary, why hast thou forsaken me?” He then gasped “It is finished.” The ref checked his arm and it fell three times and he called for the bell. Captain Redneck is the new World Champion!!! After the match, CR continued to glare at the fallen Lib.
RM: Here is your NEW world heavyweight champion,
Captain Redneck!!!
Ronald Martin: The following contest is a Cakefarts Fracas sponsored by Cakefarts.com. The winner of the match has to smash his opponents face into one of the cakes surrounding the ring after farting and erotically grinding on it. Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by Retro, from High Point, NC, Kelly Millis!!! And his opponent, accompanied by The Turd and Mud Monkey, Tony Fanuci!!!
The bell rings and the two circle around the ring until they lockup. The two manage to lock each other in the Greco-Roman Nipple Twist but Fanuci snaps Kelly’s nipps and locks on a headlock, but Kelly shoves him off only to be shoulder blocked down to the mat. They separate and Fanuci allows Kelly to get back up. They lockup again and this time Kelly gets in a headlock, but he gets shoulder blocked down for a second time. Once again, Kelly is given a chance to get back up. Kelly teases a test of strength, but kicks Fanuci in the balls and delivers numerous right hand shots. As Kelly backs away and begins grinding on one of the cakes, Fanuci grabs The Fruit by the throat and hurls him into the corner. The Manservant then strikes Kelly with numerous boxing blows to various parts of Kelly’s body. Fanuci then connects with a massive clothesline, and drops his drawers and lets out a putrid blast on one of the cakes. Fanuci proceeds to work on the Fruit’s arm and signals for the Cake Fart, but Kelly stops him by delivering a punch to the dick. Kelly tries an Irish Whip, but Fanuci weighs too much and he reverses it and proceeds to charge at the Fruit with a running big boot, but Kelly dodges it and Fanuci’s foot gets caught up in the turnbuckle and goes groin first. Mud Monkey begins throwing some of the cakes and is visibly aroused and The Turd plays the muted trumpet. As Fanuci makes it back to his feet, Kelly connects with a chop block. Kelly now begins to work on the left leg. Not long after however, Fanuci shoves Kelly off and both men clothesline each other down. Both men get up and take it to each other with right hand shots. Fanuci appears to get the better however as he takes Kelly down after a couple of shots. Fanuci takes a dump on another cake and then goes for the big boot following a Snake Eyes, but receives a knee to the face instead. The Fruit tries to put Fanuci’s face in a freshly shat upon cake, but Fanuci fights him off. The cultists are getting a bit anxious and David Downs begins ramming his head into the ring post. Kelly attempts a facebuster into a cake, but he is catapulted into the turnbuckle. Letravis Gorman is in the corner doing the Torque and Twist as the cult crowd is in an absolute frenzy. Fanuci gets back up and he strikes Kelly down with a big boot followed by a Thunderlips leg drop, brother. Fanuci covers, but pinfalls don’t count. Fanuci goes up top, but Kelly trips his leg and Kelly manages to connect with a Super-Plex onto a cake, but it is not face first. As Fanuci makes it to his feet, Kelly twists his titties and snaps Fanuci’s nipples. Fanuci screams in agony and Kelly clotheslines him over the ropes, but Fanuci lands on his feet. Mud Monkey then runs over to Fanuci and snaps his nipples!! Fanuci screams again. Kelly tries to go attack him, but Fanuci pulls the Fruit out of the ring and eventually sends him crashing into the steel steps. Fanuci then sets Kelly up on the apron and connects with a leg drop to the throat. After another near Cakefart, Fanuci signals for The Salumeria (Salami Superkick) which he nails. Fanuci has diarrhea all over a cake and as he lifts Kelly up, the Fruit counters with a reverse neckbreaker. The Fruit sets Fanuci up for an Irish Whip, but gets knocked down after a flying clothesline. Fanuci signals for a chokeslam into a cake. He grabs Kelly by the throat and sends him to the ropes but Kelly hits a Spinebuster. Fanuci no sells and Kelly punches at him, but Fanuci grabs him by throat again. As Kelly is lifted in the air, he gets back down and attempts a Prostate Massage!!! The Liberal Librarian charges to the ring and performs the Cleveland Steamer on one of the cakes. He then sneaks up behind Kelly who has locked Fanuci in the Prostate Massage and nails him with the Cut and Run right into the diarrhea despoiled cake!!!! Fanuci flops over and then smashes Kelly’s head into the cake a second time. The Referee calls for the bell and Fanuci has won!!! A groggy Fanuci raises his arms, then does a Ric Flair flop into the cake!!! The Turd then plays the muted trumpet.
RM: Here is your winner, Tony Fanuci!!!
RM: The following contest is a six-man tag match: Rev. Dr. Curtis Lowe & Da Noo Brothas (Malik Monroe and Eugene Washington) vs. Dale Taylor, Eustus Fraley & Tyrone Jefferson DavisCurtis Lowe's music hits, and I think that's my cue to start drinking the "holy water." Curtis and da Noo Brothers, Malik Monroe and Eugene Washington make their way down the ramp and climb into the ring before Lowe grabs the microphone. Lowe breaks into "I ain't gonna be eatin no jelly, yoo blak nigga foo!! Tyrone gonna eat my ass!" Curtis then began singing his newest hymn, “Nigga Style” (sung to the tune of “Will the Circle be Unbroken?”). Luckily the Supremacists’ music soon hit, and they along with Tyrone Jefferson Davis (carrying a Confederate flag) make their way to the ring. The bell rings. Taylor and Malik Monroe circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Taylor quickly switches to a standing rear hammer lock on Malik, but Malik makes it to the ropes to force the break. Taylor and Malik circle each other for a second time before locking each other up in a second collar-and-elbow tie-up. Taylor quickly switches to a standing rear hammer lock, but this time Malik reverses in to a standing rear hammer lock of his own. Malik muscles Taylor down to the mat, but Taylor fights back up to his feet and breaks the hold with a sweet flipping snap mare takedown. Taylor charges at Malik and Malik tries to give him a back body drop over the top rope, but Taylor floats over and lands on his feet on the ring apron. Malik hurriedly tags Eugene. Taylor tags Eustis. Both combatants lock up. Eustus spins around and takes a swing at Washington, but Washington blocks the punch. Eustis tries to hip toss Washington back over the top rope, but Washington counters into a deep arm drag takedown on Eustus. Eustus gets back to his feet, but Washington catches him with a second deep arm drag takedown. Washington maintains his hold on Eustus's arm, but Eustus fights back to his feet. Washington switches to an arm bar on Eustus, guides him over to the corner, tags Malik into the match, and holds Eustus as Malik climbs into the ring and gives Eustus an elbow shot to the shoulder.Washington climbs out onto the ring apron as Malik gives Eustus four punches to the shoulder. Curtis pats Washington's shoulders and jaws to fans "We gonna rape doz whiteys Nigga Style"!! Malik applies an arm wringer to Eustus, gives him another elbow shot to the shoulder, switches to a standing rear hammer lock, guides him over to the corner, and slams him shoulder-first into the top turnbuckle. Eustus is out on his feet. Curtis seeing a opportunithy demands to be tagged in. Malik with a puzzled look tags in the 75 year old wrestling reverund. Curtis points at Tyrone and says "dis iz gwine to be yo' ass!" Curtis then hits Eustus in the face. Eustus looks up. Curtis hits him again. Eustus looks quite angry and no longer groggy. Curtis hurriedly tags Washington and darts out of the ring.Washington gives Eustus yet another elbow shot to the shoulder followed by more punches to the shoulder before applying another arm wringer and again driving his elbow into Eustus's shoulder. Washington takes Eustus over with a snap mare takedown and applies a rear chin lock. Eustus begins to fight back to his feet, so Washington releases the hold and gives Eustus a clubbing forearm shot to the back. Washington drags Eustus back to his feet, whips him to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and drops his head to telegraph the back body drop, so Eustus puts on the brakes and gives Washington a head butt to the back of the head. Eustus drags Washington back to his feet, drags him over to the corner, pauses as he looks at Tyrone Jefferson Davis. He then tags Tyrone into the match, (Eustus wipes his hands on his torn Jack Daniels t-shirt). Davis climbs into the ring and gives Washington a head butt.Tyrone then stomps on Washington's head before giving him the "dildozer" (a double ax-handle shot to the back of the head). Tyrone refuses to go for the pin. Instead, he drags Washington back to his feet, gives him a scoop slam, and once again stomps on his head. Tyrone drags Washington back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, slaps Washington across the chest to tag him into the match, and holds Washington as Taylor climbs into the ring. Tyrone and Taylor give Washington a double head butt and Tyrone climbs out onto the ring apron. Taylor covers Washington but only gets a two count before Tyrone kicks out. Taylor slings Washington in the corner and runs in for the clothesline. Washington gets his foot up at the last second, nearly knocking Taylor's head off. Washington goes to his corner and tags in Malik. Malik gives Taylor three mounted punches, pulls him over to the corner, slaps him across the face. A dazed Taylor falls down face first. Malik drags Taylor back to his feet and slams his head into the top turnbuckle. Taylor crumbles to the mat, but Malik drags him back to his feet and applies the "dropped soap" (Cobra Clutch). Taylor breaks the hold with two elbow shots to Malik's gut, but Malik fights back with a clubbing forearm shot to Taylor's back. Malik drags Taylor back to his feet, whips him to the corner, and charges after him, but Taylor just manages to slide out of the way. Malik slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle as Taylor dives across the ring and tags Tyrone into the match.Tyrone climbs into the ring and levels Malik with a running clothesline. Washington runs into the ring and misses a clothesline. Tyrone delivers an uppercut, bounces off the ropes and delivers the "ass-blaster" (formerly known as the Drive-by). Malik springs back up to his feet, but Eustus immediately levels him with a running clothesline. Eustus heads over to the corner to grab Curtis but the Reverend throws salt in his face, blinding the hillbilly. Curtis grabs an empty liquor bottle and shatters it over Eustus's head knocking him out cold. Eustus instinctively rolls out of the ring. Meantime, Tyrone sets Washington up for the "Tossed Salad" but out of the ringside, Mud-Monkey runs into the ring and grabs Tyrone's leg and begins biting him. Tyrone clubs Mud with a meathook but is cold-cocked by Malik. Curtis orders his men to hold Tyrone because "itz time to eat sum ass!" Curtis pulls down his pants and begins backing up toward Tyrone's semi-conscious face.
Out of nowhere, Taylor nails Malik and Washington with the Confederate flag pole. Tyrone gives the "five knuckle nut-buster" to the Reverend. As Curtis doubles over in pain, Tyrone nails Curtis with a devastating "Tossed Salad" with Curtis's pants still around his ankles. Tyrone picks up a jar of mint jelly that rolls out of Curtis's pants. Then, Tyrone takes off his pants and pours the jelly all over his ass and sits on Curtis giving him the ass-face with mint jelly. It's now aJabberjawmic folks. The ref counts one-two-three. Tyrone pins his former mentor. Taylor helps a groggy Eustus into the ring. The Supremacists and Tyrone celebrate their victory. Tyrone waves the flag of Freedom, the glorious "Stars and Bars" as Curtis and crew rolls out of the ring in a shameful defeat. A barely lucid Curtis with mint “ass jelly” is moaning how he "hates jellllyyyyyyy...!!!!"
RM: Here are your winners, Dale Taylor, Eustus Fraley, and Tyrone Jefferson Davis!!!
RM: The following contest is for the Texas Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, accompanied by Mrs. Fanuci, the champion, Antonio “Da Crunk” Davis!! And his opponent, making his WNWA return, accompanied to the ring by Bobby The Chunk, now weighing 205 lbs., fATAS!!!!
Da Crunk came to the ring hanging all over Mrs. Fanuci and mouthing to the camera, “Ah, yeah! The prize, bitches. You know you want dis!! You ass just jealous!” fATAS is disgusting: skinny, stretch mark covered with flab and mounds of skin flopping all over the place. fATAS and Crunk locked up and Crunk backed fATAS into the ropes and gave a clean break. They locked up again and fATAS got Crunk in the roeps and fATAS hit a knee to the gut and then some right hands. fATAS hit a reverse elbow knockdown and then kicked Crunk on the mat before hitting some chops in the corner. Crunk came back with a kick to the knee and then some right hands but fATAS came back with more chops to the chest.fATAS hit a snap suplex and dropkick for two and then worked over his shoulder in the ropes. Crunk wrenched on the arm of fATAS, but fATAS came back with a leg lace takedown and then went for a baseball slide through the ropes, but Crunk moved and sent him into the ring post. Crunk got back in and tried to take off the top turnbuckle pad, but fATAS came in behind him and sent him down with a German Suplex. fATAS hit some knees and chops in the ropes, and then scored with a Northern Lights Suplex for two. Crunk took over with elbows to the back of the neck and then stomped him on the mat.fATAS came back with chops but Crunk hit a hard clothesline to take fATAS down. Crunk went back to working on the shoulder of fATAS and locked in a short arm scissors on the canvas. Crunk then locked in an arm bar as the fans got behind fATAS. fATAS fought out with forearm shots but then walked into a dropkick from Crunk. fATAS and Crunk traded right hands on the canvas and then Crunk went back to working the arm and shoulder area. fATAS came back and went for the Sharpshooter, but Crunk kicked him off. fATAS hit some more chops to the chest but Crunk hit a right hand and went back to the shoulder.fATAS hit some right hands to get Crunk away from his shoulder, but Crunk scored with a swinging neck breaker for two. Crunk punched fATAS right in the neck and covered for two before hitting a reverse elbow for another two count. Orlando locked in a surfboard as fATAS screamed in pain. fATAS fought out but Crunk took him down with a slam and then headed up top but fATAS crotched him. fATAS hit some chops on Crunk and then went up and took him down with a superplex and both men are down. fATAS hit some forearm knock downs, followed by a back body drop and then an elbow before going for the Sharpshooter, but Crunk kicked him away again.fATAS hit a suplex, but Crunk blocked the second and went for a standing switch but fATAS reversed and hit a DDT. fATAS went up top and came off with a big splash for a near fall. fATAS chopped away at Crunk in the corner, and then sent him into the buckle, but Crunk's head collided with fATAS's on impact. Crunk removed the turnbuckle pad, but fATAS shoved him head first into the exposed turnbuckle and covered for the win!!!
RM: Here is your winner and NEWWWW Texas Heavyweight Champion, fATAS!!!
RM: The following contest is for the Texas Tag Team Championship. Introducing first, representing Frustrated Inc., Billy Bell and Poor Mike Skills, they are Bells Palsy!! And their opponents, Kevin Coleman and Del Rey Preddy, the Texas Tag Team Champions, the Confederate Cripplers!!
The bell rings and we start with Coleman and Skills. They lock up and Skills gets a headlock on Coleman. Skills connects with a quick suplex on Coleman and then with a few underhooks. Bell gets the tag and Skills and Bell take out Coleman with repeated kicks. Bell connects with a big boot to Coleman's gut and then lifts him over his back by his chin and drops him back down. Coleman comes back sending Bell into the corner and tags in Del Rey Preddy. Preddy gets in a few elbows on Bell, but Bell slams Preddy hard and follows it up with a boot to the face. Bell attempts a cover but only gets a two count. He makes the tag to Skills and Bell drops Preddy over his knee and Skills springboards off the top rope connecting with a knee to the head. Skills locks in a body submission on Preddy against the ropes. He slides under with a rollup on Preddy but Preddy kicks out and Skills goes right to the side headlock. Preddy tags in Coleman and the Cripplers drop Skills over their knees. Coleman then applies a sleeper on Skills to keep him down.Skills pushes Coleman towards Bell who breaks it up with a kick and Bell gets the tag. Bell levels Coleman with a big right hand, charges in the corner and a big side slam. Bell goes up to the top rope and takes out Coleman with a flying clothesline. Preddy makes the blind tag and he takes out Bell with a big neckbreaker. Preddy connects with some ground and pound offense on Bell and then tags in Coleman. Coleman connects with some kicks to Bell and then a big charge in the corner. Quick tag back to Preddy who puts a knee to the chin of Bell. He makes a quick tag to Coleman. Coleman gets in a few kicks and applies a chinlock on Bell. Bell connects with a huge big boot on Coleman. Both men make tags to their partners. Skills takes out Preddy with some big spin kicks and knocks Coleman off the ring apron. Skills connects with a powerslam on Preddy but only gets a two count. Skills knees Preddy then nails him with a knee to the head in the corner and a bulldog on Preddy while clotheslining Coleman on the ring apron at the same time! Skills leaps over the top rope taking out Coleman. He springboards back in off the top rope and takes out Preddy with a flying clothesline, covers, but only gets a two count. Skills attempts a stunner but Coleman breaks it up. Skills then dodges a kick from Preddy but Coleman grabs Skills's leg from under the ropes and Bell suplexes Coleman on the outside. In the ring, Preddy nails Skills with a twisting neckbreaker, covers and gets the pinfall.
RM: Your winners, and still Texas Tag Team Champions, The Confederate Cripplers!!!
RM: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, Amish Amos Beiler!!! And his opponent, The Turd!!!
The bell rings and The Turd and Amos lock up. The Turd backs Amos to the corner and the referee breaks it up. The referee pushes The Turd back. The Turd disdainfully farts on the ref. He then steps forward with a knee to the gut and then a headlock on Amos taking the action to the mat. The Turd connects with a big shoulder block on Amos. Amos gets in some kicks followed by a big forearm takedown. Amos connects with a dropkick that sends The Turd out of the ring through the ropes. Amos nails The Turd with a suicide dive through the ropes! Amos tosses him back in the ring, goes to the top turnbuckle, jumps, hits a cross-body but The Turd quickly kicks out. Amos comes off the ropes and Blair catches him with a big shoulder block. Jonathan Oliver Blair III connects with some big right hands on Amos in the corner. Amos catches The Turd with a boot in the corner. Amos is back up top when Blair cuts him off with a shot to the back. The Turd grabs Amos and connects with a fallaway slam from the top rope! Hook of the leg by Blair but Amos kicks out after two. The Turd connects with a shot to the back. Amos sits back up and The Turd gives him another shot to the back.Amos gets to his feet and The Turd levels him with a big right hand. The Turd sends him in with an Irish whip to the corner on Amos. The Turd then applies a modified erotic bearhug trying to weaken Amos. Amos attempts a few elbows to break free. Amos breaks free and lands a few kicks on The Turd. The Turd connects with a big boot on Amos from the corner. He follows that up with another boot to the head on the ground, hook of the leg and Amos kicks out. The Turd connects with a forearm to the back on Amos followed by a quick back suplex. Another cover but Amos again kicks out. The Turd locks in an abdominal stretch on Amos and humps him from behind. Amos counters with a hip toss on to break up the abdominal stretch/male rape. Amos follows with a high knee to the head followed by a bulldog from the corner. He attempts a Scrappler, but The Turd counters off and levels Amos with a big clothesline. He drops a few Turdbows over Amos, covers but Amos kicks out. They then exchange punches. Amos connects with some slaps and then a kick to the head. Amos makes the cover but The Turd kicks out. Amos connects with a springboard, but The Turd catches him and connects with a Turdslam that results in a two count.The Turd argues with the referee that it was a three count. He raises his arm and gets cheered. He goes for the Turd From Hell when Amos counters with a dropkick to the face. Amos with another high knee in the corner, attempts another bulldog, but The Turd counters and places Amos back up on the top turnbuckle. He lands numerous forearm shots to the back on Amos. He climbs up with Amos and connects with a big back suplex off the top! The back of Amos's head is busted open after colliding with The Turd's head earlier. Amos counters a clothesline attempt from The Turd and connects with the Scrappler! Amos covers and gets the pinfall!!!
RM: Your winner, Amos Beiler!!!
After the match, a beaten Turd has the sick look of pleasure that he gets from pain as he meanders back to his cabin while holding his “dookie stick.”
RM: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the National Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, Triple K!!! and his opponent, he is the National Heavyweight Champion, The Lummox!!!
The bell rings and Triple K and The Lummox have a stare down. Lummox shoves Triple K away. Triple K comes back with a few right hands. Triple K keeps the right hands up dodging shots from Lummox. Triple K attempts a Pettigrew early on, but Lummox fights out, slaps his arms around the neck of Triple K, lifts him up and slams him down. Lummox taunts and the cultists cheer. Lummox applies the Vice Grip on Triple K. Triple K gets in a few kicks to break it up and then connects with a chop block taking Lummox to the ground. Lummox rolls out of the ring and recovers near the announce table when Triple K walks out towards him. Lummox catches Triple K wtih a chop to the head levelling Triple K. Lummox sends Triple K into the ring bell area and then sends Triple K back into the ring. Lummox kicks Triple K in the corner and then follows that up with a few elbow shots. Triple K falls to the mat from the corner as Lummox taunts some more. Lummox with a pinfall attempt while standing over Triple K. Triple K kicks out. Lummox then applies pressure to the shoulder of Triple K. Lummox picks up Triple K on his shoulder and then slams him down with force. Lummox with a leg drop on Triple K and Triple K barely gets a shoulder up. Lummox goes back to work on the shoulder of Triple K. Triple K gets to his feet, lands a few shots to the chest of Lummox and then some right hands to the head. Triple K with a knee to the face on Lummox. Lummox gets tied up in the ropes when he falls back. Triple K then charges at Lummox and Lummox gets a boot up to stop Triple K. Lummox breaks free from the ropes, Triple K attempts a Pettigrew, but Lummox launches Triple K over his back over the top rope to the outside. Triple K then trips up Lummox from the outside and drives his leg into the steel ring post. Triple K walks across the ring apron towards Lummox and Lummox slaps Triple K over the chest sending him to the ground right away. Triple K rolls back into the ring favoring his chest.Lummox comes back into the ring, Triple K charges and Lummox gets another Vice Grip applied. Triple K with some body shots on Lummox, but Lummox won't let go. Lummox keeps the Vice Grip applied when Triple K somehow breaks free. Lummox launches Triple K into the corner. Triple K dodges a splash, kick to the gut, attempts a Pettigrew and connects. Triple K turns Lummox over, hooks the leg and gets the pinfall.
Your winner and NEW National Heavyweight Champion, Triple K!!!
RM: The following match is the final match in the best of seven series. This contest is a parking lot brawl. Introducing first, Prince Charming!! And his opponent, Pike!!
The match was held in a dirt parking lot behind the main Mount Holy Olive Peoples Temple pavilion. There were several cars and trucks parked in a circle. Charming's limo pulled up and he got out wearing a suit and carrying a tire iron. Charming called out for Pike and looked around for him. Charming stood on the hood of a car. A car engine revved and Pike drove a car into the car that Charming was standing on. Charming climbed onto the hood of the car as Pike slammed into the car. Pike slammed the hood of a car on Charming and then hooked his nuts up to a pair of jumper cables. Pike touched the other end of the cables to the car battery and it sparked, while Charming shook while his testicles were being fried. After a comeback, Charming hit Pike with punches and slammed his head onto the hood of a car. They stood on the hood of a car and Charming hit Pike with a spinning neckbreaker for a nearfall. Later, Charming placed Pike in the backseat of a car and slammed the door shut. He walked over to his limo and grabbed a gas can. Charming doused Pike's car with gas and pulled out a lighter while the ref pleaded with him to stop. Charming lit the car on fire and the referee started yelling, "Fire!" With the car engulfed in flames, several workers Preddyed up and used fire extinguishers to put the fire out. Once the fire was out, Pike climbed out unscathed and attacked Charming. He put Charming in the front seat of a car, and then sat down behind the wheel of a forklift. He slammed the forklift into the car and lifted it into the air with Charming still inside. Pike drove the forklift and the car into the arena. Charming stumbled out of the car and Pike attacked him on the stage. Pike dominated Charming. He stood over him and delivered a brutal fist drop. When Charming got to his feet, Pike picked him up for the Shuicide. He looked at the car he brought out with the forklift. He walked toward the car, but Charming fought off Pike and then threw him through the windshield. Charming covered Pike on top of the car and scored the pin to win the series 4-3!!! Charming had to be helped to the back by two referees. Pike was still lying on the car and his arms were cut from the glass. The refs tried to help him, but he brushed them off and walked on his own.
RM: Here is your winner, Prince Charming!!!
Hillary comes to the pavilion and approaches an obviously drugged Liberal Librarian who is sitting on his throne like chair. The Lib praises her and the cultists cheer wildly. Hillary then begins campaigning for Obama, which shocks The Lib. The Lib nails Hillary with the Cut and Run and then begins a madman rant about “Uncle Tombama.”
RM: The following contest is a Fatal 4 way match for the WNWA Women's Championship. The competitors are Grimace, Pam Fanuci, Antoinette Fanuci, and the Women’s Champion Amelia!!!Grimace and Amelia start. Right hands by the behemoth knocks Amelia off balance. Amelia counters a whip and hits a reverse elbow. Amelia tags in Pam. As Pam was yelling at Amelia because she was being told to do more work than she originally anticipated Grimace seizes on her distraction. With the arena shaking Grimace runs in the corner and hits a clothesline. Pam falls down in the corner and Grimace gets ready for the stinkcrotchface, but Pam explodes out of the corner with a clothesline. Antoinette makes a blind tag. Uppercuts by Antoinette and she tries to whip Grimace. Grimace counters and hits an avalanche drop!!! Grimace, breathing very heavily, barely makes it to Amelia and makes a tag. Amelia is blindsided, Antoinette then drops the leg across Amelia. Amelia in the corner and Antoinette backs dat ass up. Amelia puts on the chokehold, but Antoinette punches out. Antoinette whipped and Amelia hits a big boot followed by a scoop slam. Amelia goes to the top rope and hits a flying clothesline.
Antoinette stumbles to the corner and tags Pam. Grimace tags herself back in and Pam meets her with a chicken salad sandwich with her right hands. Boot to the face by Pam, but Grimace comes up swinging. Pam knocks her down then covers for a near fall. Grimace in the corner and Pam clotheslines her. Back elbow by Grimace on a Pam charge. Grimace grabs Pam's arm and hits old school. Pam jumps right up and fights back with right hands. Double clothesline and both old bags go down. Both old bags get back up and Pam gets three right hands. Pam hits a swinging neckbreaker and Grimace gets right back up. More right hands by Pam in the corner. Pam hits a DDT and covers, but Antoinette breaks the count at two. Amelia comes in and Grimace and Pam fight to the outside. Pam uses the ringbell to knock Grimace down. In the ring, Amelia hits the spinebuster then waits for Antoinette to get up. Grimace comes in from behind and attacks Amelia with a chokeslam. Pam leaves the ring, she says it's time forher chicken salad break and goes up the ramp. Grimace gets up and picks Amelia up for the "Last Meal". Out of no where an enraged, fan wearing a vagina with a tampon costume charges in the ring and nails Grimace with a crescent kick. Grimace backs up and trips on Antoinette’s prone, beached body, falling backwards, breaking Grimace’s toe!! Amelia seizing the moment covers Grimace for the quick 1, 2, 3, and wins!!!
RM: Here is your winner Amelia!!
Amelia walks over to the fan to shake her hand. The fan takes off the tampon to reveal Tony Fanuci whose face is still covered with ass-cake. Fanuci is holding an engagement ring. Amelia immediately turns around and leaves the arena. While Fanuci is pleading for Amelia to love his "ass", Fanuci is pancaked by Antoinette and Grimace at the same time for his part in Amelia's win.The two gargantuans drag Tony's body into the corner. Antoinette from the opposite corner runs full speed into Fanuci delivering a devastating "Hershey Highway". Grimace follows suit with the "Shitface." The Turd approaches the ring to play the trumpet to highlight Tony's humiliation. As Grimace waddles up the ramp she is confronted by Jabberjaw and the two stare down. They finally embrace and then attack the Fanucis!! After the match a breathless Jabberjaw struggles mightily to blurt out that they are a tag team called Breathless Toothless Aggression and are challenging the Confederate Cripplers to a tag team match right now!!
The music of the Cripplers hit as they made their way to the ring. Preddy and Coleman cornered the champs on the outside and then tossed Grimace in the ring and hammered the mastodon with right hands. Grimace was a trapped whale as Coleman nailed her with an uppercut. Coleman sent Grimace to the corner and gave the behemoth some huge uppercuts and then choked away at her. Coleman hit a clothesline in the corner, and went for another but Grimace got her massive boot up but further injured her broken hoof. The gargantuan Grimace hit a clothesline and tagged in Jabberjaw.Coleman hit Jabberjaw with an uppercut and then sent her into the boot of Preddy before tagging him in. Preddy silenced the crowd and chopped Jabberjaw hard in the corner. Preddy hammered away at Jabberjaw with boots and right hands, and then nailed the old bag with another huge chop. Preddy hit a boot to the face and then Jabberjaw raked the eyes and Grimace tagged in. Grimace went for a whip but that was no good and Preddy chopped Grimace in the corner and then gave the purple mass a headbutt. Preddy scored with yet another chop, and then stood on Grimace before tagging in Coleman. Coleman choked Grimace but she raked the eyes and tagged Jabberjaw. Coleman hit a boot to the sternum and then went up top.Jabberjaw cut him off but Coleman shoved him down and then Grimace came up and shoved Coleman to the outside. Grimace and Jabberjaw then hit the Sweet and Sour on Coleman on the outside. Back in the ring and Jabberjaw choked away at Coleman as the referee was busy with Preddy. Grimace tagged in and hammered away at Coleman before locking in a half nelson. Coleman drove Grimace into the corner but Jabberjaw tagged in and they worked Coleman over and Grimace hit an atomic drop followed by a Jabberjaw neckbreaker. Coleman sat up but Jabberjaw clotheslined him back down. Coleman grabbed Jabberjaw by the throat and then hit a boot and clothesline to the champs. Coleman tagged in Preddy who hit clotheslines and headbutts to both massively obese sows. Preddy whipped Grimace into Jabberjaw and then hit the splash on Jabberjaw but Grimace moved. Coleman went up top and hit the flying clothesline on Grimace and then sent her to the outside. Preddy and Coleman then hit a double chokeslam on Jabberjaw and it’s over!
RM: Here are your winners, The Confederate Cripplers!!!
The Lib entered the ring and scowled and soaked up the cheers from his adoring cultists. He grabbed the mic and threatened the cultists to get involved in this match and to cheer loudly. He then berated all the members of Frustrated Inc. for losing their matches.
The Lib: “Listen ups minions. Many of you are wondering why I chose to finallydefend my title against this inbred hayseed. Let me tell you dudes. I'm tired of taking all this harassment from JR's lawyers, dude. I'm not worried about defeating this conservative, bra, because I'm the chosen one, brother. I'll use my supernatural powers against this retard, dude. Science has deemed me the world's savior, jack. But Ihave the upper hand, Libomaniacs. JR had to make a few concessions of his own, brother. When I win, I will not be required to defend the title for 4 years dude. Long enough time get my beloved in the White House, dude. Even though I had to cut and run Hillary, jack, she will be back. In four years, after that blue-gummed racist pickaninny Obama runs the country into the ground and has us all longing for the salad days of Jimmy Carter and W., Hillary will defeat that fuck for the Democratic nomination, brother, and Liberalmania will live forever, JACK!!”
RM: The following no-disqualification contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the World Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, the champion, The Liberal Librarian!!! And his opponent, Captain Redneck!!!
CR came out wearing a tank top, jeans, and boots. His left arm was heavily taped. CR charged at The Lib. He took his boot off and struck The Lib with it early, opening a nasty cut. The Lib got the upper hand by raking CR’s face and throwing him over the top rope.The Lib went outside the ring and set up a table at ringside. He tried to powerbomb CR through the table, but CR punched him in the head and The Lib fell backward but dropped CR face first on the ring apron. After getting back to his feet, The Lib attempted to suplex CR off the ring apron through the table, but he couldn't muster the strength. CR then tossed The Lib through the table. Redneck threw The Lib back in the ring and set him up for the B2B. He teased it and then stopped even though he could have hit the move. He looked at The Lib and shook his head no. The announcers explained that he hadn't dished out enough punishment. The Lib took over after The Lummox charged into the ring and he and The Lib doubled teamed CR. The Turd came to the ring and gave CR Dookey Love!!! The Lib nailed the Cut and Run and then applied the Crossface Leftwing. Redneck reached the ropes, but The Lib wouldn't break the hold. CR reached underneath the ring and grabbed a fire extinguisher and then sprayed it at The Lib to break the hold. CR chased The Lummox and The Turd from the ring, then took control of the match and beat up The Lib at ringside.The Turd ran back out to help The Lib, but CR cut him off with a couple of punches in the aisle. The Turd ran at Redneck again and punched his injured arm. The Turd then clotheslined CR. The Lib wrapped CR's bad arm around the ring post and The Turd ran at him and kneed his wounded arm. Tony Fanuci entered the ring and held CR from behind while The Lib continued to attack him. Fanuci held Redneck's arm down and then The Lib struck it with a chair a couple of times. Fanuci wrapped CR's arm in a chair while The Lib climbed the ropes to deliver the Partial Birth Abortion. CR recovered and knocked Fanuci into The Lib, who fell off the second rope and through the table at ringside. CR grabbed a chair and headed to ringside with it. Redneck swung the chair with one arm and slammed it on The Lib twice. The Lib cried out in agony both times. CR cleared the announcers' table and placed The Turd on top of it. CR climbed to the top rope and then stopped. He headed back to ringside and placed The Lib on top of Fanuci on the table. CR climbed to the top rope and elbow dropped both men through the table. CR stood up and Butch Williams yelled: 'He's up! He's up!" CR dragged The Lib, who was bleeding from the nose, back inside the ring. Redneck took off his belt and whipped The Lib with it repeatedly. Judge Jennings attempted to interfere but J.R. Ewing pulled him off the apron and gave him a beatdown.CR locked The Lib in the STF and punched him in the eye repeatedly. All of Frustrated Inc. charged toward the ring, but the Supremacists stopped them and a big brawl broke out with the cult members also getting involved. Finally, The Lib yelled out, “My Hillary, my Hillary, why hast thou forsaken me?” He then gasped “It is finished.” The ref checked his arm and it fell three times and he called for the bell. Captain Redneck is the new World Champion!!! After the match, CR continued to glare at the fallen Lib.
RM: Here is your NEW world heavyweight champion,
Captain Redneck!!!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Library news
In an unrelated note, Braddock County Public Library is sad to report that yet another employee has quit. That makes 15 from their Research Services Division since 2005 and four in a year, so one every three months isn't too bad. Of course, their place has been filled by highly talented, and competent professionals so there's no need for Human Resources to investigate just what the blue hell fuck is wrong with the shithole or the administration there. Some might think the library should be called a bakery because of all the turnovers they make.
Talkin’ trash: WNWA wrestler reduces his environmental footprint by keeping his garbage for a year
For the past nine months (since Jan. 1), the lanky WNWA wrestler has been filling his basement with every single thing he would ordinarily recycle or toss into the trash.
For his scientific/social experiment Joseph Paynter (a.k.a., the Liberal Librarian) keeps a photographic tally of his human waste and publishes it on the internet. On July 26, for example, his waste stream included 7 fluid ounces of explosive diarrhea, 40 fluid ounces of urine, 1/2 ounce of semen and kleenex for good measure.
Yes, for one whole year, Paynter’s basement will hold everything: stacks of liberal newspapers (which he himself calls "fish wrap"), pornographic magazines, dozens of used prophylactics and plastic containers, and, of course, human waste—31 pounds thus far. Curiosity is one obvious reason for conducting the experiment, but the main reason boils down to his concern for the Earth.
“I realized I was fucking up, dude,” said Paynter, the WNWA World Heavyweight Champion and founder of a secular commune, Libtown, last week.
He recalled a conversation with a fellow wrestler, (known as the Turd) in which the two concluded how easy it was to throw things away, since away is out of sight. Both, while sniffing heavy amounts of Jenkem, wondered how their habits would change if they were confronted by those items each day. Paynter followed through on the idea. And since he considers recycling a crutch (because it requires energy and other resources), he decided to store his recyclables, too.
Paynter, an effusive speaker who had taken his shoes off, is quick to note that he hasn’t inflicted the experiment upon his minions at Libtown. With the exception of forcing his man-slave Tony Fanuci to personally pick up all the waste and store it in the basement of Fanuci's slave shack, which by the way he shares with "the Turd".
During his speech at a press conference, the drugged-out, matted-haired environmentalist wrestler talked about how difficult it is for people to know the consequences of their actions--"like voting Republican or for the blue-gummed racist Uncle Tomboma, brother." "Consumers are far removed .... ahhhh....," he said before he dozed off.
Paynter, who eventually regained consciousness, mixed a lot of humor into an informative, yet admittedly unscientific portion of his presentation in which he talked about a number of “depressing” topics, mostly centered around "Uncle Tomboma", Republicans, and his "beloved's failed bid for the throne of the World."
Moving on, Paynter then pointed out that there are everyday solutions. Oddly, Paynter then started pulling items out of his ass. The press conference then abruptly ended.
For his scientific/social experiment Joseph Paynter (a.k.a., the Liberal Librarian) keeps a photographic tally of his human waste and publishes it on the internet. On July 26, for example, his waste stream included 7 fluid ounces of explosive diarrhea, 40 fluid ounces of urine, 1/2 ounce of semen and kleenex for good measure.
Yes, for one whole year, Paynter’s basement will hold everything: stacks of liberal newspapers (which he himself calls "fish wrap"), pornographic magazines, dozens of used prophylactics and plastic containers, and, of course, human waste—31 pounds thus far. Curiosity is one obvious reason for conducting the experiment, but the main reason boils down to his concern for the Earth.
“I realized I was fucking up, dude,” said Paynter, the WNWA World Heavyweight Champion and founder of a secular commune, Libtown, last week.
He recalled a conversation with a fellow wrestler, (known as the Turd) in which the two concluded how easy it was to throw things away, since away is out of sight. Both, while sniffing heavy amounts of Jenkem, wondered how their habits would change if they were confronted by those items each day. Paynter followed through on the idea. And since he considers recycling a crutch (because it requires energy and other resources), he decided to store his recyclables, too.
Paynter, an effusive speaker who had taken his shoes off, is quick to note that he hasn’t inflicted the experiment upon his minions at Libtown. With the exception of forcing his man-slave Tony Fanuci to personally pick up all the waste and store it in the basement of Fanuci's slave shack, which by the way he shares with "the Turd".
During his speech at a press conference, the drugged-out, matted-haired environmentalist wrestler talked about how difficult it is for people to know the consequences of their actions--"like voting Republican or for the blue-gummed racist Uncle Tomboma, brother." "Consumers are far removed .... ahhhh....," he said before he dozed off.
Paynter, who eventually regained consciousness, mixed a lot of humor into an informative, yet admittedly unscientific portion of his presentation in which he talked about a number of “depressing” topics, mostly centered around "Uncle Tomboma", Republicans, and his "beloved's failed bid for the throne of the World."
Moving on, Paynter then pointed out that there are everyday solutions. Oddly, Paynter then started pulling items out of his ass. The press conference then abruptly ended.
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