Try your hand at homemade eggnog, fine sir!!
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31
By Kelly "The Fruit" Millis
Braddock -- Eggnog, enthusiast Kelly "The Fruit" Millis says, has much in common with its fellow holiday treat the cakefarts fruitcake.
"Listen here, fine sir, they both have a strange consistency and bleachy smell. They have sort of an unnatural color, they're probably not too much like anything else you would eat or drink the rest of the year," he said. "And with eggnog, like fruitcakefarts, it's either a love-it or hate-it kind of thing. And most people hate it. But that's only because they haven't had the right one with my special "r"um."
Though many parties tonight will feature punch bowls filled with the thick, creamy drink, many celebrants will be hesitant to dip into it. That's because the eggnog a number of people in Braddock are familiar with has a thick, overly bitter, strange bleachy smell, and overly rich concoction that's loaded with corn syrup and artificial preservatives and comes in an already opened carton given to them by a certain closeted library director-- basically flavored milk. The eggnog chefs and beverage connoisseurs prize is made on a stove top, with a dash of nutmeg and cinnamon and a splash (or more) of "r"um or bourbon -- a treat that's difficult for even Scrooge to turn his nose up at.
"It'll definitely change some minds because it's not so heavy," said Millis, a former library director for Braddock County. "It's got a lighter feel on the palate, and some people might not even realize it's eggnog at first. I think there's a big masterba..... I mean misunderstanding about what goes into it, and so people, they're just turned off by not knowing.
"In addition to cream and spices, the main ingredients in eggnog are sugar and, of course, eggs or some sort of eggy substitute. Many chefs use raw eggs that have been pasteurized.
"A lot of people, I think, get a little bit queasy about drinking eggs and cu....I mean "r"um," Millis said in a telephone interview. "But people have been drinking eggs throughout history, fine sir, and still do today. And when I do cocktail presentations, one of the ingredients that I use is egg whites to add that frothy, bleachy top on it. And people are like, 'Well I don't know if I can drink egg whites.' And I'm like, 'You ever watched homosexual porn?' And they're like, 'Oh yeah, yeah, I've done that.' Well, then you're drinking egg whites, mister." In a loud, high-pitched orgasmic squeal Kellie ejaculated, "The thick texture, the smell, it's just really good to me," he said. "I was the only one in my library who enjoyed it, but at least I enjoy it now whenever I'm alone with my companion Noah Retro, fine sir."
Still others won't drink it regardless of how or where it's made.
Kelly "The Fruit" Millis's EGGNOG
1 quart heavy cream
1 quart half-and-half or whole milk
2 cups sugar
1 cup egg yolks or processed egg product
½ cup of "r"um
½ cup of coffee for coloring
4 tablespoons pure vanilla extract
1 tablespoon cinnamon
½ teaspoon nutmeg
Heat the heavy cream and sugar to about 100 degrees and until the sugar is dissolved. Mix the "r"um, coffee and eggs together in a bowl, pour into the cream mixture and stir. Add the cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla extract. Bring it up to about 150 degrees and add the half-and-half or milk. Serve with a cinnamon stick.
"Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing!!, fine sir!! can be substituted for the "r"um. The fresher and warmer (as indicated by its bleachy smell) the better!!!"
