Monkey attacks friend

BRADDOCK, Tex. — Mud the monkey, a veteran of WNWA wrestling, is the constant companion of the Rev. Dr. Bishop Curtis Eldorado Lowe who feeds him steak, lobster and ice cream.  Mud is allowed to eat at the table, drink wine from a stemmed glass, masturbate in the toilet, and dress and bathe himself.  Fellow wrestler, legal slave, and other focus of this article, Tony Fanuci is forced to eat from a trough on the ground in the front yard of Lowe’s church.

Mud brushed his teeth with a Water Pik, logged on to a computer to look at porn and channel-surfed the adult channels with the remote control.

But on Monday, the wild animal in him came out with a vengeance.

The 200-pound animal viciously molested a fellow wrestler and member of Frustrated Inc. before being tranquilized by BraddockCounty Sheriff’s deputies.

Investigators are trying to figure out why — whether it was too much porn, a reaction to alcohol (which Mud drank heavily), or a case of instinct taking over.

"It's hard to say what exactly precipitated this behavior," said Cooter Dean, a worker at the Braddock Zoo. "At the end of the day, they are not human and you can't always predict their behavior and how they or any other wild animal will respond when they feel threatened."

Mud attacked 44-year-old, virgin, Tony Fanuci as fellow members of Frustrated Inc., frantically egged Mud on for the amusement of Dr. Lowe.  Lowe was celebrating his 75th birthday with all his friends around, just in the event that his nemesis, TyronneJefferson Davis show up.  Fanuci was severely humiliated with "life-changing, if not life style changing," injuries to his mind and his nipples Sheriff’s deputies said.

Police said they are looking into the possibility of criminal charges against Lowe. A pet owner can be held criminally responsible if he or she knew or should have known that an animal was a danger to others.  Though the law is unsettled, whether legal slaves like Tony Fanuci have any legal recourse for the humiliation they endure.

In recordings of calls to 911 dispatchers released Tuesday, Mud’s grunts can be heard as an amused Pam Fanuci (Tony's mother) laughs that Mud monkey is "titty fucking my worthless fucking son, eeehhhhhh………"  Mud must be stopped before my worthless Tony gives him some sort of disease….. ehhhhhh!!!!!”. The dispatcher later asks, "Who's molesting your Tony?" "My former boyfriend’s monkey!" she laughs. "Mud made Tony take off his shirt, then rub Vaseline on his tits, eehhhh…. Then Mud made Tony wear a bra.  After that, Mud started humping Tony’s chest, ehhhhhh…….  Take your time getting here though.  I think Mud is about to climax, eehhhh….."

Unfortunately for Tony, the assault lasted about 12 more minutes after police arrived.

After police arrive, one officer radios back: "There's a lard ass down. He doesn't look good," he says, referring to Tony. "We've got to get this guy out of here. Get him to a carwash and scrub some of this Vaseline and spoog off his tits."

Deputies said that Mud was agitated earlier after watching a porn marathon on the Spice channel and after which Dr. Lowe had given Mud a half gallon of gin.

"Gin could have made Mud more aroused," if stories from college campuses are any indication, Braddock deputies said.

Dr. Lowe has built Mud a large cage in his church. He knew monkeys could be sexually deviant and therefore kept a constant stream of porn for Mud to few.  Curtis of course was amused by Mud’s sexual frustrations.

Braddock deputies, holding back laughter, have not yet indicated if Mud or Dr. Lowe will be charged for Fanuci’s sexual humiliation.